pumping iron maiden

A few weeks ago, I stepped on the bathroom scale, and I think it cussed at me. What I saw horrified me. I mean, deep down I knew; I couldn't fit into any jeans except my baggier ones that I wore around "that time of the month" expressly to make myself more comfortable during those few days of water weight gain, and I couldn't ignore my morphing mirror reflection. Clothes didn't hang as right or look as cute on me. And I started to get that--ugh--cellulite look. But, as much as I wanted to believe I was just seeing things, my worse suspicions were confirmed during last week's regular routine physical in the chiropractic student clinic - I had gained 13 lbs in 2 months.

I never thought I'd have a concern about my weight. Historically, the only concern was that I didn't weigh enough. My how things change. My BMI is still within normal range, but it doesn't need to get much higher before it says I'm officially "overweight". I never thought I'd ever be in a situation like this.

I admit, I carry it well. The few people to whom I have confessed my weight say "nuh-uh. You do NOT weigh that much". I wish they were right, but alas. I have learned how to adapt my dress such that it diverts attention away from my growing middle and makes me look more shapely, but I can't deny that the side-seam of my underwear is coming apart and I know that can't be a good sign.

True to form as a nearly-graduated physician, I couldn't help but to scan the various differential diagnoses - reasons for such substantial gain. First off, NO, I am not pregnant! Trust me, I know. There is no possible way. Second, YES, I have been eating right. Not perfect, mind you, but plenty of fruits and vegetables, no wheat or refined grains, no sodas, and all meat and milk is organic except that which is in my ice cream, of which I have one bowl at the end of the night. I drink water and I go easy on the junk food - in fact, I don't eat any potato chips. I could probably use more omega-3s, but I do eat more than the average person. I'm also the least stressed out (at least, based on what I perceive) that I have been in over 3 years, so I'm not piling cortisol around my midsection. So, what gives? Nothing else has changed, except for an iron supplement I started taking to finally start correcting my long-ass-standing anemia.

So, I Googled it, and lo and behold, it seems as though others have the exact same mysterious problem. Expert after expert says that they haven't heard of any incidents or research to support such theories, but confused person after person, usually anemic females, claim it's happening to them, too. And their symptoms are eerily similar - slight upset stomach at times, but the worst is the unprecedented and unexpected weight gain. Always around the abdomen, butt, and thighs, and never flattering, it hangs around stubbornly like a bored supervisor who won't just go away.

So, when the scale cussed me out, I decided to holler back. I started working out. With a more lax class schedule, I have more freedom and more opportunity. I strategically schedule my patients around workout times and I hit the on-campus gym. My school workouts are usually about twice a week, and they last anywhere from 1-2 hours, and usually consists of a cardio-friendly workout on the treadmill or eliptical and a weight-lifting component, usually upper or lower body. In addition, when I get home, 6-7 days a week, I do a Power 90 DVD workout in the living room, alternating Sculpt (light muscle building and toning) and Cardio/Abs.

The cruel joke is that I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I may have gained a pound or 2. I'm hoping that it's because I'm replacing fat with muscle, which weighs more, and that the net gain is temporary as I start shedding adipose mass. I will say this: even though I haven't lost anything, I feel great. I won't stop taking the iron, because I know my body needs it. Every cell needs oxygen, and a shortage of iron in the body causes you to be low in the oxygen-carrying molecule, Hemoglobin. Without iron, cells don't get oxygen, and long-term, that sucks. I also won't give up on working out; although I wish I were shedding pounds, I do find that I feel a lot better, both physically and mentally. My body has been worked and I have the resulting feeling of accomplishment, like I did something with my day, for myself. That's the stuff real self-esteem is made of. Also, I feel more brain-balanced, because working out is a huge stress-buster. My problems sure as hell don't go away, but I can sure as hell handle them better and I have a healthier outlook. Yes, I still sit and stew about things at times, but it could very well be worse.

Maybe I'm seeing things, but despite the lack of cooperation from my scale since I began working out, I do feel a bit more toned. My muscles are rebuilding, and it seems as though my abs are ever so slightly smaller. Relatively encouraging, since I've been doing this only about a week and a half or so. I have to say, it's been a blast, and we'll see if my BMI is still high-normal in a few months. Until then, I'm grabbing my Ipod Shuffle, my Endura electrolyte water, and a towel, and I'm basking in the idea that the need for new workout clothes gave me another excuse to go to Kohl's. :)

Jack of all tirades

Hellloooooo, my infidels!

We decided to celebrate the anniversary of the birth of our nation by advancing our groundwork-laying for our eventual expatriation. This isn't intended to stir any pot or ruffle any feathers; my grandfather fought in the Battle of the Bulge, one of the most important battles of World War II, and our family is proud of its rebellious and patriotic history. Indeed, my ancestors were the chief developers of the repeating rifle, the weapon that helped the fledgling colonies win the revolution, achieving independence from Great Britain.

No, my displeasure and disgust arose from the fact that this country is not what it used to be any longer. We used to stand for certain values and focus on certain priorities, and it was that which made our nation--and its people--great. Unfortunately, this no longer applies. North American society has succumbed and denigrated to something I no longer want to recognize or admit to, and I can no longer stomach being any part of it. In part, some of this is happening in other parts of the world, but it seems as though we're the epicenter of it. We spearhead dangerous trends and policies and we follow those of the rest of the world like cattle.

I have decided that I am sick of most things contemporary American and I want to seek to find something better. I'm sick of the forced conversion to fluorescent light bulbs from my comfortable mercury-free incandescents. I'm sick of the huge concentration of electromagnetic radiation, the irritating compression of radio station signals, the tailgaters on the freeway, the house-flipping locusts moving from area to area all the while driving prices beyond the affordability of the locals, the passive income enthusiasts, the stockholders, the stakeholders, the American football domination, the obsession with Escalades and Excursions and Hummer H2's, the prescription drug advertising, and the constant living under the threat of a lawsuit from anyone at anytime for any reason. I don't want to live in a society who thinks it's actually OK to send a text message or carry on a cellphone conversation while supposedly in control of a 2-ton hunk of metal moving at 50 to 80 miles an hour, or zip without warning across four lanes of 70 mph traffic because their exit is *right there* and they couldn't be bothered to pay attention and plan ahead for that fact a quarter mile back. I don't want to live where it's common practice to pump the volume on the TV commercials, push drugs directly to consumers, get up and leave in the middle of class, or treat perfect strangers rudely or with contempt and without a shred of understanding or compassion, call holistic and alternative medicine providers quacks without having any clue what it is they actually do or know, or give the guy in a white coat God status because he holds the almighty authority to push potentially-addictive and almost always-harmful drugs onto children and their parents - drugs whose molecular structure is an atom away from something deadly and/or illegal. I don't want to live in a place where to "opt-out" of toxic drug treatments constitutes "neglect" and gives strangers the authority to remove a child from a competent and loving home.

Dead are the concepts of family, respect, and civility toward your fellow human being. Neighborhoods are dead, having slowly been replaced by dues-paying dictatorial enclaves where transients live beside each other as strangers and threaten each other into uniformity via the all-powerful homeowner's association, strutting their stuff with puffed out chests because they have money--or at least good credit. All logic, decency, common sense, manners, good citizenship, higher decision-making, and thinking beyond oneself have left the building. How sick does a society have to get before it takes perfectly good ideas like morals and values and turns them into targets of ridicule? Really, what is so wrong with simple, common-sense decency?

There is no more creativity. The work ethic is completely unbalanced (we either work ourselves to death 80 hours a week such that we barely know our families, or we don't want to work at all, preferring instead a "passive income" which then somehow allows us to forget the value of time and gives us license to waste other peoples'). Our priorities are inverted, our kids are neglected, and these are the same kids we're going to rely on and expect to take care of us when we're old and refuse to die, deceiving ourselves into thinking we can--and have the right to--live forever, and expecting others to change our diapers until the day we die.

I know what you're saying. The grass is always greener. Sure it is. Especially when where you are, you barely have any grass. Screw it, I'm out. It's done, stick a firework in it.