Surviving chiropractic school part 2: Parker

Hi-ho, this is Kermit thee Frog here--back for more, eh? Just can't get enough of my charming...I'd say face but you only know me by the typewritten word. Well, I'm still feeling kinda helpful, or perhaps pitiful, for me chiro student brethren. I feel like you're gonna need all the help you can get. The previous post covered that which is relatively common to all chiropractic schools (and admit it, MD students--a lot of it holds true for you too), but now I'm going to shine the spotlight specifically at my Parker brothers and sisters and speak directly to you.

It's nothing totally earthshattering or profound, but I figured I'd share some more gems that are a bit more particular to our school. Not to edge the rest of you out, however, as this isn't a Parker Proprietary Blend or anything, and some of this may also be applicable to those of you struggling through a different school. Read on...

1. Write down only the main ideas or points that the prof says. This is easier said than done, because sometimes, everything the prof is saying seems important, and it's tough to separate the wheat from the shaff. Taking a few minutes when you get home to re-write your notes seems silly, but it allows you time to chew on what was said in class, look at what you wrote down, and straighten the jumbled information out into a couple of broader sentences that better encompass the main idea.

2. Keep up with the material. If you don't, it will get away from you. Every day you don't study, it becomes exponentially harder to play catch-up later. It's not an insurmountable task, though. Keeping up is easy. Study 15 minutes per class per night. Don't panic--you're not studying for all 8 to 10 classes every night, just the lecture classes (or labs) that met that particular day. And all you're really doing is reviewing the information covered that day. If you're feeling ambitious (or lost/desperate) as the tri progresses, review the past couple of lectures or the main ideas from each subject covered to stay on top of your game.

3. Don't write off Biochemistry, Embryology, or Neuroscience. This should go without saying, but we graduate too many people who still haven't grasped the concept of being a doctor and the responsibility it entails. Why should you care about these subjects in particular? Well, it's like this: Biochemistry is the study all of the major chemical/metabolic reactions going on in your body. Your adjustment drives them and they also in turn influence how effective your adjustment is. Neuroscience is the adjustment itself. Ever wonder why you're moving the bone? Ever wonder why it has the effects that it has? Ever wonder why some people respond well and others get worse during your course of treatment? It's all about neurological pathways. You'd best learn them and be able to explain them (in simple terms...please--I've seen too many new docs or inters bog the lay public down with technical explanations and after about 20 seconds this glazed look takes over and you've lost them and it's painful to watch--so stop). And Embryo? Well, that's the study of how all this came to be. We may develop, but what we learn in embryo never really stops while this adult body just takes over; the processes you learn about persist and continue to mold and shape who we are as adults, as individuals, as human beings.

4. Parker kiddos, you will definitely want to stay on top of certain classes. I have to add some fine print here: 1) I'll probably forget some because it's been a while. 2) There has been a Musical Professors phenomenon in recent trimesters, so a lot of the professors we had for different classes aren't the same ones that are there now; thus, all bets are off. As far as I know, though, Tri 1's Systemic Anatomy is still a force to be reckoned with, and so is Embryology, especially the part where they cover the developing heart and blood vessels. In Tri 2, it's Biochem. In Tri 3 it's ESAT (Extra-Spinal adjusting). In Tri 4 it's Physical Diagnosis and Clinical Orthopedics (do not underestimate Clin Ortho!!). In Tri 5 it's Lab Diagnosis (which is now, unfortunately, an elective--take it!), Thompason/Upper Cervical, and Functional Assessment Protocols. In Tri 6, it's Kearsing's Physio Therapy 1 and Activator. In Tri 7 it's Sacral-Occipital Technique (not that it's hard, just lots of little details). In Tri 8, it's Applied Kinesiology and Rad Exam Technique (a lab-only course). Whatever you do, do not let these classes get away from you! Some of them seem easy (except the two Tri 1 classes) and thus are easily underestimated. It's easy for them to spiral out of control. Don't be that guy pulling out his hair at 1am the night before the lab practical. You can't possibly cram it in a night. It's too much, and you'll only drive yourself insane.

5. Do not, on the other hand, let Michael Hall (Clinical Neurology and two other waste-oid classes that carry different titles but do not deviate from the same opinionated, ego-rich dribble that ends up wasting a total of a year of your time) scare you into thinking his classes are hard. His tests are basically patterned after what is actually his own one-track-mind and the four things he thinks are uber-important. Don't fret. I was freaked out before his first exam and I studied hard, starting like 5 days out. During the test, I freaked more, because the questions were nothing like I'd studied. Oh well. I answered them and moved on, quickly realizing that it did absolutely no good to study for his tests. Come the last test we had, I studied maybe a couple of hours the night before. Guess what: I scored a whole 2 points lower on that test than I did the one I spent 5 days studying for. And studying for his class only got easier (and thus more brief) in subsequent classes we had with him.

6. Speaking of studying...if it helps, form a small study group. Make sure you choose your candidates very carefully. They have to function at about the same maturity level and they have to have a similarly serious commitment toward their education. Keep it very small; the smaller, the more manageable (especially in terms of personalities and covering ground while studying), and with fewer people it is easier it is to coordinate schedule-wise. Meet in quiet places, where spouses will not be blasting Sunday football games from big screen TVs through thin apartment walls.

7. Get a laptop. I recommend this with caution because it can easily be a double-edged sword. While it's awesome for taking notes fast (thus getting more down) and looking up websites the prof mentions for further information, it also provides a welcome, inviting distraction especially during boring classes, that can spell your demise. All I can say is this: use it wisely. There are classes you can--and classes you can't--afford the distraction. I should also add the footnote that some profs are becoming increasingly strict about laptop usage in class; some are going to far as to ban their use altogether. Laptops may eventually become a thing of the past if people in your class can't handle them with maturity. Seriously, don't be obvious about your online Texas Hold 'Em. Keep the Mafia Wars and Facebook discreet and at least look up every once in a while, pretending to pay attention. Keep your class notebook out and write something down from time to time. Above all, don't be disrespectful or blatant.

8. Sit on the neurologically correct side of the room. While everyone has right brain and left brain function, most people have an imbalance between the two, where one side of the brain functions more efficiently than the other. The weak side is no match for the strong side, and the strong side is allowed to run wild. This has consequences that can be bad anyway, but for our purposes, let's just suffice it to say that sitting on a particular side of the room stimulates one side of the brain more. I don't remember all the particulars, but if you're a right-brain-dominant person, you want to sit on the left side of the room (anywhere in the left half is fine) and vice versa. Apparently you'll retain more.

9. Try to take tests with the same environment that you studied in and vice versa. I know people who studied on weekends, at the same time of day and in the same order as their classes were, for reinforcement. Come test day, if you ate breakfast or had a coke before you learned the material in class, don't skip breakfast or forego the coke come test day; re-create the same internal biochemical environment before the test. Apparently it maximizes your odds.

10. Speaking of test-taking, don't change your freakin' answers! Chances are, whichever answer you gravitate toward is the correct one, and you know this neurologically/subconsciously. Mark it and move on. Seriously, if you dwell on all your possible choices any longer than that, you will literally talk yourself out of the right answer...and directly into a wrong one. Only change an answer if you know for a fact that the first answer you picked is wrong and you can prove to yourself why the new answer is right.

11. Get involved. Go to clubs, go to the gym. Make friends. One of the things I wished I would have done is get more involved. I regret that I was going through a Phase my first two years or so of school and that I didn't really open up until my third and final year. I had much more fun, though, once I did. By then, we were all burned out and didn't care, and it was like we were all back in high school again. I went to Nutrition Club during Tri's 1-3, and we started the Carrick Neuro program in Tri 4 or 5, but I never went to any parties, sold any T-shirts, or volunteered to help with anything. I didn't start really hanging out with anyone until Tri 6 or 7. I didn't discover the gym until Tri 8. We finally started shadowing a field doctor in his office at the beginning of Tri 9. Don't make the same mistake. Reach out. Have a ball.

12. Ask questions, pick brains. Especially those of your profs and staff docs. Do remember not to take everything they say as the absolute last word on any one thing, though; what they have to say, no matter how expert their opinion, is just one viewpoint. They're going to tell you what worked for them (or didn't). But your circumstances may be quite different. Your specialty, target patient niche, scope of practice in your state, state laws, tort reform, etc, may all be different than those of the people whose brains you're picking. And regardless, you're not them and they aren't you. So take what they have to say as information, because it ain't their first rodeo, but understand that theirs is not the only way.

13. If you have a question about a procedure or whatever, don't rely heavily on what other classmates have to say, especially those from other trimesters (as they may have had different profs for the same classes, or they have the same profs but those profs decided to change things up a bit for your class), or those from different clinic pods or even different staff docs. What one staff doc expects and the rules/procedures that s/he sets may be waaaay different from yours and thus what another student has to say may not even remotely apply to you. Don't waste time or risk sacrificing credit; get your answers straight up from your current prof (in class) or staff doc (in clinic).

14. Beware these people: anyone who speaks at a Lunch & Learn or a PSPS. We've learned over the years that these people do nothing but reinforce the outdated, misleading, inaccurate, and downright often-gimmicky rhetoric that our school likes to spew. I find a lot of the presentations to be unscientific, patronizing, high-pressure sales tactics that don't do anything to progress the profession. The only people I saw that were worth anything are: Dr John Donofrio who guest-spoke in Chiro Philosophy 1 (of all classes) in Tri 1 and then again at PSPS last year; Dr Fuhr, who developed the Activator instrument and its technique, at a Lunch & Learn; and Bill Esteb of Patient Media, who talked some actual sense at an assembly (an utterly mindbogling rarity) 2 years ago. I also did see Dr Michael Perryman give an Orthomolecular Biology (read: herbs & nutrition) seminar and another doctor give a neuro-embryo-devlopmental seminar, both at PSPS last year as well. Other than that, though, literally every other Lunch & Learn, Wednesday assembly, and PSPS have been a waste since about Tri 2, and I am glad Tri 9's are exempt from participating in any of it (although they're not quick to tell you this).

15. You will only get out what you put in. This goes for studying, getting involved in extra-curricular activities, everything. Lunchtime clubs are free, so go. Read your textbooks, or books that the prof recommends. Practice on your classmates. I regret that I was preoccupied with my massage therapy business (gotta make time for every client and make money, after all) and I didn't focus enough on school. I studied enough to get by, and I coasted through some classes. I was OK with getting B's and C's and some A's. But I know now that I could've done much better. Now, I'm having to play catch-up, in a lot of areas. I'm having to pour over books to finally understand that which I should've learned in class. I'm having to seek extra help in palpating and adjusting because I didn't practice enough before. I'm having to branch out and pretty much make friends with my classmates for the first time. I'm having to workout more because I didn't put any time into self-maintenance and my body went to hell. You reap what you sow; so sow some good seeds already. :)

How to survive chiropractic school

Like it or not, chiropractic school is nearly identical to medical school, the principal differences being in the treatment methods used. Nobody cares if you "just want to adjust", you still have to learn to be a doctor, and with that title comes a high expectation that you have an insane amount of knowledge. And the curriculum is packed to give you just that. (Nevermind that you have to sort it all out for yourself, because it goes in really jumbled and meaningless.) I've compiled some key points that I've learned over the trimesters. I'm eternally grateful for those generous souls who met my standard question, "any advice for someone who's green?" with honest answers--pearls that at times literally turned out to be my saving graces. And thus, in the same spirit, I pass them on to anyone willing to read them...

1. You're going to feel like you're at a Gallagher show, except that instead of flying pieces of fruit and its juice, you're being bombarded with informational tidbits. During all this, keep in mind that no matter how wide open your mind is to guzzle every trivial snippet thrown at you, you're simply not going to retain, digest, or understand everything. You just won't. You can't possibly write down everything and memorize it. Well, I guess you could if you were primarily an auditory learner (meaning that you learn best by hearing the information--more on learning styles later), or if you had a photographic memory, but for most people, it's just not a realistic expectation. Understand that you're going to miss a lot of information, even if you manage to stay awake every minute of every day, with your pen poised to the paper and ready to go. That's just the nature. I'm glad someone told me this, because I was one of the four-point-oh nerds who did write down and memorize everything.

2. On the other hand, keep in mind that you do need to study, and not just to pass your classes. You're not in undergrad anymore, and these are not just the standard general education classes that everyone has to take. These are classes that relate directly to the rest of your life. Yes, even the seemingly-meaningless basic science classes. You may not enjoy Biochemistry and you may wonder what the hell polar amino acids have to do with knocking down a "subluxation" but the fact is that every class you take, including biochemistry, relates to the function of the human body--function that you are altering with your adjustments, whether you realize it or not. So do yourself and your future patients a huge favor: give a shit and get your nose in a book or ten.

3. Studying made easy(er): get to know yourself and your learning style. Different people learn more efficiently in different ways. Auditory learners learn best by hearing the information, or maybe listening to themselves repeat it back or read it out loud. Read-write learners learn by, well, reading the information from a book or writing it down. Visual learners like pictures and diagrams because the information seems to "click", often easily, when they see the big picture put together. If visual learners must take notes in class, they often benefit from decorating them with diagrams, flow charts, pictures, or at least color coding. Kinesthetic people learn by doing, by feeling, and by going through the motions. They're the "hands-on" people for whom information sticks when they can gain experience in the trenches.

My advice is to identify your learning style, and fast. The sooner you do, the more efficient--and less nerve-wracking--your studying will become. You'll learn faster, retain more, understand more, remember more, and bonus points: you'll spend less time doing it. Sometimes it's hard to figure out exactly how you learn best, because most people don't fit in to just one type, but instead are a combination of several types. For others, like me, it gets even trickier, because although I'm primarily a visual and kinesthetic learner, I can also learn by other styles, although very inconsistently. Sometimes I'll hear something in class and remember it very well and other times I won't; same goes for reading and/or writing.

I will say this: the way the information dispensing is set up, it's much friendlier to read-write and auditory types, especially on the academic side (the lecture classes). The lab components are a bit more hands-on, but there's till a ton of reading, writing, and hearing, and lots of trivial info to be responsible for, come test time. Only when you get into your game in the clinics at the tail end of the program do the kinesthetic learners start to feel comfortable.

4. To enhance your studying, you may be able to score yourself some copies of old tests. This is primarily true for the basic science classes in Tri's 1-3, and some of Tri 4. Once you get into the applied or clinical sciences or technique classes, old tests are more scarce. Some profs used to let students keep their exams to study from them but no longer do. Old tests are primarily good for identifying weak spots in your knowledge. Do use them as a guide; the questions serve as examples of the depth of knowledge expected of you and the kinds of questions you're likely to see on the test. Do NOT rely on them as your chief secret weapon, however. Why? Lots of reasons. The answers could be wrong - we identified numerous mis-keys that would've actually lost us points had we given the answer from the old test. Profs are well aware of the fact that old exams are circulating wholesale and they also know what the questions are. If they don't like your class, they may mess with you by taking an old question verbatim and changing a single word that changes the correct answer to the question. When all you've done is cram some old tests at the last minute and you take your exam, you come across a question that reads (almost) exactly like one you recognize from your cram-session and without finishing reading the question you go to select your (wrong) answer, which of course is still there among the multiple choices. You don't realize the question is actually not the same one you remember. Another reason not to rely on old tests alone is, the prof could change up the test questions all together and select a whole new batch of questions. Or perhaps, updated information from a new research study changes the answer to an old question. No matter what, it's not fair to yourself or most importantly, your patients if you simply cram and dump information.

5. Make time for yourself. This means, don't study too much. If you do, you'll lose your sanity. Make time to relax, to meditate.

6. Keep in touch with your family and friends. Let them all know what you're going through. Make sure they understand exactly what it is you're doing and how rigorous it is. Some people honestly think that our program is a 6-month trade school where we just learn to find high spots and knock them down. They don't realize that we also learn anatomy, physiology, neurology, biochemistry, endocrinology, pharmacology, diagnosis, case management, physiotherapy (a bastardization of basic physical therapy and its concepts), biomechanics, nutrition, geriatrics, pediatrics, obstetrics and gynecology, orthopedics, radiology, embryology, cytology, and histology, just to name some.

Just as important, let them tell you what they're going through. Because while we're submerged in school, dog-paddling around in this chiro-bubble, real life is happening in the real world. Real people you know and love are aging another three years without you even realizing it. They're going through changes, too. Your spouse is getting his/her first gray hairs or changing their jobs or growing distant from you, or closer to you as they start looking up to you even more. Your wife is carrying, delivering, and nursing your child. Or your child is getting out of diapers or starting school or entering puberty or graduating high school or entering college or dating a significant other or getting married. Life happens. Don't lose touch with it. Don't let three years go by without going out to dinner with your friends. Don't let a year go by without taking a night and shooting the breeze with your spouse or becoming intimate. They need to know you're still you and that you're still there for them.

7. Take care of yourself. This means first and foremost, abandoning unhealthy habits. You're a doctor now, like it or not, and you serve as an example for your patients. They only end up behaving as well as you do, and you can't expect them to do anymore. Don't just talk the talk; walk the walk, too. Kick the Friday night case of beer. You don't need it. You won't have time to work it all off and it'll just accumulate. Not only that, but you can't afford it. You're not on a doctor's salary yet, so don't start expecting to live the doctor life. Do the same with cigarettes, weed, anything else you're into. Ditch the junk food, too. It's expensive and full of empty calories that pack on pounds but offer very little else. The feel-good rush you get from eating it? That's all addictive neurotoxins designed specifically to manipulate pleasure centers of your nervous system such that you derive pleasure from eating that "food" and can't say no to the prospect of eating more. Instead, replace these things with fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and organic meats. Have a coke or some junk food every once in a while--you gotta have some fun occasionally--but don't make a habit out of it. These foods give you quick highs and rushes, but you'll crash quickly. It's not worth it.

8. Manage your money. When you get your student loan dispersal check, you may feel like you've won the lottery, but the truth is, that has to last you the next 4 months. Once you start figuring food, gas, rent/mortgage, utilities, payments, miscellaneous spending, etc, you start to realize it's not so much after all. One of the coolest pieces of advice we ever got is this: when you get that check, the first thing you do is to write out your next 4 rent checks, car payments, credit card payments, etc, and mail them in, with notes in the memo fields like "January mortgage" or "March Visa payment". That way, the recipient companies know what you're doing and can apply the money properly. You also have the piece of mind of knowing that when money runs thin at the end of the trimester, you don't have to worry about making your rent. This way, you'll never get foreclosed on or evicted, your car will never get reposessed, and your credit rating won't plunge nor will your interest rates get jacked up due to a late or missed payment.

All other spending? Curb it as best you can. School comes first, so make sure you've bough all the supplies and clinic clothes you'll need. Put off splurging for a black tie dinner until after you've graduated and have the salary to back up your desired lifestyle. You're still a college student, and it's best to live as thin as you can.

A final word on purchases: please please please do not make large purchases right off the bat in school. Yes, that Microlight laser or $18,000 Biofeedback machine looks pretty dang cool and the sales rep (often a student putting themselves through school via the commissions they make on products they sell borderline MLM-style) promises the moon and stars to you in future additional revenue streams of income once you open your practice, and some will swear you can use their toy now, before you're even out of school. Coaching consultants will instill fear in you as a lowly student that the world is so tough and hostile out there toward chiropractors that you'll go bankrupt without a practice coach. Bullshit. These practice management companies are all about scare tactics, guilt trips, and do-or-die mantras. It's how they want to rope you in as students, and it's how they'll instruct you to rope in your patients. Top secret: it may work for some, but only a very small percentage. Most doctors are too smart to fall for that, and so are most patients. The spouted dogma rings too hollow for most people. Save your money. If you really see something you like, wait a year and see if you still want it. Often, you'll change your mind and end up glad you didn't spend the money.

9. Establish a routine/schedule. First, get a calendar. Some are just day calendars, others have slots for times of the day for writing in specific appointments. Programs like Microsoft Outlook (somebody please tell me there are others) give you multiple views--monthly, weekly, and daily broken down into half-hour increments. Enter everything in on the same calendar to make sure you don't commit yourself to two things at once. Go through your school calendars first. There are more of them than you think. First, there's the master schedule of school events, and some of these like assemblies or certain seminars could be required (as was the case for us). In the second half of your career, there are National Board exams (everyone has these). And everyone has finals, midterms, and tests in between. Don't forget about your lab practical exams; these might not be included on the master schedule, as they often take place during individual lab times. After that, put in your work schedule, if you have a job. Don't forget work study, if you participate. As you enter clinic, put your patient's appointments in, too. This way, you don't go scheduling a whole lot of patients the night before a big exam. You also know which tests you have coming up. And, you don't double-book yourself (schedule two patients at once), or miss an important deadline. Then, make sure to schedule yourself workout times, relaxing times, specific dates and times for getting together with friends or having a family night at home. Yes, write it into your schedule - or you'll never do it.

Also, establish a daily routine. Get your preparation for tomorrow done first thing, as soon as you walk in the door. I pick out tomorrow's clothes and either fix my homemade lunch or gather lunch money for eating out, and I put it right next to my phone, keys, glasses, and wallet, which all sit together on a main counter next to my clinic bag and laptop case. Finish with that before turning on the TV and settling in for the night or it'll hang over your head and you may forget to do it all together. Come tomorrow, you might be scrambling. If I miss my alarm, I'm much happier if everything's right there ready to go as I'm running out the door.

10. Organize your surroundings. Keep everything school-related in one spot, hopefully in a convenient, high-traffic area. This way, you won't forget anything should you have to rush out the door on autopilot after oversleeping. Buy enough folders and notebooks that you don't end up stuffing everything into one notebook or folder; this way, nothing gets jumbled. I learned this the hard way; everything got cluster-messed and I misplaced several important assignments, creating a lot of extra work for myself by having to re-write them, only to find them later, in my folder behind a bunch of notes from another class. Yes, I looked through the folder before--several times--I just didn't see them until much later when I was cleaning everything out once those classes were done.

Also, make a space that is yours for studying and studying alone. Remove all sources of entertainment or distraction from that space. Make sure it's far away from a messy area or a cat's sleeping place, because you'll be surprised at how little it will take to distract you from studying. A cat sleeping in a cute position can easily occupy you for 20 minutes as you subconsciously try to find excuses not to study.

11. Buy books that your profs recommend, as long as they don't have a self-serving vested interest in recommending them. We found that a prof we especially liked recommended a lot of neat books that explored different subjects more deeply. Many of these were out-of-print and rare gem-like finds, yet available at Half Price Books or Amazon for a dollar or less. We picked up a lot of great information. The prof was one we respected deeply, who had already read all of these books. It's nice to have an impartial book reviewer you respect, and to be privvy to his info before going out and buying books, especially on a limited budget.

12. Go to seminars. Since money is limited, do pick and choose carefully. Ask around; there are plenty of reliable sources - professors, students in upper tri's, classmates in your own tri, chiropractic doctors practicing in the field, and extracurricular clubs that meet during lunch. Seminars are geared field doctors rather than students, and thus will teach you how to clinically apply the information in the real world. You may feel a bit lost, because they may throw around terms or concepts you haven't encoutered yet, but do your best. Don't worry too much, though, unless you're Tri 1 or 2; they often avoid getting too technical, because a lot of field doctors don't remember some of the basic science nitty-gritty themselves. The exception to this is neurology programs. Those are tougher, because neurology is such a brainy subject anyway, and requires a lot of advanced knowledge. Adjusting or nutrition seminars, on the other hand, you can feel pretty much comfortable right away.

Seminars rock, and it's important to go to them especially while you're in school because in school, it's easy to forget the big picture and what motivated you to do this, and they keep you in touch with why you're doing what you're doing. They teach you why it is you should care about what you're learning, because while school is teaching you facts and concepts, the seminars teach you what those concepts will look like when they walk into your office. Also, school doesn't do a great job of teaching you how to treat--or "help with"--much of anything, whereas seminars highlight all the possibilities and often give you a framework from which to manifest them.

13. Practice, practice, practice. Palpate. Adjust, as soon as it's safe to do so (once you've had a class or a couple of weekend intensives and have some formal training to go on). Get with other field docs and observe them in their offices (be professional and transparent; dress well, stay in the background, ask lots of questions later). Ask them if you can adjust them and have them critique you. Make friends with upper tri students, but don't take everything they say as gospel; they may have some good ideas, but remember that they know just enough to be dangerous and not enough to realize it. Make friends with staff docs; they've often been in the field. (Some, however, don't have enough field experience. Many came to our school after only 6 years in practice. Look for someone who's been out for at least 10. Also, seek out those who did NOT go to Parker. Overall an OK school, but their focus is on business/practice management and passing National Boards, and not adjusting or diagnostics [you know, doctor stuff]. Some of their student body reflects that. If they did graduate from Parker, make sure they've at least sought some kind of significant post-doctoral training outside of Parker, whether it's neurology or applied kinesiology or clinical nutrition certification.) But anyway, get together with a group of friends you trust, make a pact that you'll never rat each other out, and go to town. Feel. Push. Thrust.

14. Don't believe all the stories you hear at school. As you progress through the program, you'll hear people telling stories about how they got this or that segment to "go", or about some practice opportunity they have or a mentor guru that took them under his/her wing, and you might start to feel like something's wrong, like you missed the boat. Don't worry. Everyone finds their own niche, their own specialty, their own group to hang out with, their own mentors to learn from. I reunited with one of mine at the end of Tri 7 (out of 9) and we met another who took us under his wing at the transition from Tri 8 into Tri 9. Opportunities will come knocking. That's not to say that you'll fall into fortune without having to lift a finger--you will have to lay groundwork for making these opportunities happen--but just when you feel like the world is passing you by, you will have your moment.

Hole Foods

That is, unless you're guilty of something and have a confession to make. There are some holes in the Whole Foods Market facade, after all.

First of all, I'm not going to debate whether or not organic is better or worth a higher price. (It is, for the very simple fact that farming mega-corporations have taken over control of most of the food supply in this country, and what is allowed to go on behind closed doors and off the label is nearly criminal. Anything NOT organic means that it has either been genetically engineered, doused with chemicals, or usually both, and this is never good for the human body; thus, organic IS always better and although it's a shame to have to pay more just to get what should be normal food, that's just a fact of life.)

I'm also not going to take issue with his mid-August healthcare commentary. What he had to say was sound. It is not the government's responsibility to take care of every lazy, chain-smoking, beer-chugging, pill-popping, calorie-packing, carb-loading, vegetable-phobic couch potato American. People would do much better to cut out bad habits, break unhealthy addictions, get up off the couch and out of the house, turn off the TV, put down the iPhone, eat fruits and vegetables, and eat proper portion sizes. Really, is it that tough? But this rant will get a post of its own.

No, what I do take issue with are several mistakes Whole Foods has made.

I take the biggest issue with its ingredients and their labeling. Natural and organic products are available. However, you have to look harder than you think to find some of them. When you read the labels, everything sounds nice and benign, and you might think you're out of the woods because you can, indeed, pronounce everything. But Whole Foods is notorious for utopian-sounding ingredients that are actually synonyms for much more ominous compounds that have been included anyway. For example, many of their soups and potato chips contain autolyzed/hydrolyzed yeast or yeast extract. Those of us who try to avoid MSG might be pretty pissed off if they didn't know that these yeast derivatives have an equal effect on the body. They're neurotoxic, very allergenic, inflammatory, and worst of all, highly addictive.

Sometimes the ingredients ARE right on the label, but they'll try to soften it by claiming that the harmful substance everyone's keeping an eye out for is from "plant sources". It's particularly hard to shop for shampoo, conditioner, or toothpaste because of this. It's great that the irritant known as Sodium-Laurel or Laureth Sulfate in this toothpaste comes from coconut pulp, but that doesn't change the fact that it leaves my skin cracked and itchy.

And other times, the ingredients are stated on the label with no such fluff. You might think Whole Foods is the last place this would happen, but it does. I had to look long and hard for deodrant without any paraben or sulfate compounds in it. I finally found some mineral salt sprays...just before my mom proudly announced that she found the same ones in a Canadian Wal-Mart, and they were cheaper, even before considering the exchange rate.

Sometimes the ingredients aren't even disclosed at all. We've all come to expect this from our neighborhood grocery stores who pull crazy shenanigans all the time, such as spraying meat with viruses to kill bacteria so it'll hold for another day, or exposing color-void meat to carbon monoxide to artificially restore its healthy red color. These have all hit the papers, which is what drove a lot of us to places like Whole Foods in the first place. Thus, it would never happen at Whole Foods, or so we think. But when organic apples are out of season and are temporarily replaced by conventionally grown ones, look (and feel) closely. That grimey oily feeling on your hands after handling a couple? Is the same carcinogenic carnuba wax you find on apples at your local grocery store. The kicker? For that identical product, Whole Foods charges you more.

Which brings me to my next point of contention. Price. Prices stubbornly insist upon remaining just out of our comfort zone. It has gotten to the point where every time we go shopping, something on our list has gone up. Sometimes it's a small hike, but sometimes it's rather substantial. I watched our average prices go up 20% during a single year.

I try not to bitch (too loudly, anyway) without offering some kind of solution. And in fairness, there are ways to shop there without breaking the bank. The biggest bang for your buck is the bulk section--and I don't mean the candy. Stay away from the mountains of party mixes, dried fruits, and natural M&M counterparts. Those get very expensive. However, there is a smorgasbord of varieties of beans, rices, granola mixes, nuts, seeds, and flours that are very affordable. Instead of individual pre-measured packages of herbs, spices or teas, get those in bulk as well. Sure, there's more work involved with soaking the beans and washing the rice, and sure, there's no such things as "instant" (everything has to be slow-cooked), but it's healthier for you, and much cheaper.

Another way to ease the pain is to take advantage of the rare items on sale. This comes with a caveat: if something is on sale at Whole Foods, it's usually for a reason. Often, it's on the verge of going south and occasionally, it has already. However, it is possible to find the occasional honest-to-God sale on something, even when there's nothing wrong with it. Call it a soft economy; call it a case of it-was-overpriced-to-begin-with-and-it's-not-moving. Regardless, it's possible to find a good deal sometimes.

A more recent revelation we've had is to learn your prices (you should anyway) and comparison shop at other stores. If organic strawberries are not in season and conventionally-grown is your only option, chances are that Whole Foods is the most expensive source. So, verify that the strawberries at your local supermarket are indeed cheaper, and get them there instead.

Another thing to do is, when Whole Foods has a sale on cereal, for example, they often give an amount, like $10 and specify that it's for, say, 3 boxes. The cereal is normally $3.49 a box. You're saving 16 cents a box. They act like it's a big deal, with big yellow signs and all, but is it? Sixteen cents is sixteen cents, though, so fair enough. But don't get roped into buying all 3 boxes if you were only going to buy one, thinking that you need to buy all 3 to get the sale price. They of course want you to buy more, but you don't have to; if you buy just 1 or 2, they still give you the per-box sale price.

Another caution: don't automatically assume that buying a bigger quantity of something gets you a better deal. Bring a calculator if you have to. As nerdy as you may think it looks, you could save yourself a lot of money, and at a place that can charge you $40 for a container of Acai berry juice and still sleep at night, it may be worth it to keep one handy for some quick number-crunching. They'll gladly sell you a 1-year supply of something, but be sure that there are some actual savings involved, especially if it's something you're just trying out.

Whole Foods, like any other store, is designed to extract the most money from your wallet, and they've carefully engineered every aspect of the entire store to do just that. Gotta keep the glum shareholders pacified somehow, after all. You can fight back, though, and remain sensible when shopping. They won't take your Whole Paycheck unless you let them. I don't mind paying a little more for a much better product that won't slowly embalm and kill me over the next 20 years. Just know what you're buying and make sure it really is worth the extra cost and that the ultra-hip 100% post-consumer-recycled paper package with quotes of yoga sutras in an uber-mystic modern font isn't just a mask for regular supermarket-grade crap at an organic price.

Damn the man

Today is my five-year anniversary of working for myself. After getting fired (see the previous post), I took a 1-year-and-3-day sabbatical from the wage-earning world to go to massage therapy school and generally re-organize my life. Well, unless you count a seasonal-turned-half-assed part-time position at Williams Sonoma. (Which I don't. A 5-hour shift every three weeks is just enough to frustrate you; you feel like you're perpetually green because every time you come back the powers-that-be have rearranged the store and you have to spend the entire shift re-learning where everything is. Hardly productive.)

But, I digress. I received my massage therapy license in the mail sometime in mid-August, but it's not like there's a ready-made mob of clients standing in line, pounding down your door to get appointments with you. You kinda have to go out into the world and announce that you exist. This can get fairly labor-intensive and/or expensive. Fortunately for me, it was neither, but that came with its own cost: a couple weeks of lag time before I scheduled my first client.

So anyway, I considered my doors officially, legitimately open for business on the day of that first appointment, and I discovered something very quickly: working for yourself rocks. Having grown up in the world of the quirky self-employed, I was sort of genetically hardwired for it anyway, but now it was official, and I had to admit to myself that it really was the best option for me.

Not that it's the best option for everyone. Not everyone has the patience or the motivation to talk business into the wee hours of the night, brainstorming new thoughts and rehashing old ones like self-relighting trick birthday candles. Not everyone can live with the feast-or-famine nature of rollercoaster income. Not everyone has business instinct or good luck with the professionals you just can't skimp on, like business attorneys or tax accountants. A lot of people simply don't have the self-discipline to make it work; the idea of being able to set your own hours comes with a lot of caveats.

For me, though, it fit hand-and-glove. I was well aware of the initial time, energy, and yes a little money, that I was going to have to invest in my practice to get it off the ground. I knew that at first, I would have surplus time on my hands and little cash flow, and this would necessitate my having to work outside normal hours. After all, if I wanted to be done by 5pm but my only client couldn't make it before 7pm, guess who's working late? I had to be available when they were. Only later, when you have a clientele built up and can afford to do so can you cut back on your hours a bit and streamline your schedule. That's an eventual luxury, and it's a common one, but it's not an automatic gimme right out the gate.

I understood all this already, which helped. I had also worked feverishly, coming up with an assumed business name, dutifully filing it with the county, inventing a logo, doing Google image searches to make sure someone else hadn't independently dreamed up the same one, devising basic policies, writing up a website, designing and printing my own forms, and networking with people. In the meantime, I scored myself a very independent-nature contract job at another massage facility that was established enough to feel comfortable without requiring a non-compete clause, which let me make at least some money and keep my skill set warm while also allowing me to build my own business on the side. The pay wasn't much but it was fair and I had complete autonomous freedom in setting my own schedule, clientele, self-promotion, and massage style.

For a while, it was 7 days a week. This is a reality in the beginning. It was about a year before I could finally start taking a day off a week. One turned into two, and I was happy with that. Managing myself was harder than people think; sometimes I was too eager to please and found it hard to stick to my premeditated policies. Luckily for me, I didn't have to manage anyone else. I will eventually, though, and I have to keep in mind that to be friendly is good, but that it is less important to become the employees' friend than it is to retain respect and mild authority.

I had clients who tried to push my boundaries, get their way, and essentially run my practice. I had some who tried to bend multiple policies in one visit. They knew what they were doing, too. It was suavely forceful and had been specifically thought through. At first, it's easy to get steamrolled, but with a little strategy and a tactfully-planned-but-pointed come-to-Jesus meeting, they'll either become trained or they'll tend to fade away.

Not only is it easy to get steamrolled by domineering clients, it's also easy to take things personally when they cancel an appointment without rescheduling and/or drop off the face of the earth for a while. People will come and go. Yes, I miss them. Well, most of them. But I also know that I can't help everybody. Not everyone CAN be helped. Some find a practitioner who does a different technique, has a different personality, or is closer to their house. Others drive comparatively insane distances to see me, and they pay more than they would somewhere else. That's great. I'm glad I can help them and I'm glad they enjoy seeing me as much as I enjoy seeing them. I've had to learn to check my ego at the door, however, and realize that I can never assume exactly why someone chooses to see me over someone else. Maybe it's not my skills or my smile; it might be something I have no control over, such as that I remind them of a friend.

I've worked for myself longer than I ever worked for anyone else. You just can't beat the freedom. If I don't want to take my first appointment before 10am, I don't have to. If I want to take a half-day on Friday without cowtowing to a boss to ask for it, I can do that. If I want to work a weekend, I can, and if I don't, I'm not required to. I can give myself a raise by increasing my fees. I can even nudge people to do what I want, such as offering cash discounts if I'm trying to ease people away from credit cards, or I can give early-bird specials if I want my evenings back. To increase the prospect of steadier business, I can encourage ppl to reschedule immediately by offering a slight discount for doing so. With that, comes a lot of responsibility. You don't want to price yourself out of the market, especially during a sagging economy, and you don't want to scale back your hours just when all your clients are trying to work longer hours, take advantage of a rare overtime opportunity, or pick up a second job. Working for yourself, you won't get written up for breaking those unwritten rules. But your business will suffer.

One of my pet peeves is listening to someone gripe and moan about how crappy their job is, and then never do anything about it. If you're in a crappy situation, look deeper: it's (usually) not the employer's fault. I didn't say there aren't bad employers; there are. I worked for my share of people who made decisions for me, that impacted me, who weren't half as smart as I was. When I was sick enough of it (at the ripe old age of 26), I "retired" from working for idiots, and I started my own business. Working for myself, I've cut everyone else out of the equation, and I have no one else to blame should anything go south. Rather than being the weight that it sounds, it's actually very uplifting and freeing. I was born into self-employment, and that's probably how I'll die. I won't retire. But then again, "retirement" means that you're done working. And if you're doing what you love to do, you're not really "working". So, this means I'm the youngest retiree I know. I just don't get any Social Security benefits. But then, who says that's a bad thing?

Septeenth

Come on, y'all, get your hands in the air. I'm calling on all my brothers and sisters to celebrate with me, to celebrate the greatest gift of all: freedom! It's been six years and still to this day I celebrate it like was a second birthday. You see, I wasn't exactly a slave, but sometimes I sure felt like one. Yes, I know that when I signed my job application I understood that in terms of our state's laws, I was an "at-will employee", meaning that my presence at these wretched places was, embarrassingly, completely voluntary, and that either myself or my employer could call it quits on the fragile arrangement at any time. The thing is, that clause is real, and it reared its ugly head when I least expected it. That's right, y'all: six years ago today I was fired.

Your Honor, I was a cocktail waitress. You know, one of those cute skinny young things with too much energy and who smiles too often and too late into the night to be genuine, who tries to keep your husband out with his buddies way too late. No, jealous housewives of the jury, I was not a homewrecker; I was trying to support my family, and selling your husband and his posse one more round of drinks means I might be able to come up with my college tuition on time or get the brand-name ice cream this week instead of the generic. Or maybe I can finally get my truck brakes fixed so I can at least make it in to work this week.

Sure, it was fun for a while. When you live in a college town where your highest employment prospects are retail jobs at the mall with store discount fringe benefits, waitressing for actual tips is pretty dang cool. Bonus points if the job is at a bar and you are 19.

Problem is, it only lasted about 6 and a half years. The burnout came long before then, but it was so gradual that I can't pinpoint when it started. I think it all eventually got to me. First it was the smell of smoke and stale beer. Or the cracked dry skin from handling ashtrays and citrus garnishes, despite my best efforts to avoid direct contact. Maybe it was the cheesy pickup lines from guys above my age range, below my salary range, below basic cleanliness standards, or above a certain Blood-Alcohol concentration. Perhaps it was "Freebird" or "Wonderful Tonight" for the 3498th time on the jukebox. Or the brain-dead supervisors I had over the years, who, no matter how available I made myself to work, would schedule me on the only days of the week I ever requested off. Don't forget about the sexual advances, either by customers or old disgusting married barowners who got downright pissed off if you politely refused.

Eventually I realized that the perpetual smile I walked around with was making my face ache. Somewhere along the line it stopped being worth it, and I found myself resenting the people and I realized that my body ached so bad when I crawled into bed that it would keep me awake for a half hour. I realized that having to sleep till noon just to get enough sleep to make it through work that night wasn't healthy, and despite sleeping late I found myself getting increasingly tired earlier and earlier. I had to admit to myself I wasn't a night owl anymore. I was also taking steps to overhaul my lifestyle and embrace a much healthier one. I realized I felt better almost immediately. And I realized that the healthier I got, the less I fit in. A curious internal discord had begun and had quickly intensified.

As with all internal discord, something eventually has to give. When it does, the built-up pressure releases and everything resolves. One day, my situation ceased to be an exception. I walked into work like any other Saturday, and checked the schedule in the back room of the bar I was currently employed at. I found that my name had been written on the schedule, in pencil, as always, but then had been erased, along with all the shifts I had been assigned. I questioned my manager, who was finishing up a daytime bartending shift and she pulled me aside to tell me they were firing me.

There is no form of embarrassment that rivals that which ensues when you've just been told you're being fired. I wasn't being simply laid off. I was actually being FIRED. As in, THEY didn't want ME anymore. This was a completely new concept to me, as I had always been a mature, reliable, and trustworthy employee with a good work ethic, and who did not attract or perpetuate drama. I had also always been the one to decide to exercise the "at-will" clause and end the working relationship. I had never had that decision made for me before. I admit, it felt really awkward. I had always been a good girl who refused to get caught up in the usual shit-stirring. And here I was getting fired. By a goll-dang SPORTS BAR, no less.

I spent the next 20 minutes in a small fury of negative emotion. I was told I could finish out that night's shift, which only meant that they would've barred me from doing so had they not wanted to skirt having to find a replacement on such short notice. They couldn't exactly afford to do so, either, with so many new employees and so few experienced ones, gearing up for playoffs to boot. The waitress sections were currently empty and one more employee had arrived, so I went to the back to digest the news and skull my options over. I could stay, make some money, my last income for a while, and be miserable the whole time. I'm the world's worst liar, so how I conned so many people into believing I was happy with my energizer-bunny smile I'll never know, but as seasoned as my grin muscles were, I didn't even think I could smile through this.

So I did the only thing I could think to do: call my husband. He was at work, and his job had a hit-or-miss nature. Whether or not it would be a convenient time for him to talk, flip a coin. I had over 6 hours and nothing to lose. Despite the downplayed fear of losing just under half our income without warning of any kind, he cheered me up! He was nothing but comforting and encouraging. He told me not to worry about the money; it would take care of itself. He made me look at the bright side: now I could put all my energy into getting into, and getting ready for, massage therapy school. I made the decision that day.

Newly empowered, I decided I had better things to do. I told my manager, who tried to conceal her disappointment and the following panic that only the manager of an understaffed rocking-busy joint knows, that I was going home after all. It was odd making that long-but-easy-haul home with the sun to my back; typically it's pitch black out and I'm trying to avoid deer and drunks in the wee hours of the night. Not that night. As the sun set behind me, I felt a sort of nervous elation. I was free at last. It did not come without strings, fine print, hardship, or consequences. We would pay dearly a couple years later. However, we did manage to pull out of the situation stronger and smarter.

Here's the deal about getting fired: I've known several people who have gotten fired (not laid off, in this case, but honest-to-God fired) and the truth is, it's not so bad. In fact, it usually ends up being the best possible outcome of a mediocre-to-bad situation. Sure, it sucks at the time, but it doesn't stay that way. Eventually something new comes along that was even better than the abruptly halted routine. People go on to better jobs, with elevated status and salaries to match in a matter of weeks. Or they use their newfound idle time and culminated frustration to branch out on their own and start a business. Maybe they cut back on their expenses so that they can live on their spouse's income while they use this unexpected opportunity to go back to school, maybe even obtain licensure or certification. Who knows? The sky's the limit.

Six years later and I'm rounding my final lap in chiropractic med school, inches away from holding a doctor title. I also have a massage therapy license and a further certification in an advanced technique. I've had my own business, a private practice, for over 5 years. I've made more than I would have had I stuck with the bar. And what are they doing, all my scummy alcoholic co-workers with gambling problems and those dirty old barowners who cheat on their trophy wives? They're still there, at the same places, doing the same things. And what are they in the grand scheme of the cosmos? They're a bar. One of thousands in Dallas, Texas alone. Dallas is a big metro, and Texas is a big state. They're hardly going to etch themselves a place on a map or anything. Putting it all in perspective like that was a therapeutic thing to do. I had to remind myself that they weren't the end-all-be-all. Bars never are, and neither are retail stores or fast-food joints, for that matter. So the most important thing I realized is, it's not the end of the world. As fun as it once was to "sling beer", getting people drunk for a living, it's not like it's a lifelong mission. Getting fired was more of an ego bodyslam than anything else. But it was time to move on. And I still had the rest of my life. It was time to seize it and live it true to MYself. I do indeed feel emancipated.

25 more CDs one should never be without

Behold... (no particular order)

1. The Cure - Wish (1992)
2. Hole - Live Through This (1994)
3. Berlin - Pleasure Victim (1982)
4. Throwing Muses - The Real Ramona (1991)
5. Kaya Project - Walking Through (2004)
6. Charlatans UK - Some Friendly (1990)
7. Garbage - Version 2.0 (1998)
8. Pink Floyd - Division Bell (1994)
9. David Arkenstone - In the Wake of the Wind (1991)
10. Michael Jackson - Thriller (1982)
11. Makyo - Shringara (1999)
12. Stone Temple Pilots - Core (1992)
13. Shamen - En-Tact (1990)
14. William Orbit - Hello Waveforms (2006)
15. K's Choice - Cocoon Crash (1998)
16. Gin Blossoms - New Miserable Experience (1992)
17. Tears For Fears - Songs From the Big Chair (1985)
18. KLF - White Room (1991)
19. 1 Giant Leap - (self-titled) (2002)
20. Enigma - MCMXC (1990)
21. Genesis - I Can't Dance (1992)
22. Heart - Bad Animals (1987)
23. REM - Murmur (1983)
24. Ben Folds Five - Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (1999)
25. Roxette - Joyride (1991)

Jagged little pill

Come, my pretties. I must tell you a secret. Several secrets, come to think of it. Yeah, I know what you were told. I know how they wined and dined you; I know how they put on a good face. I know how they puffed up their feathers and said, "look how G--damn hot we look." I know all that because I was force-fed that pill, too, and I dutifully swallowed it just like the other 97 of my brethren that will walk the stage right along with me in three short months, and the 15-odd others who had the sense to cut their losses and leave sooner. We all have smiles and shiny white teeth and dimples in our cheeks like we're supposed to, but inside we know it's a farce. We're well aware of the unspoken reality we share.

Allow me to clarify--our diplomas are real. Our degrees are genuine. We are (or will be) real doctors. That's not the issue; it has never been a question, nor will it ever be. The issue comes down to what it all means and what we went through to get it. But that's a separate entry (or ten).

Let me tell you the other half of the story, the half that completes it and makes it real. What's important isn't so much what they're telling you as it is what they're not telling you. And of the 60,000 licensed chiropractors out there, none of them really seem to want to talk about it. Of all the informational websites out there (OK, there are just a few), none provide the whole picture. So, if you'll allow me...

First, I don't care what you've been led to believe - they don't give a flying blue fuck about you, your family, your commute, your body clock, your previous life, your sanity, your health, your time, your abilities, or even you as a person. You are, and will always be, seen as nothing but a cross between a potential revenue source and a pain in the ass, just for being there.

Second, never rest on your laurels and get used to things as they currently are at any given time. Count on change and come to expect it, because if there has ever been any single common theme at Parker from year to year, it's that each and every class is a litter of guinea pigs. As big a deal as they made of their 25th anniversary in existence, you'd think they'd have a few of the basics straightened out. Well, they do. They know how to 1) make a profit and 2) cover their ass in the process. But as far as making things better or more efficient, perish the thought. Yahoo cares more about enhancing your consumer experience than Parker does, and you don't have to pay Yahoo $150k over the next three years. You almost start to think that you're stuck in some kind of wretched Groundhog Day nightmare, where Parker is simply reliving their first couple green, wet-behind-the-ears years over and over again. Maybe it is their first rodeo after all.

Third, these changes that I speak of? Are never for the better. Typically it's an alteration to some process that students never complained about because it actually made sense. Or a kneejerk reaction that remedies something they couldn't help but to realize is bad, only to be replaced by a new, worse, more complicated solution. Oh, they'll sell it to the gullible as a win-win-win-win situation for everyone and all admin will be all smiles, but truth is that out of the deal, everything is done for the benefit of the profit machine that is the institution and the students--those footing the nearly-criminal bill, mind you--are completely left out of the conversation, a completely dismissed afterthought at very best. Do the students ever benefit? Sure, but only if the school does. Absolutely nothing is purely student-centered, especially like it once was. It's not even professor-centered. They claim that the public clinic is doctor-based, but that is only so that the kahunas on top can hold the staff doctors' feet to the fire to produce more, more, more. And they'll have to, because long after each batch of students has left, the staff docs will still be there, trying to crank out numbers for the prez. Who, incidentally, just bought a new Bentley. Wonder if that was in addition to, or from trading in, that hot little 2-seater Mercedes. I've given up keeping tabs.

So where do you fit in? You are a captive audience. Sure, before you sign on the dotted line, they roll out the red carpet and give you three-forks treatment (are they still ordering Jason's Deli for the prospectives? Or are they having our wretched cafe cater that, too, like they do all the other student events? Oh, they didn't tell you that either? Shocking.) Life is all roses and unicorns until--Bam! Day One of the first trimester. The cold, hard reality comes as a steel-like shock as the fluffy clouds and cotton candy fade and disintegrate. You are theirs for the wrangling, the abusing, the stressing out. Don't believe me, ask a 6th trimester student who has to cram for both the Clinic Entrance exam and Part 1 of the National Board exam. Ask me how many pots of coffee they'll brew in the next few days. You are theirs for the sales pitches and advertisements - some subtle, some insultingly blatant. Entire classes (Extra Spinal Adjusting Technique, Physio Therapy 2, and the elective Bio-Energetic Synchronization Technique class, just to name a few) are based solely on the products, services, protocols, and/or philosophy of one or more private companies who just so happen to have donated large sums of money to the school. Does it benefit you? I fail to see how; I honestly don't know where the money goes, because despite every square inch going to the highest bidder, tuition keeps inching up. Which just adds to the stress, of which there is never a shortage at Parker. The institution seems to push people to the brink of both exhaustion and insanity. No wonder we had a suicide last trimester. Bet that never came up at the last prospective student open house now, did it? You don't have to answer; I already know.

Just as importantly, understand that everything is a secret at Parker. If there's an insane procedure you've never received decent training in, you'll be expected to dust off your psychic powers. If there is a rumor circulating, take heed. Admin claims these rumors are "untrue" but in reality, the rumor was simply an unproven fact, and they're simply trying to do damage control, covering their own asses while they attempt to identify, tar, and feather the soul who leaked the info too early or to the wrong people before admin was ready to spring it on the unsuspecting student body. They know that if you find out early enough, you can plan and prepare, and thus they lose their edge. See, they keep an upper hand on things by keeping a lid on things, which means keeping you in the dark.

As you progress along the nonstop to nowhere, you will most likely fall into one of three groups. Maybe you'll become the rah-rah yes-man lap-dog cheerleading puppet who parrots everything you are told and supports the institution and all of its endeavors until your dying day. Or maybe you'll not necessarily approve but yet not necessarily disapprove of the school's shenanigans, but hey it's only three years of your life after which you'll be out and you won't care anyway. Or perhaps you'll become one of the "bitter ones", a once-hopeful new puppy embittered from too many kicks in the face through the trimesters because despite your original optimism and your stubborn attempts to preserve it despite the abuse, it slowly dawns on you that you can no longer deny that it's all about them and all about money and that in the process, you've been robbed of a (very expensive) lifetime opportunity and irretrievable years, forced to accumulate tallied numbers and cram useless facts via rote memorization about conditions you'll never see in real life, meanwhile graduating with the heavy feeling that you're grossly ill-prepared to actually help anyone.

We stood in the registration lines for the last time today. As we were leaving, the innocent, unsuspecting, cheerful, optimistic, downright giddy hopefuls were dutifully lined up, completely unaware of the buttkicking they're about to receive and the callousness with which it will be delivered. Do you know how badly I wanted to shout out to them? There's a reason they keep the earlier trimesters carefully segregated from the upper echelon. Christ, we can't have the near-graduates intermingling with the new incoming students now, can we? Admin would lose their advantageous handle.

Like I said, I know what they told you. They should be hanged. I've been there, done that, lived it, and I know better. I also do not have a vested interest in any particular agenda either way, like, oh, you know, fattening up the school's roster and thus boosting revenue. I have nothing to lose or gain except my own conscience, which is only put to rest if I have spilled the (whole) truth to anyone who might stumble across this diatribe and take it to heart. My pretties, do research your schools. And yes, you do want to venture beyond the parroting rah-rah yes-man lap-dog cheerleading puppet that invariably is carefully hand-selected to conduct the tours putting on the Sunday-best face. You know, the show(off)-and-tell strut-our-stuff peacock runway show meant to razzle and dazzle you all the way to the end of the green mile, at which lies the dotted line of the Master Promissary Note. Because in the end, gang, that's all it boils down to, and that's all you'll ever be good for.

You can call me bitter if you want. Hell, it's the truth. You could even say I have an axe to grind. Correction: I have several. However, I started out much like yourselves, an innocent hopeful in the other registration line, incidentally separated from the very upper trimester students who would've been happy to save my ass given half the chance. I got the whole peacock runway show and I was dazzled, too. In reality, I'm more of a silver-lining person who would much rather given someone the benefit of the doubt, even if I have to squint and hallucinate to make it out. However, when I'm spent, I'm spent. If a solidly-established pattern of raw factual data repeatedly presents itself, then I have no choice but to alter my hypothesis to match the new empirical data. If you've taken this seriously and chosen to look elsewhere for your education, great - I hope that I've helped you save some valuable time, energy, and lest we forget, money. If you are locked into staunch opposition, that's fine, too. It's your right to refuse to believe me; you're entitled and I don't hold any hard feelings. I do have one request, though--to meet up again in three years. Call yourself a guinea pig once again and call it yet one more experiment.