Bracing for the crimson tide

My period's coming soon. And I'm going to talk about it. Come on, more than half the population deals with this phenomenon one out of every four days in her life, for a good 30 to 40 years, so suck it up.

I don't get weepy anymore, but I do still get feisty. Luckily, it's legitimate things that set me off, like my husband asking me to copy my gazillion fonts over to his new computer (his is the desktop version, unavoidedly and unashamedly referred to as the "Big Mac", which makes me hungry for stuff I can't eat every time I hear it), or him leaving the remote control on the floor out of my reach while he leaves the room for a while, just in time for those repetitive, insulting second-rate commercials to come on. Or (this one's actually legit) those damned allergies that have come on the coldest fucking day of the year (we're expecting snow, for God's sake). What could I be allergic to, wind?

Luckily, after decades of becoming a crank once in a not-blue moon, I've developed some coping skills (well, I'm not doing so hot with the allergies, but I'm slowly becoming an old hat at the rest).

Coping skill #1: Cuss a lot.
Dropping the f-bomb (or other bombs) after every sneeze or computer mishap doesn't solve the problem or even make it happen less frequently, but it does have therapeutic benefit. It's like getting revenge on nobody in particular, but you feel better just the same. Another error message? Fine, fuck you. See?

Coping skill #2: Keep the mute button handy when watching TV.
It doesn't matter if you normally find the Huggies kids cute or the "Free" Credit Report jingles catchy (I don't know, maybe you have a secret crack habit); when you're in the midst of a hormone surge, they're going to irritate you to no end. To preserve the longevity of your TV, hang onto the remote and one finger on the mute button.

Coping skill #3: Stay out of rush hour traffic.
I probably don't need to elaborate further.

Coping skill #4: Lock yourself in a room.
This way, you won't have to deal with anyone else. That way, when your husband comes in to ask you to open up your Fonts folder permissions for network sharing so he can copy them over, you don't perceive him as a freeloading demanding nag who has nothing better to do but inconvenience you.

Oh, and turn off the phone, too. Best not to check email, either. And screw the News. It'll only piss you off.

Coping skill #5: Stay off Facebook.
This applies particularly if the multiple facets of your personality attract a variety of people who have nothing better to do on a cold night than have a birdfight about global warming, capitalism, and carbon footprints. While it's great entertainment, you're liable to tell everyone across the board to take a hike...off a cliff.

Coping skill #6: Watch lots of Family Guy.
You will find great company and comforting solace in the attitudes and perspectives of Stewie and Brian (the dog). That is, if Lois's voice doesn't make you want to throw your Coke bottle through the TV.

Coping skill #7: This, too, shall pass.
You only have to put up with this for so long before your liver catches up to your hormone levels and they start to drop and you become YOU again. Yes, as shitty as this feels while it's happening, it is, after all, only temporary and underneath it all, you're still human. At least, until next month.