Black velvet (vs. orange plastic)

I had a pure spiritual moment today. This doesn't exactly surprise me, as it is Samhain after all, the velvety night when the veil between This and Other worlds is thinnest and the energy runs thick. Feeling the urge to sing in Spanish along with songs in my Latin American alt/rock collection, I thought "Madera" by Los Aterciopelados might be a logical choice.

I didn't realize how logical a choice it was. As I sang along about Gaia, the Universal Mother, and a general tribute to all things fertile and female, and for a few minutes, I connected. It was a three-way merge between my soul and its karmic lineage, the mysticism and energy of the holiday, and that particular song with its Mahadeva-esque concept and its Amazon-tribal percussive accents.

The energy and mysticism could be felt, and it could actually be traced back to last night, for it always begins the night before, doesn't it? We had watched Hocus Pocus (bleh), Icabod Crane and the Legend of Sleepy Hollow (with its Headless Horseman climax), and the Charlie Brown special about the Great Pumpkin.

Actually, the energy and mysticism have always been there, each and every Samhain. Its near-palpable pulse noticeably intensified as the hour grew later. I've always loved dressing up and I went trick-or-treating as a kid, always enjoying the gathering of candy. But it has always gone much deeper than that. I had always been bored with (and nearly irritated by) both typical "Halloween" extremes: the innocent good-natured (think orange plastic) childlike stuff that made light of--and ignored--the real significance on one hand, and the gory, violent slasher flicks or scenes of blood and guts on the other. Both missed the point, and the point was too cool a concept to miss.

The concept was a simple state of being and appreciation. It was an intense mystical haze, full of incense and cosmic power. It's a little eerie but fascinating. It's an ambient magnetism, with occult subjects, herbs, neat symbols, and spiritual renewal. It's an energy that shakes you to the core, enigmatic yet captivating, compelling you to stay up Way Past Midnight.

Not much has changed; the activities may have, but the electricity and its source remain the same. This year, the Samhain energy manifested in the form of my curiosity of Sleepy Hollow and its sister village Tarrytown as real places. My research did not disappoint me.

I reckon Samhain will always hold that fascination for me. Who knows, I may try to call on that magnetic energy at some point (I promise my intentions are pure). It is always a holiday I can feel coming, even if it's trying to sneak up on me.

57 channels and nothin' on

Actually, that's not true. Not these days, anyway. One who ventures beyond the wasted landscape of Survivor, soap operas, and sensationalist news that passes for broadcast TV but better resembles toxic sludge will find that there are better options. About 250 better options, if you go for the gusto and get the top tier package.

Forbidden TV shows in our house include:
Sports
News channels
Food shows (they make me tend to overeat)
Shopping (a la QVC)
Christian Televangelism

You: "But wait - that's no fun! Funsucker!"

Chillax. Believe it or not, there's plenty of pickin' left over.

Such as...

• "Cops" Marathons - and I don't even think they do so much of the "Cops 2.0" anymore. Which is a good thing, because "Cops 2.0" is little more than "Cops" with annoying moving banner ads and realtime (?) text chat logs occupying the bottom third of the screen.
• "Modern Marvels" - they used to have super-cool episodes involving rockets and the Dallas Hi-Five interchange, but now they're groping a little. I think they're running out of ideas.
• "Mystery Diagnosis" - it's like "House MD" (one of my favorite shows of all time, which is actually saying quite a bit) but without the drama component in the storyline. It's pure symptoms-testing-mystery-symptoms-testing-diagnosis, where the patients actually tell the story of their journey from start to finish. Very linear and concise-yet-detailed. I wish my patients could express themselves so well and give information as useful. Oh wait...gotta have patients first. If it makes me feel any better (and it kinda does), I've nailed 2 out of the 3 episodes, the third one being a rare genetic anomaly I'd never heard of.
• "1000 Ways To Die" - upon channel surfing, I stumbled across this in my satellite's Guide, and just had to watch, out of morbid curiosity. It turned out to be a pretty cool show. Turns out that at least most (if not all) of that stuff really happened (I'm calling bullshit on the one where two intimate ladies blew themselves up by making it on top of a washer and dryer, jiggling the gasline connections loose. I'm also kind of doubting the one where a doctor and nurse go at it in another room with a patient waiting under an x-ray machine aimed at his head for a skull x-ray, in which after their escapade they find the guy cooked from the radiation because their lovemaking surface consisted of the x-ray unit which kept getting activated--very rhythmically. The part that I doubt is that radiation would cook the guy that fast. I mean, even it took the Hiroshima victims much longer than that.) Other than that, good show that slowly grows on you a little further each time.
• "Ice Road Truckers" - only this time, they're in India. I guess the Alaska theme got played out, kinda like Mafia Wars until summer 2009. People can handle the same monotonous scenery just so long. After watching this new incarnation of "IRT", I now know where a big fraction of Dallas's crazy-ass irrational drivers come from.
• "Dr. G, Medical Examiner" - again, kinda like "House MD" and "Mystery Diagnosis", except that the patients are already dead (and are thus correctly referred to as "victims" instead). This show goes hand-in-glove with "1000 Ways To Die".
• "Campus PD" - although it'd be nice if they'd make more than 5 episodes - or at least not air them endlessly until they DO have more than 5 episodes. Five episodes hardly justifies a marathon. I do understand that colleges only have so much action, though, and that there are only so many party schools with only so much material to begin with.

I mean, it's good to have a little variety. I would've gotten into "X-Files" had I been just a little mroe cool, but its time has passed and they've been surpassed by shows like "Law & Order" (why, I'll never know - not that it's a bad show, but it doesn't hold a candle to the coolness of "X-Files") and replaced by shows like "CSI" (which doesn't quite live up to its potential to be cool).

And the 2012/Prophecy theme is SO 1998. It started with the Scallion future earth maps, post big-nuts earthquake. It morphed into the comet hysteria that surrounded us circa 1997-1998 when everyone and their dog was jumping on the publishing bandwagon of writing sensationalist books about semi-exaggerated theories. And then Y2K hit, God(dess) help us all. Frankly I was more worried about peoples' reaction to Y2K than I ever was about the phenomenon itself. And now? Everyone's convinced that 2012 is the Judgment Day of all Judgment Days and I hardly think that will happen. But everyone wants to rehash Nostradamus's mysterious cryptic quatraines yet again, so here we were (up until about this summer), stuck in a Groundhog Day of 2012 crockumentaries. Not that I don't think 2012 won't be significant--it will, BUT not for the reasons people think.

Wait a minute...I'm getting too deep. It's getting late and I'm supposed to be putting my brain into a numbing, hypnotic state.

Putting the "end" back in "unfriend"

I somehow feel compelled to drop what I'm doing at the office and vent.

A friend un-friended me on Facebook today. And this wasn't just a "Facebook friend" either, where the word "friend" can be applied a little more loosely; this was an actual personal friend. We even share other mutual friends.

My rant begins with the knowledge that being axed from this person's friend list was intentional. I mean, the "remove from friends" button is located near the bottom of the page and off to the side. It's not as if it occupies prime real estate, likely to be clicked by mistake. This person visited my profile, scrolled to the bottom, and gave me the boot.

It's certainly this person's right to decide who remains on--and who is booted from--their friend list. I'm not contesting that. What does bother me is that, since this person was, indeed, a personal friend, wouldn't it be semi-reasonable of me to expect that if this person had a problem with me, that they might bring it up with me first, rather than just passive-aggressively wuss out and disappear without saying anything? We've been friends for several years; am I not reasonable to expect this?

What has always struck me as interesting (I may have mentioned this before) is that I've noticed that those who remove me from their friends list have massive issues themselves. The irony is that they claim they don't. Yet, it's plainly visible that they're a little mentally "off" somehow. These could be unresolved issues from childhood (that they claim to have worked through), incompatible political views (which they claim not to have at all), incompatible religious views (which they claim to be open-minded and tolerant), or incompatible dietary views (cue the crabby malnourished irrational extremist vegans, fruitarians, breatharians, and exclusive raw foodists in 3...2...1... who can't stand the fact that I eat--or advocate eating--meat). Or, it could be nothing at all, and out-of-the-blue snip of the friendly ties. Cya...door....ass...

It's certainly not the first time I've been given the heave-ho, and frankly I shouldn't concern myself with something so trivial, but as much as I can sit here and say it doesn't matter, that my ego isn't bruised, the fact is that if I want to be really honest with myself, I feel a little slighted. Yes, my ego is a little bruised. I know that by feeling that way, I've let them win and all that, and what's more is, they probably haven't given it a second thought anyway, so why bother, but to say it doesn't matter would be to be less-than-truthful. Because like every other human on this planet, I was born with certain neurological hardwiring, the kind that seeks recognition, acceptance by my peers, and comaraderie. I seek bonds and friendship. And when someone cuts that off, it goes against that hardwiring, tripping a small part of my survival instinct.

I'd like to move on, putting it behind me, and focus on other things. After all, my now un-friend most likely doesn't feel any regrets. I don't know why this person decided to cut things off, and my best guesses are all I may ever have, but the truth is that I am true to myself and I have opinions that while not intended to offend, I'm also not afraid to voice, even if they're contrary to others or to the mainstream (or even to the accepted uber-cool "alternative"). I'm not going to stifle, hold back, mute, or blunt those opinions simply to pacify those who might otherwise be offended. It's not like I'm talking about animal sacrifices or other extremism. It's not like I'm vulgar or graphic. I may be a little unrefined at times, lacking in a few social graces, but I'm certainly not obnoxious or irrational. I'd like to think that my opinions make sense, but apparently they don't make sense to most other people, because I go clearly against the grains of the mainstream on so many levels. However, it's not like I'm preaching some pipe dream out of left (or right) field. I simply choose to express myself, and from what I can tell from comments to my posts or the circle of friends I keep, I've got decent company.

When there are so many movements, initiatives, and agendas FAR more extreme and damaging to society than mine, I hardly feel obligated to sacrifice the expression of my thoughts in favor of keeping the peace or going with the flow. I'm not going to stop being who I am or communicating it to others just to cater to someone else's hypersensitivity. After all, I have friends from practically every ethnic group, multiple nations, multiple cultures, multiple languages, all age groups, and the full political spectrum, and I've posted a few polarizing viewpoints in my day, without suffering the wrath of unfriendship from the vast, vast majority of them. Practically all of them have shown enough maturity to stick with me and respect my viewpoints, even if they don't agree. They certainly don't let something as trivial as politics, religion, diet, mindset, opinions on individual subjects, or anything else destroy an entire friendship. And, I sort of pity those who do.

Silver lining

Suddenly tonight, I started sneezing my ass off (again - hopefully the Benadryl and its sleep-inducing brain fog will kick in). I'm starting to trace these allergy attacks back to 2 things: wind and chemtrail spraying. (For those of you who don't "believe in" the latter, get a clue. I know the people who usually write about it on the internet are a little "off", but that doesn't change the fact that it's real and that something ain't right.)

So before I do lose my head (either to the inflammation or the Benadryl), I thought I'd babble about something. I decided I'd try and recognize the good when I saw it. Like this weekend's Functional Medicine class - finally, for once, it's in our town. And finally, it doesn't take more than 15 minutes to get there...on side streets, no less.

Or like the fact that enough people are getting pissed at BO. To the point where the individual states are filing suits or protests or whatever saying they're not going to go along with whatever dream the white house is pulling out of their anal orifice. It's good to know that there are various grassroots movements designed (hopefully) to realign our country with the ideas and spirit that made us great. Recent examples include the Tea Party, Take America Back, Borders-Language-Culture, and Libertarian party growth. It's a sign of health that there are more party-unaffiliated independents to have to appeal to and win over, versus card-carrying party members voting straight party tickets without thinking twice or investigating the character and qualifications of their chosen candidates.

Or the fact that the parents are on the way home - they'll be in Oklahoma by tomorrow, Texas by sometime on Monday. Besides a week around Thanksgiving to mourn a neighbor's violent death and help the surviving widow pick up the pieces, and a 2-week stay for our graduation a few weeks later and Christmas a couple weeks after that, it has been more than a year and a half since they've actually been home. With doctors' visits, Residency card expiration, bureaucratic red tape, and physical inability (or less ability) to travel, there hasn't been much room for opportunity up until now. Hopefully now we can all make up for some lost time.

Last but not least? The Benadryl is kicking in, slowly but surely, which means that sleep is close at hand and I have a prayer of being able to breathe tonight.

Age ain't nothin' but a number

I'm 33. And I'm OK with that.

I have never understood why once women hit a certain age, they suddenly start acting weird. Age becomes a taboo subject and they start trying desperately to color their gray hair, chop it off and crop it short, and suddenly they use a ton of anti-wrinkle cream and start lying or being coy or vague about their age.

To which I say WTF? In most cultures, age is wisdom earned through experience, something to be respected. In our society? Our aging population regards themselves with the self-esteem of someone who thinks they practically ought to be taken out to some pasture and shot. At the very least, they subtract a few years from their age. It's like cooking the books; they have a public age and then their real age, guarded as closely as a megacorporation's trade secret.

I never understood this, or the hideous hair-chopping habit. Seriously, chopping your hair easily adds 10 years, and if revealing your true age is something you're trying desperately to avoid, then the effort seems very counter-productive. There's simply no logic in hacking your hair off and then lamenting about looking older. It's like stuffing your face full of candy for years and then complaining about getting fat.

So anyway, back to me. Well, let's face it: I'm the only woman I know actually walking the walk, ya know? I'm 33 and I feel 16. I keep my hair long. I eat well. I want to go outside and play (finding others to play with at this age is tough, though - everybody is busy with kids). I imagine not having kids has something to do with remaining young at heart; if you've never had to set an example for someone else, well, you can stay young at heart.

It's not that I'm not grown up; I exercise a decent level of maturity and cerebral cortical development - taking turns, considering others, good sportsmanship, decent spelling and grammar, and basic functionality within society. I pick up on non-verbal cues and I understand societal norms. My manners are up to par. I also hold degrees and my own business, having been self-employed for the past several years already.

It's just that I don't equate maturity and graceful aging with automatically getting OLD and succumbing to the societal customs that accelerate this process just because that's what everyone else is doing. I won't stop playing Nintendo just because no one else my age does, and if I have to wait until all my friends' kids are of appropriate age to play Capture the Flag in the dark, then I will. I like to stay up all night and burp really loud sometimes. It doesn't mean I can't deliver top-notch care for my patients during the day, it just means that sometimes I'm still a kid inside outside of the office and I'm cool with that.

I refused to let my life and youth fade and disappear just because I turned 30. So many women do that and I call bullshit. I turned 30 by walking through a Labor Day-crowded mall, belting out songs from Disney's "Aladdin" and "Dumbo" while sipping on a euphoric chocolate shake. I made it a point to make my 30s a rockin' decade to remember--something FUN: being an adult is optional.

And my efforts have paid off. My 30s have indeed been awesome. Because I said so. I told myself I would never be elusive about my age, nor would I succumb to societal pressures surrounding my age group. And so far, my aging process has been graceful and drama-free. So there you have it: one path to the fountain of youth.

"Arabian Nights...." *Belch*

It's that easy.

Working on it

So anyway, I'm at the office. Just me, alone with the Halloween decorations. Yep, blogging on the clock. See, my husband is at an all-day conference, and everybody knows I only get a respectable amount of work done when he's around.

Oh, there's plenty to do. Even aside from battling monsters on Facebook's Castle Age game (primarily a night-time activity as I slowly pass out on the couch in front of yummy trash TV like Cops or Ghost Hunters) and checking email (which I reckon could pass for an office-related activity). It'd be fun to throw wet marshmallows at certain makes of cars, such as Infiniti or Lexus, but that might get me in trouble.

I have Projects, such as the creation of a binder and all that goes in it (any information beyond that is considered a trade secret, so if I blabbed I'd have to kill you), handouts for patients, subjects to study, books to read, protocols to devise. And then there's the website. Ahh, yes, that team effort, the joint endeavor in which we stray from our usual pattern of identical thought just often enough to make things interesting. It's huge. Really, huge. I sure hope our efforts pay off in Google goodness, translating of course to new patients.

The office just doesn't have the same energy without my husband around. He adds an oddly professional quirkiness and sense of company. He's a little miffed that the administrators of the conference started announcing the option of attending only a half-day; he had been under the impression that it was all-or-nothing when he signed up. He didn't really WANT to go, but he figured as a new guy on the block in this particular group it might be good to show up and put in some face time, do a little networking, and get indocrinated into all the rah-rah business-building concepts they put new people through. I told him to make the best of it. It sounded profound, but apparently that was already part of the plan. *Shrug*

Speaking of business-building, the phone, you know, could ring....anytime....hint.

That's OK, though - even if it doesn't, I still have Projects to work on. That way I can at least say I did something.

Out of touch

We don't get out much.

This means that after 8 months of living here, we still have no idea what the local TV or radio stations are. I'm only slightly more familiar with local radio stations, but that's out of necessity. Actually the radio stations here aren't half bad. There's a glaring lack of alternative radio, but there's more than enough Tejano to make up for it...which is slowly growing on me.

This also means that we have like 2 other couples for friends - of course, it's quality over quantity, but you'd think we'd have a few more by now.

This means that we know exactly 5 area restaurants. We know where 1 Walmart is. We have no idea which stores have perpetuated Christmas Creep so far this year.

Not that I'm missing anything, but I don't know what 2011 cars look like, despite the fact that they've been out for 3 months. And? I don't think I want to know, either.

Oh, and I still have Windows XP. Don't have any current plans to upgrade, either.

Two weeks ago, we went to the movie theater for the first time in 3 years. It's been ages since we rented any movies (I think the last time we rented anything was from a Video Update). I have no idea what's playing now. I have no idea who won Oscars last year. I have no idea when MTV stopped playing music videos altogether. I think I bought my last music CD from Half.com in 2003.

No, I'm happily content keeping up with only the basics: study findings on Functional Medicine-related topics, advances in the rising percentage of cacao in dark chocolate, which flowers are blooming around San Antonio this week, Cops marathons, and Vitamin Water flavors.

I might have found a new (current!) TV show ("Doctors"); I'll keep you posted...

Do you have to let it malinger?

One of our professors in chiropractic med school made it his life's mission (and a noble one at that) to make sure we knew how to spot a malingerer. A malingerer is someone who called in sick to work...again. With another migraine. Except that she's not locked in the dark room she claims to be. Unbeknownst to her employer, she's got the blinds open and the music on (light and sound are two things of which genuine migraine sufferers are temporarily phobic).

Apparently, malingerers like to visit doctors (of all types). They want attention and sympathy from anyone and everyone. They try to score drugs from the MD. They want the DC to document just how much pain they're in so they can stay on disability or win that personal injury or worker's comp settlement. There are certainly legitimate cases for all of these things, and there are certainly legitimate people who genuinely need them. That's not who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the ones who are faking it. Or otherwise totally milking it.

Knock on wood; I've never received a visit from any of these little gems. It may be that my price tag is way past the price point of rescue, and they're likely to see little--if any--compensation or reimbursement.

I almost did. Someone we know and love told us about someone who just had to come in and see us. They said this person had been in to see every other doctor, but to no avail. (That doesn't intimidate me; it does, however, raise a yellow or orange flag that the person may bounce right on through, ending up dropping out of our care too. After all, that IS the track record in cases like these.) The friend even brought the person in our office to make a formal introduction. Nice person; I think we could've done them some good. They were all excited to have finally found us. To which, trying to be a realist without crossing the line into pessimism, I think to myself, we'll see.

Sure enough, that person didn't show up. Couldn't get out of bed, they said. Another migraine. We caved and said, no problem, and scheduled them another appointment. Another no-show.

I've had my share of beloved people I know tell me, "I've got to get so-and-so in to see you." They go on and on about how this person is AJU (all jacked up) and on a quadrillion different meds. There are lots of people like that out there, and many of them do genuinely want and need our help; again, those aren't the people I'm talking about. It's not even the "they've been to 15 different doctors" bit that gets me.

In fact, I don't really know at what point I pick up on the fact that there is another force at work here during the conversation. I mean, it's not like I've seen the people in question before. I've seen people just like them before, though, and a sixth sense kicks in, and the realization hits me: "oohhhhhh. One of THOSE."

At some point during the conversation, I can tell that the condition (be it migraines, other pain, or other diseases) has become that person. As miserable as that person may be with their condition, the harsh truth is that they receive more benefit than they sacrifice. The benefits could be tangible (prescriptions, disability checks, lawsuit settlements, paid sick time), or they could be intangible (attention or sympathy from others, or a certain amount of control or manipulation of those around them). Or maybe it has become a lifestyle, such as the case with weekly or monthly support group meetings to attend or associations to join. Maybe it's the "special" feeling of getting labeled, especially if the condition elicits concern from others, like being in an elite society. That person has become married to their problem.

Therein lies a problem even bigger than the condition itself. It's one thing to accept the hand being dealt you. It's OK to look at the bright side and see the silver lining. It's quite another to embrace it and make it a part of you. I know there's merit to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy, but that shouldn't apply to a physical illness. It's OK to be someone with Lupus--but things get murky when you align yourself with the "Lupus Sufferers". It's not that you're not suffering, it's that you start to subconsciously believe that the suffering can bring you benefits.

I feel for the lonely housewives whose husbands avoid the family by working all the time--those are the types that try to use symptoms, real or conjured, to get attention. I also feel for those who think their lives are better off if they impair their brains, drifting into a fog--those are the types that fake or exaggerate a symptom to score narcotics. And I feel for people whose lives and career paths are so empty and devoid of pleasure that they'd rather spend the day sedentary at home than putting in a productive workday. I refuse to feel sorry for them in the way they would want me to, however. My sorrow is coming from a completely different angle.

If the person's complaints are flat out fake or they're exaggerating, then they're simply a loser, and they're going to get busted sooner or later. Karma's a bitch like that. But the other type is far more vexing to me--the category of people who ARE genuinely suffering but refuse to get help or to follow through with any information that could help them, because miserable as they may be, they'd rather hang on to their suffering than give up whatever benefit(s) their suffering brings them.

I'll never know if our no-show was truly miserable; they never came in to give us the chance to find out. Those who knew this person said they were on disability. Maybe they were genuine. If they were, then I feel for them that they would put themselves through this much just to elicit sympathy from those around them and collect a measly government check for doing squat. Such a meaningless life. No pursuit of knowledge, information, evolution, or self-improvement. No attempt to advance intellectually, socioeconomically, or anything else. No real interaction with friends or strangers. Same TV, same four walls, same as the day, month, and year before. Yuck. All for what--people to gush over you to your face and then whisper behind your back? These people have got to know that their friends and family are sick of hearing about their issues by now. They're thinking, FFS, go get help or quit complaining already!

I personally know people who are always complaining about something; much of it was brought on themselves. Some of it could have even been avoided had they taken my advice years ago. More of it could be avoided by taking my advice now, but they make poor choices, day after day. They choose to sit around, eat wrong, and gain weight, which leads to body pains and lack of energy. They choose to pop pills or visit a second-rate doc in their insurance network instead of trying a good natural protocol that works or paying out of pocket for a good practitioner. They seem to do everything backwards, opposite of what I tell them. And they pay for their mistakes. It's not that I have a huge ego; it's just that I study this stuff and I know what I'm talking about. I've done the work for them; all they have to do is listen, take it to heart, and follow through.

But alas...

Now, when I hear people voice their own similar frustrations about those types of people in their own lives, I simply say, "have them call me". Of course they never do--I know they won't. I sympathize with my friends when they sigh after a long rant about some family member they're trying to coerce into seeking alternative or complementary help. I know they're in the same boat that I am with people I know who haven't yet let me help them.

So when I either encounter or hear of people like that, I'll say a quick, "bless your/their heart" but I refuse to give in to any force they try to exert on the people around them. It's probably frustrating when I remain objective and logical. I separate the genuine people from the malingerers of various types by simply taking a goal-oriented, results-driven approach. With me, the conversation is not going to get stuck on the "poor me" spiel, it's going to get steered toward, "well, we take care of that kind of thing; when would you like to come in?"

The case against Naturopathy (in non-licensed states)

Before I launch into this, I need to make a few things clear.

First, I'm not one of the lunatics that runs Quackwatch, coming out against everything non-pharmaceutical, claiming anything but drugs or surgery to be a scam (if anything, drugs and surgery are also a scam of sorts in their own ways; they do not have the solid research backing everyone thinks they have, nor are they as safe or successful as the establishment claims they are).

So anyway...second, I'm not a narrow-minded person. Without revealing too much, you already know I'm a chiropractor in Texas. My mind is as open as the next New Ager; I believe in auras, Indian chakras, healing with crystals, ESP, extraterrestrial contact, energy fields, polarity therapy, aromatherapy, and about everything else that's remotely possible.

Third, I'm not simply dashing a segment of my competition by which I feel "threatened", because I'm not and I don't. Why? Naturopaths are not exactly my competition in the first place. I think they try to be, but they lack the legal scope.

And last, this editorial is in NO WAY directed at the licensed Naturopathic Doctors (NDs) in states that recognize and license them. They are licensed physicians in their states and their licensing grants them certain rights and responsibilities in regards to acting as a type of physician.

Every healthcare practitioner who is not an MD (or a DO) is bound by annoying invisible handcuffs known as "scope of practice". It serves as a constant reminder that we are somehow second-class citizens, beneath an MD/DO, and that we're permitted to exist only because they haven't seen the need to quash us yet. This goes for nutritionists, chiropractors, dentists, massage therapists, physical therapists, nurse practitioners, physician's assistants, pharmacists, acupuncturists, the list goes on.

Naturopaths in Texas don't have a scope of practice, per se, because they're not regulated or licensed in any way in Texas. Texas doesn't recognize them as physicians, so they obviously can't diagnose or treat any conditions, nor can they order any kind of diagnostic laboratory testing such as blood tests. This really kind of reduces them to consultant status, at best. What can they really do, anyway? They can meet with a client (not "patient"), have them fill out questionnaires, listen to their problems, and suggest they might try this or that supplement. Some medical-grade supplement companies will allow the ND to distribute their products; others won't, insisting that the practitioner hold some kind of license.

Since they can't order testing, this forces Naturopaths to resort to methods of testing that aren't diagnostic. This includes methods of "testing" in which "the jury is out", says a colleague, such as attempting to analyze the irises of the eye to obtain clues about what might be going on in the rest of the body, or having the client hold a vial of a substance while holding their arm out straight, resisting against the Naturopath's push. Apparently, if the client's arm goes weak, the substance is reactive.

This is all well and good, and in fact, several of my colleagues, licensed chiropractors, practice this way. It's efficient, and their specific training in this technique makes it more meaningful. I don't have any doubt that "muscle-testing", as it is known, works. The operative concept here is, what kind of training did the practitioner have? Three things my muscle-testing expert colleagues insist upon is, 1) it takes a while to get good, 2) you have to be really careful not to let your own preconceived notions (conscious or not) influence your findings, and 3) you really should have quantifiable blood or saliva tests to back up your findings.

They also say, that non-diagnostic testing is not a substitute for diagnostic testing; muscle-testing tells next to nothing about someone's blood or saliva chemistry, which is the real determining factor of their physiology. Muscle-testing is efficient (although non-specific) for reactions to certain substances. Meaning, just because your arm went weak when you touched your liver doesn't tell us anything about your actual ALT. Touching your thyroid doesn't test for TSH, T4, T3, or thyroid autoantibodies, you know?

Same thing with iris examination, known as Iridology. It's not that there's nothing to it, but it doesn't tell us much. A dentist who was also a naturopath (from some online college I'd never heard of, which is another problem we'll address later) looked in my iris and told me I had a colon issue. He probed my clothed abdomen and claimed I had polyps. Naturally I was a little concerned because polyps do indeed run in my family, and my grandmother had colon cancer. Problem is, this kind of examination does NOT equal a scope. My colon may not have been 100% rosy, but come on--I was 26 at the time; no need to freak me out until further testing was done.

I have no problem with Naturopaths acting as consultants. What I do have a problem with is when they try to take the place of licensed doctors (medical doctors, chiropractors, or osteopaths), not doing anything to dispel the client's misconception that they are a substitute for licenseholders. I also take issue with any time they try to identify a problem using non-diagnostic testing, downplaying the fact that they cannot order quantifiable industry-standard testing, and I get concerned when they "find" something and neglect to refer the client to someone who can order real testing.

A patient I'd started to work with but hadn't seen in a while came into my office one afternoon, claiming she'd been to a Naturopath, and started unloading a shopping bag of supplements, bottle after bottle, onto the counter. They were from a company I'd never heard of (and I'm familiar with all of the major high-end medical-grade supplements, as well as the store brands) and had non-descript names such as "Adrenal Support" and "Thyroid Formula".

Me: "So how'd your adrenals test? Too high or too low?"

Patient: "Oh I don't know. She [the Naturopath] didn't get into that. She just said they were 'off'."

Well, lemme tell you something about adrenal glands. They put out cortisol that hormone we know as the "stress hormone". They can function too high and put out too much cortisol, or they can function too low and put out too little. Each scenario carries with it its own set of issues and must be dealt with in markedly different ways. You have to know which scenario applies; you don't want to apply the wrong remedy! Well, since Naturopaths can't test adrenal gland function, they never know what's going on. This is the same patient to whom I had recently suggested the bonafide accepted adrenal test and she had declined. Ha. Hope for her sake the Naturopath guessed correctly.

It was both a plus and a minus that she had come to me to seek my opinion on all this. It was good that she regarded me highly enough that she valued my opinion, at least enough to come into the office to ask me (not that she did much with my gentle-but-honest viewpoint after that; maybe because I softly asked a few hard questions, ones she may not have wanted to contemplate, but hey, my conscience is clear and that's how I sleep at night).

The part of her appearance at my office that was a headache was that she had already been to this practitioner and had already plunked down $75 on supplements solely on the Naturopath's word that she "needed" them without having anything to back up the claim. My patient didn't know exactly why she was being given these. I have my own theories and they have more to do with financial accounting than biochemistry. So, the decision had been made. And now my patient was in my office, unannounced, attempting to ask my educated opinion without compensating me for my own time. I enjoy and cherish each patient, but I tend to shy away from working with those who are not serious enough to schedule ahead of time. A quick question is one thing, but this lady lingered at my desk for at least a half an hour. I wanted to ask her why she sought my opinion; it was clear that nothing I said was going to make a difference, as her mind was already made up. So why waste her time and mine?

The scariest part about Naturopathy in unlicensed states (such as this one) is that ANYONE can call themselves a Naturopath, whether they went to school or not. They could've done the right thing and gone to a bonafide, legit, regionally-accredited school and obtained a real degree and license in the state they went to school in. Or, they might've taken all of their courses online from a decent internet-based school (not accredited, no license at all, but at least semi-sound information). Or, they might've taken courses online from a shadier diploma-mill-type "school" (same scenario, scantier information). Or perhaps, they simply woke up one day and said, "I'm going to read some books and make me a business card that says 'John Doe, ND'." And believe it or not, Door Number 4 is perfectly legal. Yes, you can hang a shingle in most unlicensed states and call yourself an ND tomorrow. With NO training.

If you do decide to see someone who calls him/herself an ND in an unlicensed state, there are ways to avoid getting screwed; it can be done.

1) Question them extensively about where they went to school. Write down the name of the school. Look it up online. Make sure it's a brick-and-mortar school in a state that licenses NDs.

2) If they claim to be state-licensed, don't believe them, because there is no such thing. Hopefully they'll add the caveat that they're *Washington*-state (or New Mexico or Arizona or some other legitimately licensed state) licensed. Sometimes this takes a little digging, because they don't want to admit upfront that they're not TEXAS-state licensed.

3) See a Texas-state licensed doctor (preferably DC or DO, as most MDs aren't necessarily very open-minded and can carry a too-healthy dose of ego with them) who will order the laboratory testing necessary to confirm or further investigate the NDs non-specific test findings.

4) Don't let the Naturopath diagnose your condition or claim to treat it--because they can't.

5) make sure they're not JUST trying to sell you supplements. Most complementary and alternative medicine (CAM) practitioners utilize supplements as a method of helping your problem, but they should be able to tell you without a doubt WHY you need that particular supplement, and they should be able to point to genuine, peer-reviewed research that shows the ingredients in their supplements are effective for your ailment. It should also go without saying that your supplements should have unmistakable, legitimate standard Nutrition Data and full ingredient labels on them! Don't EVER accept a bottle with incomplete, non-standard labeling!

Don't be fooled - by the MD OR the ND. :)