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Thursday, April 23, 2009

when in rome...


Food for thought: how many of these characteristics are we seeing in modern-day society? All of these different phenomena happened in Rome, and various scholars argue that most of these were principal contributors to the fall of Rome. They'll sound familiar, sometimes spookily so. Some might not sound so bad at first glance, but then, if you want a sneak preview of what's in store for us should we allow these various concepts to materialize further and perpetuate, well, just look at how it turned out for the Romans. Ask the Romans how allowing these issues to flourish worked out for them.

Distant wars, acquiring the land of strangers. Let's face it; it seems as though we're trying to serve as the world's unsolicited police force. OK, maybe we're not outright turning these regions into additional states just yet, but we are definitely mettling where some might argue we should not be, and for amounts of time well beyond reasonable.

Escalating taxation. I read somewhere that the average American pays out about 2/3 of every dollar earned toward taxes of some kind. I've also heard about the horrendous tax structures in other parts of the world. TEA parties don't originate for no reason. These days, TEA is not necessarily a ground plant to be thrown overboard a ship like it was in history, but rather, it's an acronym that stands for "Taxed Enough Already". It's pretty sad when the average family needs 2 wage-earners, despite lower overhead due to having fewer children than in the past.

Reliance on slaves/underclass. Although slavery was outlawed almost 150 years ago, there have been other groups throughout recent history that have served the same purpose. I know there are numerous ways to break the cycle of poverty out there, and lots of programs in place for those who wish to seek a better quality of life, but often, they're easier in theory than in practice. I hear the indignant defense of "they do the jobs that no one else wants!" but this is simply not the case. I know people who would do plenty to feed their families. These same indignants are usually yuppie middle-management paper pushers who are themselves expendable, who are all-too-happy to let someone else do the grunt work.

Welfare for the non-working poor ("bread and circus" or "food and entertainment"). I'm going to say it, and it may offend some, but there is too much redistribution of income. Far too many benefits are going to waste. The recipients themselves sometimes squander them, or they consume them without contributing anything back to society. Mental illness, temporary hard luck situations, and the deserving working poor aside, society should *not* be subsidizing people who are simply too lazy to work. Anytime a behavior is rewarded, it is expanded (i.e. you see more of it) and that spells doom to a workforce. Nothing kills a workforce's morale like watching their hard-earned money go to lazy people who won't go bring home their own bacon. I dare any liberal to challenge me: if you're so bleeding heart, send ME money! I can assure you it will not go to waste.

Exposures to heavy metals like mercury and lead. Let's see...lead pipes and lead paint. And if you think we're out of the woods on lead paint, think again. Just because you can't buy lead paint for your walls doesn't mean you own children don't come in contact with it every single day. You know those cheap toys from Walmart you bought for your kids? Yeah, those... Oh, and mercury? Now that you wave your thermometer over your child's forehead like a magic wand and pharmaceutical companies are now starting to develop thimerosal-free vaccines, we think mercury is slowly being phased out. But au contraire! It's making its way IN--to food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup (which is in everything, and often as a main ingredient!), and to those lovely lightbulbs that, thanks to recent legislation, will become one of our only legal light bulb options. Just look at the protocol for what to do if one of those things breaks...

Poor agricultural practices that drain the soil of much-needed nutrients and render food produce (and those who consume it) malnourished. By 1938, the US government issued a report stating that our farmland soil was practically dead, devoid of nutrients. We've done little to change it since; in fact, we've only made things much worse. So, I don't think I need say more.

Lost values and the "anything goes" mentality, including being soft on crime and excessive intoxication. I understand peoples' fear of totalitarian states, and I've also heard the (untrue) statement that we can't/shouldn't legislate morality. As cool as this hippie state seems, and as prone as we all can be to this mindset from time to time, we shouldn't take the "anything goes" stance too literally and start believing that it's the default philosophy and the way to go in most cases, because it's not. Advanced societies have order and standards, basic agreed-upon values. Animalistic societies do not. "Anything goes" is a dangerous road to head down...unless you actually want to end up like the Romans.

Runaway inflation. Inflation is now a government-engineered mechanism. It is also destined to get us into some serious financial trouble, setting us up for an era of perpetual debt and possible implosion. That's cool if you don't believe what I'm saying; do your own research. Deflation, where people actually get less money, is actually OK, because then each dollar is worth more and those with savings actually end up having a bit more buying power. Inflation isn't always great because once you start down that road, it's tough to go back or slow down, and it can get away from you very quickly.

Hoarding and extreme materialism. Wow, that's kind of eerily on-the-mark, isn't it? I mean, how materialistic do we have to get before we start caring about whether or not the Nike symbol is on our sweatshirts, or thinking about getting that second flatscreen plasma TV...or when your 8-year-old has an Ipod...or a cellphone with an unlimited texting plan. And the parents are now working 80 hour weeks, never seeing their kids, so they can buy each of them their own Wii system. Or lease another new BMW, take your pick. When you subconsciously tally your self-worth by the value of your house compared to the rest of your friends or family, you've reached a new low. Time to get real, people.

Political corruption. I don't even think that needs an explanation.

Military spending. No 'splaining here, either.

Lack of border enforcement, leading to vulnerability. Wow, that one stung, too, huh?

Centralization of too large an area. Rome spanned a rather large area, in its heyday. Too large, in fact, for it to govern efficiently or effectively. Failing to learn from history, we're dooming ourselves for a repeat. Only it's getting worse. It's coming, folks. The European Union started things off--great little prototype, and largely a successful one. The world government wanna-be powers-that-be are gleaming. Now they've organized the world into 10 entities that will eventually consolidate under a single world-wide governing body. Sounds benign, even beneficial in some respects, but your autonomy goes away. Don't like the way things are run? Tough. You have no escape, no other option at all, unless you want to go to the moon. Don't laugh. Instead, Google "North American Union" and see what's coming to a quality of life near you.

Wow, sorry to be so doom and gloom. But, look on the bright side. It doesn't have to be this way. The Constitution and Libertarian parties do look promising, don't you think?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

For massage therapists: Mood music


Hello, massage puppies :) I've been asked about music, the tastes of which are almost as personal as those of wallpaper, but I see no harm in naming off some various favorites that have stood the test of time. I bring you this list, which is in no particular order and by no means conclusive...

Artist: Govi
Album: practically any
Style: Spanish-style guitar. Relaxing, yet cheerful and upbeat.
Especially good for: any session that is not lymphatic massage or cranial-sacral work. Good for either cheerful clients (because it won't bring them too far down) and also for depressed clients (because it will cheer them up a little, or at least not let them sink any further). Also good for the client you don't necessarily want to fall asleep. Especially useful for massage therapists who do corrective work and to intentionally deviate away from the spa.

Artist: Llewellyn
Album: practically any
Style: varies. Anything from Andean Mountain-style guitar (not quite as pick-me-up as Govi) to calmly bright peaces with light but cheerful drumbeats (Color Healing album) to totally beatless ambient music.
Especially good for: depends on which album and what effect you're gunning for. Choose the Andean style guitar for the relaxation massage, the oceans and dolphins for the lymphatic or cranial-sacral clients, or the Color Healing album for that pain management client you don't want falling asleep on you.

Artist: William Orbit
Album: Hello Waveforms (especially--although many are good)
Style: electronic music without vocals, some light beats, hi-tech sound. Usually mellow.
Especially good for: the younger, hip client who likes a cerebral curveball every now and then, or the middle-aged client who simply can't stand Enya or any of the other typical "massage music". Very useful to break up the monotony.

Artist: 2002
Album: practically any
Style: ambient, with piano, harp, keyboards. Ethereal, but no rafter-high female vocals or chanting. Good warm sound, very dreamy.
Especially good for: a deeply relaxing massage, especially if it's a long session. Good for the severely over-stressed person, or someone so revved up it's hard to get them to come down. Useful for the person who wants to drift away, perhaps off to sleep.

Artist: Ishq
Album: Sonic Incense
Style: Dreamy, very ambient, high-tech sound without much percussion, no vocals.
Especially useful for: same as 2002. It's not depressing music, but don't use with anyone who's depressed, or with the extremely right-brained person.

Artist: Enya
Album: any
Style: a combination of ambient, dreamy, adult-contemporary, light pop, instrumental, and female vocal. Anything from some rhythm to completely beatless.
Especially useful for: the client who likes to stick with tried-n-true typical massage music.

Artist: James Asher
Album: pretty much any
Style: a combo of good strong African/Asian percussion, with flutes, keyboards. Very salty, earthy, grounding.
Especially good for: the chakra rebalancing session where there is a weak first or third chakra, a pain-management session where you don't want the patient to fall asleep, a cortical hemisphere rebalancing session where the client is too far right-brained or depressed, or the client who comes in feeling too rowdy, stressed, or energetic and has a hard time settling down. It'd be a good segue into more relaxing music, because it meets the high-strung client at their level first, all the while grounding them.

Artist: Makyo
Album: especially Yakshini
Style: a very East-meets-West style of new electronic beats and instrumentation with accents of traditional Indian/Middle Eastern vocals and instruments.
Especially good for: the open-minded client who needs a little something different, a client with an appreciation for world music, the upscale world traveler, the exploratory college student. Very calming and trancelike, without being fast-paced at all.

Artist: Diane Arkenstone
Album: Echoes of Egypt
Style: soundtrack-quality music, some with beats and some not, some upbeat and some haunting. Good fit for a pivotal scene in a "Braveheart"-esque movie set in Cairo.
Especially good for: the client on a journey, someone spiritual and deep, someone who sees the true deeper body-mind-soul connection and gets bodywork for that purpose.

Artist: David Arkenstone
Album: In the Wake of the Wind
Style: also soundtrack-quality music. Mostly with beats, some more upbeat, some more calm. A bit less haunting than Echoes of Egypt.
Especially good for: the client who wants something a bit different, something more upbeat than typical dreamy massage music. Has catchy melodies and crafty arrangements, good use of the different audio textures of different instruments.

Artist: Michael Benghiat
Album: Meditation
Style: varies from simplistic Middle-Eastern style solo guitar to near-beatless ambient
Especially good for: the client who likes more of the typical massage music, but without the ethereal rafter-level vocals or instrumentation. It gives traditional massage music an earthy spin. Good for someone who wants to fall asleep also.

I'm sure I'll add more later. As always, feel free to add your own! Just post a comment.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

child-free zone: fines double


Not that we've fielded many questions about this (at least not yet), but I'll answer the unspoken question preemptively: we have consciously decided not to have children. I know, I know, it goes against the "next logical step"...you know, the whole conventional "graduate from college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids"--wait--when were we ever known to be conventional? What logical steps? Whose logic? (Hint: not ours!)

Not that I dislike children; quite the contrary, actually. I like children a lot. I often want to hang their (non-)parents from tall hickory trees on remote rural acreage, but that's beside the point. Kids themselves are fine; I just don't see the need, nor do I have the desire to have any of my own. At first I thought my hormone levels were a little off. After all, doesn't there come a point when the biological clock starts ticking, and it gets so loud that it starts to run a woman's life? Mine had always seemed like this nearly-inaudible sound that every time it so much as threatened to pop up, I hit the snooze button. Now, I don't even need to go that far.

And apparently, I'm not alone. I unexpectedly stumbled upon an internet community, a plethora of websites, devoted entirely to this one single decision: the non-desire to have kids. It's a diverse group, too. Contrary to the vibe that the most militant of its members portray, I respect the decision of most everyone to chooses to have kids. I have nothing against them (as long as they actually parent them, that is - to raise them, pay consistent attention to them, teach them basic morals and values, and lest no one forgets, provide proper guidance and supervision). I just choose not to join their ranks.

I've done some soul-searching and the closest basic "it all boils down to this" theme is: I'm honest with myself. I don't think I'd make a bad mother, per se, but I wouldn't make a great one. My life has taken a different path than that which would provide the proper amount of time and energy it takes to raise a child properly. I'm supposed to do accomplish different goals with my life, at least this time around (I believe in reincarnation). The clincher, though, are the biological issues, from both sides--mine and my husband's.

At first I thought it'd be neat to bring a creation into the world, to contribute something to society, to somehow make it better, even after we pass on. I thought it'd be interesting to see how our genes would come together, what we're capable of. I thought it'd be cool to raise a child properly, to compensate for someone else who hadn't been. I don't need anyone to call me mommy, follow me around, shower praises on me, love me unconditionally, depend on me for survival, look up to me as their idol, or anything else. I didn't want to make any decision mindlessly, just because it's what society expects will happen next. I most certainly didn't want a child in order to strengthen a relationship, secure a commitment, to change a man (these aren't problems for us), or to change myself.

I really cherish freedom--so much so that I'm almost anal about retaining lots of it. If we want to take a weekend trip to San Antonio just the two of us, I'd rather not think about trying to persuade my parents to take them for the weekend. I'd rather not get woken up by some reverse gastrointestinal mishap in the middle of the night. I don't want an intimate moment to get interrupted by the fearful possibility that little eyes might've prematurely seen too much. I want to be able to watch a rated-R movie in its entirety, without concern. I'd rather hang on to more disposable income, using it to take a trip abroad or maybe retire a little more comfortable. I'd rather not worry about how a rambunctious toddler might (inadvertently or not) harm the cats. I enjoy having late nights, extra home office space, sleeping through the night without interruption, sleeping in on a weekend, listening to the music I want, deciding on a whim to stay out with our other (child-free) friends a little later. This is a semi-carefree lifestyle that I'm not just going to give up. It's peaceful. It's cheaper. It's one less source of stress. And what does my husband think about all this? Actually, this is his stance also, only he's fairly hardcore about it.

Thank *insert deity here* that I haven't had to endure the interrogation by the self-righteous among us who can't imagine that a couple would decide to actually not want to have a little bundle of joy or two running around. I've heard the stories of those who proclaim to a child-free woman that she'll "change her mind!". These poor women (the child-free) have endured a lot. I totally draw the line at homosexual accusations. Just because a woman has not decided to use her reproductive organs does not mean she is a lesbian. I hope, for their sake, that the militant few who are so sure we're going to "regret our decision later" don't direct their questions at me. Don't make me locate a few more of those handy hickory tree branches!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

To all the customers I've loved before


A few days ago I stumbled upon a "Customers suck" blog, and a few of its knock-off cousins. These blogs serve as sanity-sustaining sounding boards for anonymous rants about asshole customers endured by overworked and underpaid people, usually from the retail and other service sectors. In the interest of pure class-time-wasting entertainment, I continued reading. I even laughed out loud, while knowingly nodding. Baristas and sales associates, I've been there and done that.

My personal current chiropractic patients and massage clients? I love them. You won't hear any complaints from me. I haven't had any recent material to contribute to message boards like that. However, I have had my share of asshats and douchebags such as those described by the pour souls run ragged for barely above minimum wage. I understand perfectly the terms "suck" and "WTF", both used as nouns.

Because I'm more of a follower than I'd ever admit in a personally identifiable way, to keep with the spirit of those blogs, I'll add my own "(past) customers suck" comments.

1. (Background: I used to work in a fairground concession stand behind hot machines filled with 425-degree vegetable oil. That's the kind of temperature the burns to the bone, if enough anatomical surface area is involved. I was fast - not the type to let the donuts pile up in the glass cage. When we were slammin' busy, the machines were fast, pumping out 36 donuts every minute, but I was seasoned, and I was faster.) To the customers that insisted on FRESH donuts: I understand you don't want stale donuts. I even agree with you. But it's quite clear that if my hand is in the way when the donut falls down the little chute, you can see that I wince as that hot little sucker burns my hand. Don't you think that's fresh enough?? BTW, I watch you as you walk away - you let them cool off for a while anyway. So quitcher bitchin!

2. Restaurant customers:
a. When you order a well-done steak, don't complain when your food doesn't show up in 10 minutes. It took our place at least 20 minutes to cook a steak all the way through.
b. Contrary to what you'd like to believe, I don't make a gold mine as a waitress. My minimum wage isn't $5.15 (at the time) like everyone else. It's $2.13. That's because it is understood that we'll make up the difference in TIPS. And there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what tipping is or why they should do so at a full-service restaurant.
c. The money we do make? Is not "under the table". We don't just skate out the door with our tips in hand every night and thumb our nose at the IRS come tax time. No, they have a formula. They tax us on a certain percentage of what we SELL, not what we MAKE. Yes, this means that if, due to your social refusal to believe in and take part in the tipping system, or your claim that you got less than 100% perfect service, or whatever other pathetic excuse you can come up with to justify what is usually just being cheap, you fail to leave a decent tip, not only did we "lose" money from the standpoint that we could've made more money waiting on someone else with the time we devoted to your sorry ass, but we actually LOST money waiting on you. That's right, we PAID to wait on you. Do you go to work and do your job and then instead of getting paid, you pay someone else? Well, that's what cheapskates do to us. This is because since we're taxed based on our SALES, which are tracked, and we didn't make tips on those sales, we're taxed on "income" that we didn't actually make. We pay money out of our own pocket to cover the taxes based on those phantom tips that you were too cheap to give us. And mind you, I'm NOT talking about bad service here. I'm talking about either cheapskate customers, or perhaps a backed up kitchen or a slow bar. If I'm depending on other staff members for certain parts of your order, then understand that I'm not entirely responsible when you have to wait a few extra minutes. I will smile, be nice as pie, apologize, keep watching for your order to come up, and get it right out to you when it does, while monitoring your table for any of your other needs in the meantime. Don't take your frustration out on me financially.
d. Contrary to what else you might think, I'm not a high school dropout, a single mom, a drug user, a slut, a robot, or perfect. I am a human being, who has thoughts, feelings, beliefs, a life outside of the restaurant. I am someone with skills and emotions and I can make mistakes too. I'm not some loser with no further direction in life. I'm also not your slave, your concubine, your prospective girlfriend, your babysitter, a dog to be whistled at, or someone you can order around, hit on, grab, or snap your fingers at. Kapiche?
e. Complements, while nice to receive, do NOT make up for poor tips. They don't count as income. Do not smile at me and tell me what a great server I am while handing me a 10% tip. Complements are great, but they don't pay my mortgage. I have bills to pay too, and flattery ain't currency.
f. Often, take-out orders are rung up by the waitress and--you guessed it--they are included on her sales for the night. This means that the government is going to assume she made money on those sales and they will tax that "income" accordingly. So, don't make her pay out of her own pocket to ring up your order - throw her at least a couple bucks. On a take-out order, 10% is the minimum. (15-20% as a sitdown customer for decent service, and 25% for great service.)

3. Former or prospective massage clients:
a. Dear price-shopping unpromising prospective massage client: I am not going to give you a discount off your first massage. You get a discount when you schedule your next massage on your way out after a massage, for a month or less from that day. You don't just get a discount right off the bat. My prices are my prices. Why should I give you a lower price? What have you done to deserve that? What makes you different than anyone else who would have to pay full price?
b. Dear certain former massage clients for whom the following became a habit: when you cancel on short notice or you do not show up, this puts a serious cramp in both my schedule and my ability to pay my bills and feed my family. When you reserve a massage time slot, that slot can't be given to anyone else. When that time rolls around and you don't show up, that time slot expires, and the income I was counting on is gone. I can't sell that time to anyone else and make up the lost income. When you cancel with 30 minutes to spare (or even several hours), this is also a huge letdown. I am not a high-volume massage franchise, so I don't field tons of calls every minute and I cannot simply fill that slot on such short notice. This is why a 24-hour cancellation policy is STANDARD among practically every independent massage therapist. Anything less, and we can't fill the spot.
b (continued). Also, think of how you would feel if you were a prospective client who seriously pulled a muscle. You're in pain and you know a massage will go a long way toward fixing or at least alleviating the problem. You call your favorite therapist; he or she apologetically states that they have nothing available for that day. You're bummed. You really could've used the work. What if you found out that one of the people on her schedule that day just simply didn't show up, and wasted the time slot that could've been yours? You'd be pissed. The therapist, now missing income, would also feel totally bad for you, now knowing that had she known the dufus was going to go AWOL on her, she could've fit you in. But she had no way of knowing because the asshat didn't bother to make a simple phone call. Yes, flakes, when you decide to flake out and skip your appointment, and you forego the phone call because you want to "avoid confrontation" (or whatever other pathetic reason), you seriously impact multiple people. And no, the money isn't always as easy to make up as you think. Most therapists are low-volume, and only have 3-5 available slots on any given day - and before you start calculating hours, this doesn't mean they work part-time. They do plenty of work outside actual massage time. They're doing laundry, returning phone calls, updating their website or intake forms, doing promotions, replying to emails, making newsletters for their clients, doing more laundry, washing hot stones or other tools, cleaning their studios, restocking water, setting up or cleaning up, and a lot more.
c. Dear chatty clients - I have loved you all. But I have scheduled my day with your appointment in mind. This means that I have allotted a certain amount of time for you, which I enjoy every minute of, but when I schedule you from 1 to 2, this does not mean you can hang out and gab until 3 or 3.30. An hour is an hour. I have a life, too - other things to do, and I need to get on with it. My schedule is not wide open. Just because I work out of my house doesn't mean you don't have to leave.
d. Certain former massage therapy clients, after watching you come in twice a year for the past three years only when the pain has now permeated and interfered with every aspect of your life and you can't take it anymore, we've extolled the benefits of receiving regular massage therapy and how taking a bit more aggressive (read: frequent) treatment plan might help you stay on top of the pain better. And still, you continue to wait until you can no longer move, then you schedule an hour and then want us to "fix it" all in one session. I got news: won't happen. You live in your body 24 hours a day, inflicting the micro (or macro) trauma on it that you do. We only get to see you a couple hours a year. Top secret: we're not the ones with the house advantage in this situation.
d (continued). Also, same said clients, it's forgivable to call us after 6 months of AWOL status to ask for a same-day appointment (well, once or twice). Getting pissy with us because we don't have any more openings left or we can't fit you in in 1-2 hours from now is totally unproductive and irrational. Don't give us that northern hairball-caught-in-your-throat sound, either. You know the one. It's usually accompanied by a rolling of the eyes and the refusal to admit that it's not us who are in the wrong here. If it matters that much to you to get an appointment, call a few days in advance. And do not wait until the pain becomes unbearable, because then you get to live with it if we can't fit you in right away. Our time is on a first-come, first-serve basis.
e. (Background: I used to provide massage therapy at a place that had a small service menu of basic modalities. Some of the prices were different than others.) No, member of this place, you cannot schedule a cheaper relaxation-type massage and then once we'd gotten settled into the room safely away from the cashier at the front desk, pull me aside and tell me that what you really want is some deeper or more advanced work that naturally has a deeper and more advanced price tag. Only you were too cheap to spring the extra $10-20. Come on. The prices are dirt cheap to begin with - an extra $10-20 when you have a Lexus or a Beemer parked out front is SO not going to break the bank. Why do *I* care, you ask? Because I get paid extra to do advanced work, because I have skills other therapists don't, and thus can provide advanced services that other people can't. Oh, and acquiring that advanced knowledge wasn't free to me, either. The tuition for those extra classes adds up fast. I had to give up normal workdays to attend them, which means I lose the potential income for that day (because unlike many, we don't get any benefits or vacation pay at the vast majority of massage jobs), but on top of that I also had to SPEND money from my savings account to pay for the class. So yes, when you get advanced work, it's going to cost you extra. Bonus: when I am actually in the room around the corner, unseen but able to hear every part of the exchange with the receptionist where you're hemming and hawing, really wanting Deep Tissue but not wanting to pay the extra price and then signing up for the cheaper Swedish instead. I heard everything. You're not going to sucker me!
f. And no, member of same said establishment, I cannot go an extra 5-10 minutes on you to get "just one more area" or to get "my neck just a few more minutes". Another therapist needs the room after me. Or, I have another client right after you. It doesn't matter, actually - you paid for an hour massage, you get an hour massage. I do not go over on time--especially if you were late to begin with! You want more time? No problem. Schedule a longer massage. And then, show up on time. Problem solved.