STOP the insanity!

There's this saying that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

(Back in like 2004, people who walked around smugly quoting that phrase were sleek and witty. These days, the phrase is tired; it's no longer sleek and witty...but its quoters are still smug.)

But anyway... The definition of MY insanity is that I keep doing different (increasingly palatable) things and getting the SAME results.

If you haven't guessed, those results aren't the most desirable. I've been beside myself all day trying to figure out what to do. There's a certain standard of care I know someone needs. There's also a price tag attached. And insurance won't pay for it, either. They're too out of touch. Not much I can do about that. But who gets the short end of the stick? I do, when the people decide to go to acupuncturist up the street will order a quarter of the necessary tests, with a quarter of the necessary pricetag, which is delusionally easier to swallow.

I won't give numbers, but I've taken on a handful of new patients in the past 3 months. I know the website is out there and that people are seeing it. I know they're interested and they call. I also know that they receive my paperwork attachments in an email and vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

So I looked at said paperwork. There are no unnecessary, out-of-line, unduly invasive, or over-the-top questions. I went purposefully looking for questions to delete, re-word, or combine to save space, and I couldn't find them. The paperwork is comprehensive but efficient. The questions are concise, and direct yet tactful.

Then I scrutinized the website. Nope, that's all good - questions are answered, concepts are developed in detail, and the process is laid out clearly. Besides (I started to realize) if the website was losing people, we wouldn't be receiving phone calls and emails. Since we are, that part of the chain isn't broken. I honestly don't know where the breakdown is. I mean, from first glance it looks like the Case Review is the weakest link but then, we all know what happened back when I DIDN'T have it. Patient quality has gone through the roof in a good way since we implemented it. It's just that the quantity went through the floor, deeper into the basement than I was ready for.

So I did one thing I do when I'm frustrated and confused: consulted my horoscope for the month. W...T...F. She's so spot on - the high-energy, the projects (bonus that she knew they were electronic in nature), the feeling spent by mid-month (no shit). But there was one glaringly obvious error. She said I'd be HAPPY! I'm NOT happy. No way, no how. In fact, I'm doing everything I can to BE happy. And this not-happiness is not a dip in brain chemicals or an unknown exposure to gluten. Nope, this time it truly comes from the world around me, caving in on me from various (and multiple) angles.

I don't know. Another saying, from someone I admire and respect, who is sleek and witty in every way but cops zero smug factor, says something about progress and growth being made during painful times. This is a painful time, so it is probably also a growing time. Well, that should come with some kind of progress somewhere.

Hey, at least I can spit out an awesome H Pylori demo-diagram in 2 minutes flat. If it's any self-consolation. Jury's out.

Website that rule, Part 4

Has it really been about 5 months since I've posted a cool collection of websites I've found that I liked? Probably. Time doesn't have wrinkles anymore; it has warp zones.

So we're due. And have I got a cool collection. I mean--I always do, but this one is one I can really put my screenname behind. So without further adieu...

Site: http://peopleofwalmart.com/
Why the site rules: Ever feel like you've hit your chin on the bottom rungs of the sociodignity ladder? Does your dad laugh harder than anyone else at his own fart jokes? Yeah, I feel your pain. Reclaim some of that dignified humanity here by gazing in horror at pictures of people who tumbled headfirst into the gene pool. Anytime you're feeling lame and trashy, just know that there's a whole Universe of Trailer out there. Yes, the pictures are real.

Site: http://www.collegewicca.com/
Why the site rules: If you're looking to explore the world of white Witchcraft without the hype, goth, or teenagers, you've come to the right place. Contemporary yet fad-resistant, this site paints an accurate picture in down-to-mother-earth fashion. Not only that, but it doesn't play a cryptic game of hard-to-get by hiding the juicy details behind a pay wall or elaborate (and expensive) scheme, either. Although the details aren't all THAT juicy. But there are plenty of them anyway, and with its compassionate, knowledgeable bedside manner, it answers your sometimes-ridiculous questions without making fun of you.

Site: http://www.appointmentquest.com/
Why the site rules: For the first time ever, I'm actually promoting a service. Yes, it's web-based and you log into the website. No, it's not free, interesting, eye-candy, or informative. However, we've been using it for 9 months, and it has worked quite well. It's an online scheduling company that is actually user-friendly, somewhat intuitive, and rather easily navigable. It's secure, straightforward, and feature-rich. I have no vested interest. If I did, I wouldn't be living in a low-income apartment complex. Just call me a happy customer.

Site: http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/
Why the site rules: This is a collection of literally tens of thousands of GREAT, high-resolution desktop backgrounds for your computer. Unlike many other sites, there's (way) more than a dozen, the graphics are excellent and not cheesy, and they're FREE (not "premium" - nor do they tease you). Download till your heart's content. You'll have a tough time deciding on just one to set as your desktop background at a time. I suggest investing in an extra harddrive before beginning your desktop adventure.

Site: http://www.zeropaid.com/
Why the site rules: I'm dusting off a (very) oldie-but-goodie that has been around since the era of Audiogalaxy and its downfall. Having shifted emphasized feel from forum (so 2001-2003) to blog (so 2008-present), it's a good source for news and resources related to P2P. It has undergone a much-needed facelift and dare I say it looks....good.

Site: http://www.pissedconsumer.com/
Why the site rules: By contrast, this site is a relatively recent find. It's essentially a Ripoff Report clone, but it looks marginally better. Pissed Consumer does have a leg up on its competitor in its higher level of activity and that people can comment without having to sign up for an account (and despite that, it's relatively spam-free) and the comments that follow posts are organized logically and in a way that's somewhat visually appealing.

Site: http://www.askamanager.com/
Why the site rules: Like Evil HR Lady, this is a Human Resources (HR - read: corporate hiring)-based blog that bestows free career advice, and like EHRL, Ask a Manager (AAM) answers readers' questions and whatnot. However, that's where the similarities end. AAM writes sound, mature advice with a refreshing streak of spitfire, as evidenced in her occasional but unapologetic use of words like hell and ass. She's also quite prolific, much like EHRL in the early days. She'll keep you busy for a while.

Site: http://shitmydadsays.com/
Why the site rules: This is the comedy site of the bunch. I mean, the rest of the sites are at least somewhat useful; this site isn't, save for a good belly laugh. I will say that the Shit My Dad Says project has become ever-increasingly commercialized, having left behind its humble roots long ago. So now, the site has more of a venture-capital sell-out feel. But it's still funny, and at least they have left some of the bad language intact without having to resort of substituting asterisks for every other letter. This site is not Rated G. You've been warned.

Site: http://www.facecrooks.com/
Why the site rules: If you're one of the poor saps who still uses Facebook (like me), and you're not ready to give it the heave-ho and delete your account altogether (like me), at least give this site a premo spot in your Bookmarks or (eek!) Favorites and check back often (also like me). It's a (yep, another) blog-style site that posts scam alerts and other Facebook-centered headlines to keep you on top of the plethora of scams and phishing attempts and the ridiculously confusing "privacy" changes. Knowledge is half the battle (I know, I know - deleting your account is the other half, but we've been over this a few times). Very informative and frequently-updated site, with screenshots of scam attempts.

http://community.livejournal.com/customers_suck
Why the site rules: Sometimes? Customers just suck. There's humor, frustration, danger, venting, fails, and wins, all in one gathering place. Your one-stop-shop for breakroom stories of the unskilled, overworked, and underpaid. Downright funny - be prepared to spend time here. If you're also employed in this particular sector of the workforce, set aside several hours.

There ya go; that should keep us all busy for a few months.

See Also:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Neverending story

I posted this pic on my Facebook page recently, only to have people who rarely comment come out of the woodwork with words of encouragement, such as "classic!", "I love it!" and "my sentiments exactly."

Obviously, it struck a cord. I was in good company. This picture speaks to many of us, and we all have our unique reasons why.

When I first saw it, I laughed really hard. It had been one of those days (little did I know what was in store since then), and it hit my funny, empathetic bone.

Maybe it was the umpteenth birdfight that ensued on my Facebook page after I posted a relatively benign link. Yes, I think that out of 470 some-odd "friends" of varying importance and significance in my life, I may actually have my very own troll. It's reassuring to find that there's someone out there who has less of a life than I. But it's still frustrating to have to constantly refute, referee, or at least make enough additional postings to bury it.

Speaking of asshat social networking sites, it could've been the fact that the "new" (ridiculous) page/profile format is now coming to the other Facebook pages as well. Administrators of those pages, of course, don't have any choice. (They never do.)

Or maybe it was members of the Dysfunctional Medicine group once again trying to encroach on my turf and my circle of contacts when they had no business being there.

Or maybe it was the follow-up-slash-telemarketing-call soon after said educational shindig from the testosterone-deficient young SoCal dude with the quiet cellphone trying to ask me questions or give me info I can't hear. Sarcastic Bonus Points for the fact that some of the "information" he's sharing just so happens to be for upcoming seminars I've already taken in cities I have a near-pathological aversion to stepping foot in.

Or maybe it was a family member patient who is so stubbornly negative that he cannot help but express his doubts and displeasure over what is actually not that bad a situation. Yes, it's a restricted diet. Believe me, it could be worse. I have certain formerly-vegetarian patients on diets that consist of nothing but chicken, lamb, turkey, fish, green leafy vegetables, and cruciferous vegetables. Rice is an occasional treat. For several months. This family member is bitching about a few more weeks without coffee, for Christ's sake. I'm also growing very tired of the use of (a very average) age as an excuse of why not to make these changes. And then asked me how to circumvent biochemistry. Uh, that's called pharmacology, which is not available under my license and has a price of its own.

Or maybe it's the recent fiasco involving the crowd (and accompanying personality type) that seeks elective massage therapy. The indignation, the flakiness, and the attempts to dictate our practice and methods of operation. But that's been resolved, and some of the biggest complainants may actually feel the flames a little themselves. But having to set certain policies in place is a PITA that I didn't want to deal with. Boost that arm of the practice, yes - deal with the flaky prima donnas, no.

Or perhaps it's the CONSTANT problems with our Windows machines - the babysitting, the errors, the unsolicited updates, and unexpected freezes and shutdowns. For fuck's sake, how did I ever live 20 years believing that was even acceptable?

Or maybe it's the techno bassline emanating from the bass-friendly speakers of the neighbors below us every Sunday morning. If I'm lucky I can respond with a radio station playing jazz - through good stereo speakers....which I've done.

Or could it be Firefox's unwillingness to run smoothly after a while? Every so often it freezes, errors out, or shuts down - although I think that could be just as much of a Facebook issue as anything else.

Either way? Screw the world for the night. I've logged off Facebook and if my troll strikes again, he's outta here. I'm also logging out of Facebook so that Firefox doesn't have an excuse to crash. I've tossed the ball back into the family patient's court and if said patient won't cooperate, s/he just won't get the desired results and risks getting discontinued from the program. I'm studying hard so that the Dysfunctional Med group can say, do, and try all they want and still never catch up to me. Not much I can do about the follow-up/sales calls, but at least it's a captive audience to which I can voice my opinions. We've made several changes to the massage therapy side of the practice to either shape the problem clients up or ship them out. We're replacing Windows boxes with Apple ones. And last but not least, I've got pictures like the one above to help jumpstart a good, therapeutic laugh.

All massage clients are psychotic

I am in a state of recovery. And despite 3 Myocalm, 20 minutes of expert trigger point therapy, and (lightening strikes twice in 3, 2, 1....) 9 hours of sleep, I'm still not 100% back to my old self.

It was a combination of factors. (Isn't it always?) Without revealing too much info lest someone described herein finds this blog and starts to think I might be talking about them, one of our patients/clients referred another. This is the Holy Grail of private practice - referrals are a very good thing. But be careful which of your clientele is doing the referring, because as far as friendships and family ties go, apples don't fall far from trees and your new clientele will often be more of the same.

We all got blind-sided yesterday. Although we love new clients/patients/etc, sometimes we have to lay down the law. As in, clinic-director-yanks-you-into-the-office-when-you-arrive-for-your-first-appointment-and-scolds-you-for-your-behavior-thus-far. This is extreme - I never imagined this would happen and I hope it never happens again.

What would necessitate such a thing? Oh, a phone call (that *I* made) 10 minutes into an hour-and-a-half appointment, in which case the absent person, in a combination of nonchalance and elitist snip, says they thought they'd come in an hour later and do just a half hour instead. Leaving my therapist dead in the water, sans income, for a quarter of her workday. And leaving the 2 other people who inquired about morning massage therapy appointments, dead in the water, sans pain relief, because those time slots were already taken. And let me repeat: *I* made the phone call; this person could not be bothered to call us.

It was fucking Dallas all over again. All the snippy people that had tried to run my practice in every possible way before, all came flooding back.

The new person did not arrive until 15 minutes into the now-30-min appointment. As is typical with these folks, this person didn't bother looking up the address or location or consult a FREE ONLINE MAP *before* starting out, so naturally they got lost. Our therapist, bless her heart, doing her best, gave the new person a few extra minutes to try to maximize the massage time. Laws of time are not necessarily sympathetic, so the schedule got backed up, bit by bit.

Then, the person who referred the New Problem came in for their appointment (also massage only), and after a 20-min wait, they couldn't wait anymore, so they left. Ironic that it was their own friend/referral that caused the train wreck in the first place, but we couldn't disclose that. Also ironic that the referrer is also consistently a few minutes late for their appointments and never complains about getting the full time when receiving the same favor. I understand the displeasure and the need to leave, but upon leaving I was ordered (or so it felt) that we "had to change our system".

So we did.

Change #1: Massage is no longer 30 minutes. The rule of thumb is now 30 minutes from one start time to the next so that we can begin on time, every time. Those who are late get an even shorter appointment. This applies especially to I'm-consistently-late-but-still-enjoy-the-full-time-but-I-get-pissy-when-I-have-to-wait. No leniency.

Change #2: Those seeking massage therapy only (and not any of our other alternative medical services) will have to turn their paperwork in before we'll even schedule their first appointment, and this paperwork will include a credit card authorization to charge their card if they no-show or cancel with inappropriate notice. No leniency.

Change #3: Oh by the way, it's a great time to ban cell phones in the office. I'm on the warpath, so why not make this much-needed change, too?

Morals of the story:
1. To those seeking "change", be careful what you wish for.
2. To those who complain when their own backyard is a rat's nest, don't. Those rats bite back.

And so do I.

Bracing for the crimson tide

My period's coming soon. And I'm going to talk about it. Come on, more than half the population deals with this phenomenon one out of every four days in her life, for a good 30 to 40 years, so suck it up.

I don't get weepy anymore, but I do still get feisty. Luckily, it's legitimate things that set me off, like my husband asking me to copy my gazillion fonts over to his new computer (his is the desktop version, unavoidedly and unashamedly referred to as the "Big Mac", which makes me hungry for stuff I can't eat every time I hear it), or him leaving the remote control on the floor out of my reach while he leaves the room for a while, just in time for those repetitive, insulting second-rate commercials to come on. Or (this one's actually legit) those damned allergies that have come on the coldest fucking day of the year (we're expecting snow, for God's sake). What could I be allergic to, wind?

Luckily, after decades of becoming a crank once in a not-blue moon, I've developed some coping skills (well, I'm not doing so hot with the allergies, but I'm slowly becoming an old hat at the rest).

Coping skill #1: Cuss a lot.
Dropping the f-bomb (or other bombs) after every sneeze or computer mishap doesn't solve the problem or even make it happen less frequently, but it does have therapeutic benefit. It's like getting revenge on nobody in particular, but you feel better just the same. Another error message? Fine, fuck you. See?

Coping skill #2: Keep the mute button handy when watching TV.
It doesn't matter if you normally find the Huggies kids cute or the "Free" Credit Report jingles catchy (I don't know, maybe you have a secret crack habit); when you're in the midst of a hormone surge, they're going to irritate you to no end. To preserve the longevity of your TV, hang onto the remote and one finger on the mute button.

Coping skill #3: Stay out of rush hour traffic.
I probably don't need to elaborate further.

Coping skill #4: Lock yourself in a room.
This way, you won't have to deal with anyone else. That way, when your husband comes in to ask you to open up your Fonts folder permissions for network sharing so he can copy them over, you don't perceive him as a freeloading demanding nag who has nothing better to do but inconvenience you.

Oh, and turn off the phone, too. Best not to check email, either. And screw the News. It'll only piss you off.

Coping skill #5: Stay off Facebook.
This applies particularly if the multiple facets of your personality attract a variety of people who have nothing better to do on a cold night than have a birdfight about global warming, capitalism, and carbon footprints. While it's great entertainment, you're liable to tell everyone across the board to take a hike...off a cliff.

Coping skill #6: Watch lots of Family Guy.
You will find great company and comforting solace in the attitudes and perspectives of Stewie and Brian (the dog). That is, if Lois's voice doesn't make you want to throw your Coke bottle through the TV.

Coping skill #7: This, too, shall pass.
You only have to put up with this for so long before your liver catches up to your hormone levels and they start to drop and you become YOU again. Yes, as shitty as this feels while it's happening, it is, after all, only temporary and underneath it all, you're still human. At least, until next month.

I hear ye, I hear ye!

If I was a gambling woman, I would've bet the ranch that I would've acquired hearing aids at some point in my life. I know those parameters aren't real specific, but it would've been hard to nail down exactly how old I would be when the need arose.

I did not see "33" in my crystal ball, however. But regardless, I have them and I am thankful. I believe my first reaction was, "hello, world!"

And they do kick ass. I'm actually surprised that my experience has been roughly what I expected. I'll chronicle the basics now, while my acoustically-dampened world is still fresh in my head.

Hearing aids are not like your natural hearing.

They're like a tiny speaker inserted into your ear. The microphone that picks up the sound is on the unit itself, which (in my case) rests behind the ear. (I didn't expect it to stay put as well as it does!) The sound is then transmitted through a small clear cord that inserts as far deep into the outer ear canal as you can get. In fact, it ideally butts up against the eardrum a little bit.

Since I lost different parts of my hearing (mid-range frequencies) much more than others, I got the type of hearing aid that they adjust the different sound frequencies, like the graphic equalizer switches on a stereo, versus the ones that just amplify all sound across the board. So my hearing aids are set to boost those mid-range frequencies and as a result, the sound quality is a bit tinny.

I also hear lots of room noise. It's kind of like listening to a recording of dead air, or having a speaker that's on but not playing any sound, or like listening to the slight hiss of an audiotape (remember those? 60, 90, 120 minutes of analog sweetness?) Certain types of sounds are somewhat disproportionately amplified, such as central heating or A/C, or even my laptop fan, should it kick into higher gear. Strangely enough, I even heard a hissing I couldn't place one day that ended up being someone doing yard work with a gasoline-fed powertool....2 lawns over. And I was indoors with windows closed to boot.

You need different programmed settings for different environments.

It's amazing how quickly the sound ramps up when approaching a busy street. I'm very fortunate to have various settings individually programmed for different situations. The first setting is Universal, which is the default, because it's the most suitable for a normal office or home environment. Another setting I use is for louder environments like restaurants, the mall, or walking along busy streets, because it helps filter out background noise. Yet another setting boosts the audio coming through a phone while filtering out all other room noise.

Some things are still hard.

Using the phone has presented the most significant challenge. Even though all phones made after 1989 are supposed to be automatically hearing-aid compatible, the accuracy of that statement varies. My office phone, ironically, is the worst. The front desk phone is marginally better (same manufacturer and model), and the pre-1995 cordless phone at home is best. The sensor that automatically switches the hearing aids from the default mode over to the phone mode isn't completely perfect, so I've found it important to keep the remote control handy.

One thing I didn't expect was how parts of my life slowed down. I can't just reach over and pick up the phone anymore - I have to be ready with my remote control (with all the program buttons on it) to manually force the hearing aids into phone mode if they don't stay switched over properly. This means that I don't leave home without the remote control device and in fact, it's very close to me at all times (unless I know I'm not leaving home or answering the phone and thus won't need to change settings).

Sometimes, it's the little things.

Singing is interesting, because now there's a different vocal quality. Our trips back and forth to the office are different now because that's one of my noisier environments but not noisy enough to switch settings. Since the quarters are so close, sound becomes even more amplified, compounded by truck engine noise and road-tire noise.

What I was least prepared for, however, is how dampened everything gets at night. You don't realize it in the morning before putting the hearing aids in, but after having them in all day and letting your brain get used to them as the new "normal", taking them out at night is like stuffing cottonballs tight into your ears. It's like a heavy blanket that dampen, softens, and almost mutes everything.

The scary part is, that's how I used to live my life. Everyone around me had to talk loud and enunciate very clearly and even then I would misinterpret words (much like playing a game of telephone). Watching TV without wireless headphones was out of the question, and it was no wonder that I wouldn't hear the phone until the 4th ring or an alarm clock good go off for a solid minute before I would even realize it. It's not that I was sleeping heavily; it's that I was turned away from the alarm clock, laying on my good ear, with my less-functional ear exposed. (The alarm clock part is still a fact of life, because I don't sleep with my hearing aids in, but everything else has improved.)

Hearing impairment is a 24/7 thorn in your side - so don't be an ass, and never assume.

And being hearing impaired, even if not fully deaf, is a painful, frustrating, alienated world. People talk around you and you can't hear what they're saying. Classmates poked some fun at one aspect of another (even the hearing problem itself) and I had no idea. People had to poke me from behind to get my attention because otherwise I'd never know they were there. Emergency sirens could come up behind me and I wouldn't hear them until they had passed me (I would see the lights first and pull over). When you don't hear like everyone else, parts of life suck. Depending on vocal quality, some people were particularly tough to hear.

And I got sick of the people who were rude to me, thinking I was dumb, dense, self-absorbed, or ignorant when really all that it boiled down to was that I couldn't hear them. Bad hearing is the single handicap people can't see, so they give you no leeway because to them, you look like a normal person. It's double-tough when you're young, because NO ONE expects someone under 65-70 to be partially deaf.

I also got annoyed at people who would just talk super-fast, or those who would mumble or neglect to enunciate because whether they realized it or not (and I got even more annoyed at those who were aware of the situation), they were further alienating me. It was yet one more reminder of this issue, and yet one more frustrating experience, one more incident in which I could not function 100%.

Every night is a wake-up call.

So every night, taking them out serves as a reminder of what life could be like in a parallel universe of continuing with my previous situation. And every night, I'm reminded to be thankful (although I rarely rely on that as my sole reminder). It feels good to feel human again.