Sanity Claus

Hi honey, I'm home! Well, as homey as Dallas can be, anyway. It was a spectacular holiday, if for no other reason than it's the holiday that in all possibility should never have happened. A split second here, a seat belt there, but who's counting? The fact is, we all gathered in south-central Texas for another pleasantly small, low-key event (I even endured a full run of "A Christmas Story", which is like the "Better Off Dead" of the 1950s). I'd say it was quiet and peaceful, but Fox News and Peace are mutually exclusive and guess which won? I'm betting the farm: Fox is the new crack. People get very edgy, even downright hostile, when you try to divert their attention away from their addictions. I'm fairly certain that I'd go for the jugular myself, if anyone came between me and my Whole Foods organic chocolate truffles, but conveniently, this isn't about me. Now, my mother has the legit-est of excuses; I mean, how healthy would you be if you had tissue still inside you that had been dead since May? Such is the lovely socialist medicine (make no mistake: no matter what they tell you, "public option" is essentially the same thing). I digress. My father, on the other hand, flirts with a combination of dry drunkenness (sober 25 years but I think he holds us responsible for Mom's highly-justified us-or-it ultimatum), early dementia, and borderline mental illness. I mean, having bare cement floors in your house and those god-awful greenish fluorescent light bulbs to read by would f*ck with anyone's psyche, but to want to paint your ceilings (in your house, mind you) black in an effort to emulate the decor of Willie Nelson's Texas Roadhouse?? (No shit.) Come on. "Ambiance" is not the correct term here, padre.

Don't get me wrong; I love my parents, even--sometimes begrudgingly--my father. As much as we are locked into various levels of on-again, off-again estrangement, we still share our share of good times and plenty of laughs--even when the sense of humor is not exactly up my alley. As screwed up as parts of my childhood were, and as often as I can still be found licking the wounds therefrom, and as deeply as some of the aftereffects have penetrated and unfortunately shaped who I am, I still can't exactly hold a strong grudge. He did his best, after all. It's just that there is a sort of relief that can be felt upon entering your own (carpeted) house (with white ceilings) (and being able to take your shoes off) and watching (not Fox News) Family Guy's new full-length spoofs of Star Wars Episodes IV and V (backlit by normal, everyday incandescent lighting).

Which brings me to another thought or ten: we're about to move into that same house, long term; is this a good idea? Does it bode well for the mental health of all involved? Obviously, for whatever reason, I single-handedly have this knack for setting my father off and driving him crazy. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I serve this special function in his life, but I do. I've spent a bit too much time trying to devise coping strategies to minimize direct contact (I mean, we will essentially be using the place as a crash pad to recoup from all the long hours spent 75 miles away, right? And there is, after all, that attic upstairs, complete with its own bathroom and temperature control. And maybe if we move this furniture in and that furniture over here...) I oscillate back and forth between feeling like I'm being a spoiled little ingrate and the realization that hey--I have been living on my own (and on my own terms) for the last 14 years and I've basically become a completely different person since I last shared a roof with my 'rents. I'm 32 now, not 18, and I also come with a whole package of complicated accessories: a husband, 2 habitual cats anchored to their daily routine, a politically independent paradigm, special dietary needs, my own truck, a big couch, tons of other furniture, an entire book library, you get the picture. I hardly have the heart nor the energy--nor is it even my place--to enter into a pissing contest with the incorrigible, especially when my existence there is graciously governed by said incorrigible as nothing but a favor to me. As adult as we are, I'm not exactly sure we could suck it up and lease a living space of our own at this point in time. One more (semi-staggering) bill isn't all that appetizing to me. Then again, neither are the inevitable debates-turned-arguments that invariably mushroom cloud between Dad and me after any more than 3 whole days together (which is often a liberal estimate). Because thus far, I've gotten by, by biting my tongue and holding everything back, even when I'm right, a strategy that only works for so long. Eventually my desire to set the record straight is going to win out over any sense of diplomacy I ever might have possessed. With any luck, we'll have an escape route in place by the time that happens, because much like abstinence being the only fool-proof birth control, the only surefire long-term crisis-intervention strategy is to maintain a healthy geographical distance. Until that possibility becomes reality, however, I'll just have to suck it up, be grateful like I should be, and hope that someday soon, there is a 12-step Fox News recovery program. I'm not holding my breath just yet...

Don't look back in anger: Stories from the Upper Echelon

When you go to the tally office for your final clinic checkout, they'll verify your clinic numbers and send you to a little-known office next door. This, my friends, is actually typically the most time-consuming part of checkout. The reason? Because beforehand, they give you surveys to fill out. These don't take much time, but they have comments sections. They're supposed to remain anonymous--they even go so far as to tell you not to sign your name anywhere--but those comments are used as the outline for the Exit Interview [insert Dr. Eckhardt's voice booming "emmmbrrryyyooo" into his lecture mike]. We heard stories of some people being tied up in there for as long as 3 hours, but if there was space for comments I filled it, and my interview didn't even take an hour. That interview got me thinking back....way back...

Undergrad: Ah, yes, undergrad. The year 2006 was the last year in Parker's existence that anything at that school would make sense. After that, the school would not make a single good decision, but we'll save that for later. Undergrad rocked. I learned more about chemistry in the first day of Mr. Fick's Organic Chemistry (O-Chem) class than I had in the previous 2 semesters of Gen(eral) Chem(istry). Dr. Perryman prepared us for no less than 8 future classes (we counted).

Tri 1: The first trimester seemed to take the entire first year. Dr. G said they were going to put us under some stress, and he wasn't lying. I alternated between constipation and excessively soft stools for the first month. My body scent changed. I became sleep deprived. I stressed out and subsequently turned inward. I tried to write everything down. I tried to hang on every word. I tried to memorize every detail. I literally drove myself nuts doing this. Between the stress and an undiscovered gluten problem, I didn't feel like I learned much new info at all. It didn't help that a still-busy massage practice encroached on my study time, and it often won. So much for getting off to a good start. I did learn, during this tri, how to say no. I was still trying to adjust to all the new school demands, and my friends and family weren't used to this yet; in fact, they didn't really know what we were going through, so they didn't know exactly how much stress we were under, and people made innocent requests that I simply couldn't fill. My plate was full--too full--and I learned how to push things back off when I felt overwhelmed. I learned how to set boundaries and say no and not feel bad about it. A piece of advice: palpate EVERYONE! You'll be glad you got that practice later. Oh, and you'll probably have an Ipod (or something similar) by the end of the tri. Ditto with a newer model cellphone.

Tri 2: This trimester was all about TESTS. Sure, we had plenty of tests in Tri 1, but we had more in Tri 2, more than practically any other tri. They weren't nice tests, either--Gross Anatomy, Biochem, Biomechanics, Microbiology, etc. Braham made the tri bearable. Cadaver dissection was AWESOME. There was an art to it. I learned something, and I surprised myself: that I CAN dissect a cadaver, without fainting, and that it's a blast. The characteristic smell of a cadaver lab has faded from memory, but I'm sure it'd come snapping back should I ever step foot in one again. I also learned that it's good to cover up from head to toe, including a hat for the hair and disposable booties for your shoes. I won't say much more but let's just say that Gross Anatomy got its name for a reason. Main learning opportunity for Tri 2: how to cram for finals efficiently. You see, this trimester's final exams were about 80-90% old test questions verbatim, and they let you keep your old exams to study to boot. So studying for finals was actually kind of a no-brainer. Oh, and keep palpating!

Tri 3: Finally, you get to adjust! Or so you'd think. A lot of the classes are a continuation of subject area exploration begun in Tri 2. You have Physio 2, Public Health (which is basically a continuation of Microbiology), Gross Anatomy 2, complete with a continuation of the cadaver lab, etc. You have some blasts from the past like Philosophy 2 as well. Newcomers on the scene are Neuroscience and an actual adjusting class. Don't, by any means, think that just because you pass Diversified you'll be a competent adjuster. You're not actually trying to adjust. Yes, that is going to freak you out, as you imagine yourself 8 years down the road, after having had all this training, and you still don't know how to adjust. Well, that has happened; unfortunately, that's not an unrealistic scenario. Parker does indeed have a reputation (not only among its own graduates but also among field docs who graduated from other schools) for graduating students that don't have a clue how to adjust. So, carefully, start honing your skills on other students. You didn't hear it from me; I'll deny I said it. Main knowledge gained in Tri 3? This was the tri in which I learned how to take serious, efficient, effective POWERNAPS between classes. Despite the bright fluorescent light overhead and people talking and milling about all around me (sometimes even trying to get my attention) I learned how to make a pillow out of my afghan, put my head down, and will myself (successfully) to go away for 10 minutes.

Tri 4: Hope you enjoyed Tri 3, because it was kind of a break. Finally, they're nice to you, figuring you made it through Tri 1 and 2 and now you're now "in". Top secret: the other reason they go easy on you in Tri 3 seems to be because they're apologizing in advance for the buttkicking you're about to receive this trimester. Yes! Let's take Tri 1's volume of material, plus Tri 2's testing battery, and there you have it: Tri 4. Let's take the most important--and also time-consuming--classes and put them together in the same tri (despite the fact that we have several other trimesters to choose from). Tri 4 is not a cakewalk, not that any part of chiropractic school is. It's your first hands-on adjusting lab, and you do it in the clinic, with staff doctors, which is cool. You learn a few more things, too. Now, don't get your adjusting hopes up yet, though; you get to adjust 8-10 whole times during the entire trimester, which does not a manual medicine expert make. But keep practicing. Call it "deep palpation", wink-wink, nudge-nudge. What did I learn this tri? Near the end of the tri, I was slowly starting to realize that I could no longer ignore the evidence that the school is pretty much just money-hungry, with questionable (at best) intentions and priorities. Up until this point, I had been a benefit-of-the-doubt kind of person.

Tri 5: Ahh yes. For me, this was a party tri. Not that I partied all the time (I didn't). Hell, not that I even went to the official Tri 5 party (I didn't). But I loved the classes and (most of) the profs. Some people hated this tri. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's the halfway point--we'd already been there so long and we were so beat up and burned out already and yet as far as we had come, we had just as much more to go, and there just didn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, we were wondering if the tunnel was even going to end. But no, I enjoyed it. I loved having Perryman and Dr. G again. I loved Brown's Wellness class and--call me crazy--Guest's Lab Dx class. I loved Pearson and I think we had Strader again for something. I also LOVED Thompson (finally, I could move bones with confidence!). The drawback was that I had to adjust Gonstead (and only Gonstead) in the adjusting lab, but what the hell. Neither my lab partner nor myself liked it, so we did as best we could and got signed off anyway. Hall (not Marty) is also a cockbite--you've been warned. Lesson learned this tri? Find outside seminars! They'll preserve your sanity, your motivation, and offer some important clinical application you just plain don't get at school.

Tri 6: If you did not have an emotional breakdown at least twice a week, you simply were not registering vital signs in Tri 6. This tri was a complete downer, which could usually be traced back to a combination of Bodnar's Business class (i.e. crappy insurance and Medicare guidelines that reduce us to glorified PTs without the good PR or MD lapdog status--and thus healthy referrals) and Student Clinic (paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, all of which reinforces Bodnar's depressing class material). Suddenly, the dreams of helping ADD, autism, pregnancy, ear infections, and everything else, get dashed and (temporarily, hopefully) replaced by treatment plans that are "transparent and defendable", meaning that you pretty much treat only back pain, neck pain, and headaches. They strip you and tie both hands behind your back by conveniently omitting the "neuro" part of neuromusculoskeletal and leaving you to compete with the PTs for that sliver of patients. Activator class is cool but boring. You now have some afternoon classes and morning labs, so that really messes with your chi. Don't discount or blow off Communications. It's actually very important. Instead, blow off Philosophy 3; it's completely POINTLESS. BTW, Kearsing is not nearly as much of an asshole as people think he might be. By the time everyone got to know him, they liked him. His PT class, even if outdated, is still very good. Tri's 4 and 5 left you with exhaustion; Tri 6 you're starting to feel a bit brazen due to the burnout.

Tri 7: The burnout gives way to "we don't give a shit anymore". And you don't. And, you're not afraid to say so. All frontal lobe inhibitions are simply gone. You simply don't care anymore, because you've been through the ringer already. This tri *should* be great; after all, the classes are (a lot) easier, testing schedule is (much) lighter, and you've transitioned from the junior high that is Tri 6 Student Clinic to the High School equivalent of clinic: outpatient. You're one of the big kids now. Yes, depending on your staff doc, you just might get treated as an adult, maybe even with respect. But the truth is, even though Tri 7 should rock, it doesn't. Contrarily, it's actually an emotional beating, to use an upper tri student's consoling words at the time. And here I was thinking it was just me. No, it's not. What brings Tri 7 down is clinic, because you typically start off with zero patients. And as a lowly Tri 7, your staff doc's priorities are the Tri 9's in your pod, because they're close to graduating. They get all the new patients off rotation, they get fed all the exams, etc. Meanwhile, you get jack, and you're left wondering why you're waking up with clenched teeth every morning. Relax. As hopeless as it looks, it will pick up for you and you will get through. The only other part that sucks is, you still have a full class load, so your only available clinic time is 3-7. Here's a suggestion: don't go home at 3p every day when you don't have patients. Instead, clock in and stay. Study. Get your Grand Rounds case type written up while it's still fresh. Look over the material from the day's classes. You're gonna have to study anyway, might as well get clinic time for it. Trust me, you'll thank me later when you don't have to come back after all your requirements are done and sit and do nothing because you didn't put the time in now while you have it. What I learned this tri: be in your pod if you can, in front of your staff doc. That way, when someone is needed to sub for a PT or an adjustment (or even--eek!--a new walk-in patient), you're right there, ready to go, and picking you is a no-brainer. (Yes, admin recently sent out a memo prohibiting this. See, whenever too many people finish on time, the school gets disappointed that they don't have enough students paying full tuition to go through a 10th trimester and they start arbitrarily throwing you curveballs, hitting you where it hurts most. Lay low for a few weeks and then gradually start disregarding the "rule", which is not, by the way, an official policy in any of the clinic handbooks. Eventually, no one will notice.)

Tri 8: This tri is MUCH better. Classes still start at 7am, but you have about half the class load this time around, and except for 2 2-hour morning labs, you can treat patients pretty much any time the clinic is open, because you otherwise don't have any regular classes scheduled during clinic hours. Also, if you were smart last tri (and this one) you hung around during your staff doc's rotation day and with any luck you picked up a patient or two, so maybe you'll start Tri 8 with a patient or a handful. So, not only do you have to study even less, but clinic is at least starting to look, well, not bright, but less grim. Learning opportunity for this tri: I learned (at the beginning of the tri as my patient load started picking up) how to schedule efficiently. You'll quickly learn who your most reliable patients are; give them first pick of the times. Schedule everyone else around that, filling up the times immediately before and immediately after first. Schedule your least reliable patients at the end of the day (you have a lot of M-F 9-5 patients and those end-of-the-day slots are in high demand for you). This way, should the unreliable patient cancel with short notice (or just plain not show up without calling), you get to go home early without having anyone else to wait around for. I wouldn't put an unreliable patient at the beginning of the day; otherwise, you hurry to get to the clinic by a certain time, only for that patient not to be there. Also, as the tri goes on, patients will drop back on frequency, whether it's because they're getting better and no longer need to come so frequently or they decide it's not working as well or money gets tight and elect to drop back or drop out altogether. Get additional people in there, whether off rotation (although never count on this) or having your own people in mind (preferred). Two classes NOT to let get away from you: AK and Rad Positioning. They're not hard and it's easy to forget about them, but if you do, they'll sneak up on you and they're impossible to cram a couple days before. BTW, you probably won't start feeling super-good about your clinic numbers till the second half (or possibly the very end) of Tri 8. By the end of Tri 8, most people feel like they've hit their stride and they're in their game, but don't feel bad or panicked if you don't feel this way. Many people get practically all their numbers in Tri 9.

Tri 9: Where had this tri been all my life?? There are NO more academic classes, so you barely ever see the main campus or even that whole side of the street, except to park. No more 7am mornings; I tried not to schedule patients before 9.30. I really preferred 10am, if it worked for them, because it pretty much kept me out of rush hour completely. I didn't mind staying late, because afternoon rush started before 4pm and if I had any afternoon patients at all, even one at the earliest afternoon time slot (3pm, and I almost always did), I was going to end up stuck in afternoon traffic. Best to schedule some more patients and resign myself to staying the whole day, and not leave till 7p when traffic has a chance to clear out. Nah, this tri is a sleep-in, study-free, get-your-life-back kinda tri. You get to pick up the odds and ends that got let go and neglected during the last few years. The carpet gets cleaned, the car gets fixed, the dogs get their shots, you dust, you vacuum, you clean out your closet and take carloads to Goodwill and other charities. Try not to spend much money, though; this's the last tri you get any student loan check, and remember that it takes 3-4 months to get your license and be able to start practicing. Unfortunately, by this tri (when I would've had time to start massaging again,) the preceding trimesters had all but killed my massage practice and I had to devote so much time to school in Tri 3-7 that I really didn't have time for any massage clients and so I had referred them all to other therapists and had barely any left by Tri 9, so supporting ourselves doing massage therapy is going to be trickier now without the client base. However, I'm more human again. The burnout and brazen-ness I had felt before is gone and my lost inhibitions have been found again. I've returned to the status of a civilized being. Hint: even if the State Fair falls in Tri 9 for you and you think it's a mute point and useless with only about 7-9 weeks left till graduation, go anyway. Some people get all their recruit numbers in Tri 9, a good chunk from the fair alone.

A Sidebar Extra: During the long, arduous process of checking out of Tri 6 Student Clinic (a fiasco I won't revisit, but let's just say that we were supposed to be out by 1pm or so and we weren't able to leave campus till 8pm), a fellow student Josh and I came up with various songs that should go on a soundtrack CD dedicated to Parker. Well, I had also been thinking of something along those lines (as is a way of life for me), and the soundtrack CD turned into a double CD set. The listing would be as follows... (this list--unlike most of my lists--is in order, for the most part)

CD 1
1. Bon Jovi - "Mister Big Time"
2. Our Lady Peace - "Tomorrow Never Knows" (Beatles cover)
3. Republica - "Ready To Go"
4. REM - "Shiny Happy People"
5. Duran Duran - "Too Much Information"
6. Crystal Method - "Busy Child"
7. Scorpions - "Winds of Change"
8. Pink Floyd - "Money"
9. Smashing Pumpkins - "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"
10. Hoodoo Gurus - "Axegrinder"
11. Don Henley - "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat"
12. The Who - "Won't Get Fooled Again"
13. James - "Born of Frustration"
14. Meat Puppets - "We Don't Exist"
15. Alan Parsons Project - "Eye in the Sky"
16. Tori Amos - "Crucify"
17. Twisted Sister - "We're Not Gonna Take It"
18. Pink Floyd - "Another Brick in the Wall, Pt 2"
19. Rolling Stones - "19th Nervous Breakdown"

CD 2
1. Don Henley - "Dirty Laundry"
2. Information Society - (Why are we) "Still Here"
3. Dire Straits - "Settin' Me Up"
4. Pink Floyd - "Us & Them"
5. Hanson - "Where's the Love?"
6. Jackson Browne - "Runnin' On Empty"
7. Eurythmics - "Would I Lie To You"
8. Rolling Stones - "Between a Rock and a Hard Place"
9. Queensryche - "Anybody Listening?"
10. Gloria Gaynor - "I Will Survive"
11. REM - "Draggin' the Line"
12. Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow"
13. Mike & the Mechanics - "All I Need is a Miracle"
14. Pearl Jam - "Alive"
15. Pink Floyd - "Run Like Hell"
16. Eagles - "Hotel California"
17. Third Eye Blind - (Can I) "Graduate"
18. Tom Petty - "Don't Come Around Here No More"
19. Queen - "We Are the Champions"

Yep, that about sums it up. So in case you've ever felt alone in your confusion, frustration, incompetence, insignificance, etc, take at least some comfort: you're not.

Somebody make that CD, make several copies and slip them under key admins' office doors. Heh...

Great day for freedom

Yes, it's a reference to the Pink Floyd song. Really.

So anyway, today was our first day as doctors, as graduates-in-limbo (as we're not yet fully licensed, nor do we have our hard-copy diplomas yet). Whatever we are, however, we are no longer students. For the first time since January 2002 (for me) and September 2001 (for Jay), we're not enrolled anywhere, or having to plan a class schedule at any particular school. Yep, that's right. After 8 years (they're not lying--it does take that long), we finally don't have anyone to answer to, any assignment to complete, any book to crack, or any exam to cram for.

I felt the difference in weight as I left the tally office yesterday after checking out of clinic. I had not realized how immediate the feeling would be. I had walked in there with that perpetual weight, after all. The difference was so profound that I wonder if I really am any lighter. Maybe I got lucky and it came right off my abs and butt. I can only hope.

In my life, wherever there's sweet, there's at least a hint of bitterness lurking somewhere (and to be fair, vice versa). Nobody told me about the grief process, the loss I would feel over having transferred my patients off of my roster and onto someone else's. The end approached so fast that for some of my patients, it hadn't dawned on me that I was treating them for the last time, and so I never really did get to say a proper goodbye. For others, though, I knew it was the last time and that made it harder, emotionally. I have my sweet elderly couple on Medicare in mind when I say this. We were all almost tearful when we said our final goodbyes. When I thanked everyone for coming in and allowing me the opportunity to treat and care for them, I meant it. Each of them found a little place under my skin where they will live forever, never letting me forget, not that I would want to.

Last night and pretty much all day today was a mixture of elation and uselessness. To be fair and accurate, today was indeed a very productive day; we placed the order for our single most important tools: our chiropractic tables. We also have in our possession two new members of the family: a diathermy machine and an Erchonia percussor. But other than that, we've done jack shit. OK, I downloaded a ton of rock en espanol (the commute from south Austin to central San Antonio will be long, after all), we diathermied and percussed my chest to finish breaking up the gunk from last week's bug, and we did, after all, watch a History International documentary on snow. Now I know how my Medicare couple felt when I said, "Happy Friday!" to them; they said that they lost track of which day it was because they all were pretty much the same. Now I understand.

There's the pure glee that comes from a combination of finishing school, the prospect of leaving Dallas, the joy in moving to south Texas and being in San Antonio, the dream of starting our own practice, and the fun it'll be to make contacts with friendly people for once (my Dallas friends and family aside, of course). I also look forward to the end of the massage days of simply rubbing on people, using oil, asking how the pressure is, and providing services in silence for an hour or two on end.

There's the excitement of picking out our equipment, browsing commercial real estate listings online and dreaming that one day one of them will be ours, of imagining life in a different place.

There's the sadness of leaving our Dallas friends and hangouts (not that we had many of either, but what we had was quality over quantity), of leaving our house (it was such a perfect fit), of leaving our way of life as we know it. There's the grief in saying goodbye to my patients and knowing that the next time they come to the clinic, they'll sign in for another intern and that I'm no longer a part of their care.

There's a sense of urgency as well. The self-applied pressure of studying, learning material, and getting through school is no longer there. We no longer have test dates and deadlines to worry about. Those have been replaced instead by a need to REALLY buckle down now, in a way I hadn't (been able to) before. It's time now to work out, to really learn Spanish, to learn and perfect our mentor's protocol, to research tools and equipment for the practice, to get quickly acquainted with San Antonio and its people and local businesses and its events, to study up for real on subjects like physiology, neurology, endocrinology, immunology, active care, muscle physiology, pathology, adjusting techniques and protocols, and a lot more.

And there's the apprehension. We're considering selling the house, except that property values are seriously low right now and we'd lose out on a lot if we sold now. We're considering renting it out first, but there's a lot of hassle with that from a lot of different angles, compounded by the fact that we've never owned any rental property before, so we'd be shooting in the dark. We're moving into a house that isn't ours, that is owned by someone else, and what it all comes down to it, they call the shots. They have their way of life, and there are customs they share with their neighbors like coming over unannounced, that we don't share and wouldn't approve of. Having lived on my own for 14 years (and Jay a bit longer), we've formed our own patterns and culture and we're fairly set in it. How do we reconcile that?

There is also the uncertainty that comes from starting your own business. Here we are, already six figures in debt, and we're looking at going further into debt by trying to buy a small building. In the long run it's a good lot better than leasing, but still...that much debt scares a lot of people, including me.

And then, there's the optimism. I'm confident that eventually, everything will work out, and if history repeats itself, our future will be better and brighter than I ever imagined. I'm positive that we'll be steered into the right thing at the right time, and led away from anything less. I'm sure that in years to come, we'll have a comfortable, fun, fulfilling practice with fun, pleasant, common-sense, reliable patients. I have the feeling that no matter what curveballs the Universe throws at us, we'll come out ahead, having dodged the bullets and emerging as stronger people. I'm sure we'll have a blast and help a lot of people. The path is steeply elevated; let's face it--two chiropractors, deeply in debt, opening their own practice from scratch, in a city we've never visited very long, let alone lived in.

But it's been my experience that with us, that doesn't seem to matter. I'm reminded of a time 9 years ago when we were buying our house (jobless) in a city we'd never even been to, we found ourselves running across the parking lot of the realtor's office, hurrying to get in before closing to sign the purchase agreement. It was then that the realization of the fact that we were about to quit our good jobs, move 930 miles away and drop a lot of money (for us) on a house we'd seen one whole time in a city we knew precious little about hit my husband. He started to chuckle and said, "my God, what are we doing?" And in all seriousness I grinned and said, "I don't know but we better hurry up and do it!"

What I do--and don't do--to save money

There's probably one thing worse than finding yourself jobless with ongoing bills to pay...and that's being $150k+ in non-bankruptable debt, while also being jobless with ongoing bills to pay. Even tough I'm part of the Gotta-have-it generation that became conscious of the world in the Decadent '80s and came of age in the Decade of Denial (the '90s), I'm still not too young to have been exposed to plenty of the GI generation that went through the Great Depression...and lived to tell about it. I imagine that subconsciously, I took a few cues from them, some of their fundamental concepts seeding themselves in my head and germinating just when I've needed them most.

I don't drive with the tailgate down, nor do I drive with the A/C off or the windows up when it's 100 degrees outside, just to save on gas mileage. Lots of people torture themselves, sweltering in their vehicle because they think they'll reduce engine load or wind resistance/drag. I haven't found these to work in my favor. Instead, I do stick to about 60-65 mph on the main highways, even if the actual speed limit is higher. I do stay in the right-hand lane when doing this, especially if the general traffic flow is traveling faster. Right away this saves me anywhere from 10-25% in fuel costs. I started doing this during the $4/gallon days, and I haven't looked back since. Bonus: your stress level goes down. Even though you deal with more tailgaters who don't understand that the right lane isn't for hot-rodding or passing other vehicles, you still find yourself calmer in general.

I don't automatically buy larger sizes of a bottle of vitamins, for example, just because it's there. A lot of people do this, automatically thinking they'll get more value for their money for buying in bulk. Increasingly, larger sizes are not a bargain at all. What's worse is, some stores will try to disguise this by comparing apples and oranges; on the shelf label, some stores break down the price per ounce or whatever. I've seen math errors, or different units used (thus making it tougher to compare directly, or whatever. Instead, I crunch numbers. Yes, I actually bring a calculator, and I look on the packages themselves to get size and content information. This way, I can caculate an accurate unit price per pound, per capsule, etc.

I don't clip coupons. For some people this is almost a religious ritual without which their day would not be complete, but I disagree. Coupons hardly ever include anything I would actually buy. Usually they "discount" a pre-packaged item that is so over-priced that the value for the money is still rather low, even after accounting for the "discount". I also think twice before simply stocking up on something just because it's on sale. Too many times I've burned myself by stocking up on a shampoo, deodrant, or type of cereal, just to switch brands, leaving me with a lot of useless leftovers...and money wasted. Instead, I only stock up on something when I already have its use planned, or perhaps it's a perishable item but I've been using it every day forever and I have a freezer to store it in. This is especially true for fruit; I try to buy organic fruit when it's in season and freeze it. Sure, I may lose some vitamin content during the freezing process, but at least I don't waste food due to spoilage, and I can buy organic fruit when it's more affordable, and keep it longer. To keep Whole Foods affordable, I try to buy my dietary staples--and their accompanying spices--in the bulk section, instead of in little prefab packages. It's more work to combine the ingredients myself, and it's not as glamorous as buying a cutesy little dinner in a hip designer box, but it costs much less, and as a nice bonus, I have more control over the ingredients. And we do try to cook at home instead of eating out. When we do eat out, I try to order something that reheats well on the stove, because if I can't finish it in the restaurant, then I can get a take-out box and reheat it later. Two lunches for the price of one, and I don't overeat. When I go out, I do not take my thriftiness out on the service staff if I've gotten decent service; they have to make money too, and tipping is a custom that is understood and automatically agreed upon by the very fact that I have chosen to eat at that restaurant. If I can't afford to tip according to custom, then I can't afford to eat there. Those of you who don't want to tip, get over yourselves and go to Burger King.

I do not shop at Walmart--at least, not if I can avoid it. Yes, it's possible. There is life outside of Wally-world. And it doesn't even have to cost you an arm and a leg. The asterisk to those everyday low-low prices is that the stuff is junk. I thought I was saving money by buying a skillet for $40 that would've cost me $150 elsewhere. Well, after going through 3 or 4 of those in a single year or 2, I got sick of teflon coming off in my food and having to replace the thing every few months, and I buckled down, sucked it up, and invested in a product with some quality. Sure I paid more, but 7 years later I still have the thing. (The beauty is, it's not even Teflon--which is all I could find at Walmart.) Instead, to save money, I try to buy quality products locally, if I can. Local mom-and-pop shops are more likely to give cash discounts to promote a turn away from credit cards and the fees they carry. I do not buy extended warranities, especially from large chain stores, or for my truck. I've been suckered in to several in the past, and none of them have ever come out in my favor. Each and every time, I could've survived very well without them. Invest in decent products from decent companies at decent stores, and you do away entirely with the problem that an extended warranty pretends to band-aid. I also don't usually buy generic products. Some store-brand items are fairly good, but others simply don't live up to the pricier brand name. Experiment, because it's a mixed bag.

For things I can't get very easily at mom-and-pop stores like clothes, this is where chain stores come in, and there are plenty of good ones. Some, like Kohl's, sell great styles of decent quality (even if it is made in China, which is indeed a black mark), for a decent price. I also like Ross; sometimes, a lot of last season's Kohl's or even Dillard's or Macy's overstock ends up there, with slashed prices. In these stores, head to the clearance racks first; don't underestimate last season's leftovers. This works in the malls, too, which is how we can afford to shop at malls. In a crunch, don't overlook Goodwill; there's no shame in shopping there. I might check Plato's closet or TJ Maxx, but in my experience, while Plato's closet has good selection, it's a bit pricey for used clothes, and TJ Maxx doesn't have a lot of style--or wonderful prices. Ross is better. In the Dallas-Ft Worth area, Dillard's has a little-known national clearance/overstock store in which the clothes there are regularly 70% off the regular Dillard's stores. During holiday weekend sales, the savings are even greater. The DFW store is the only one I know of its kind, so if anyone else knows of one in their area, speak up. The drawback is, there are no returns, refunds, or exchanges, so try everything on and make sure you're in love with it before leaving the store. It's worth it, though; we bought about $2300 worth of good quality clothes for about $260. We do not, however, frequent any kind of outlet malls. They're practically full retail and sometimes the actual clothes lines are of inferior quality than those found in the regular stores. And the return policies aren't real friendly, despite the retail pricing. I also would never shop at Walmart or Sam's for clothes. We used to, and the shirts would start coming apart as early as the first or second washing. For non-clothing items I can't get locally, I try places like Amazon, Half Price Books, or Movie Trading Company.

We don't go to the State Fair on Pay-One-Price day (you know, where you get the bracelet that you pay a flat price for and ride unlimited all day). We also typically don't get season passes to any parks. Instead, we do other things, like bowl during non-league times or mini-golf during off-peak hours. It's cheap and just as fun. Although it's less glamorous, there's also less to go wrong. We also go to dollar theaters instead of regular ones. If we travel at all, we try to take trips during off-peak times and if we need to fly or stay in a hotel, we've had good luck booking online with sites like Priceline. I've heard less-than-good things about Orbitz, though.

I don't buy into the so-called "green" light-bulbs or low-flow toilets or low-usage shower heads. Why? Because the light bulbs have toxic chemicals like Mercury in them (how "green" is that??) and to flush or wash my hair requires a certain amount of water no matter what, and limiting the amount of water capacity won't change that; it'll just force me to have to flush again or use my shower head longer to get all the shampoo out of my hair. Instead, I do save money (and the planet) by turning lights off when I'm not in the room (what a (lost) concept!!) and turning the water off while I'm working shampoo or conditioner into my hair.

I don't buy used CDs to save money, unless I'm really into the cover art or I simply want to have the hard copy in my collection. Instead, I download music for free. There, I said it. Before anyone goes getting all holier-than-thou on me about starving artists or starts trying to scare me into the consequences of my breach of the law, understand that the artist gets NONE of the revenue generated during the sale of a used CD, and don't worry; the way I do it, I'm not going to get caught. There is pretty much zero chance. I've been using the same method for over 7 years, so have countless others, and I have yet to hear of a single charge being brought upon the users of our system. Besides, I already have a helluva CD collection, legitimately purchased. Oh, and I'm a starving artist myself, on the side.

I don't try to pinch pennies by carrying liability car insurance only. I get full coverage; that way I know I'm generally covered no matter what happens. I do try to save money by shopping my car insurance every year, taking the defensive driving course (online, and it brings your premiums down by 10%), and avoiding accidents and tickets. I also try to minimize my driving by combining trips and not making special individual trips, and carpooling when possible.

Other things? Check with phone/internet/cable companies about package deals. If you're an avid user, look into unlimited plans. If you make international calls, check out those plans. They have them, but they'll never tell you unless you ask. Also, instead of going to a gym, I work out at home. Sure, it's not the same, and there's a lot that I can do, but if you're looking for an aerobic workout, you don't even need a treadmill. Instead I invested in Power 90 and other exercise tapes. I went to used sporting good stores and picked up small sets of free weights. I get a plenty-good workout, without the monthly gym expense, having to drive, or even having to front a lot of initial capital for expensive home machines. It's also good to scrutinize your bills, especially your credit card bills, and especially this time of year. Unauthorized charges should be questioned, investigated, and reversed. Pay everything off every month to avoid interest and other fees. Also, instead of going to the MD for every little thing, I save money by getting adjusted regularly. It seems more expensive, until you realize that it's been forever since you've been sick and you think about all the medical doctor bills you've saved. Instead of succumbing to pharmaceutical medications, I opt for natural supplements and preventive care instead. Don't skimp on a good CPA to do your taxes, either. Chances are, they'll save you more than they charge you. Don't pay unnecessary taxes; seek out a pro. (Note: H&R Block does NOT count!) And above all, I avoid anything that has a monthly charge, like memberships and automatic deductions. I carry one credit card and I have a second one for online purchases only. I refuse to sign up for any store credit cards, no matter how high the pressure to do so, or how tempting the discount is. They don't offer these discounts for nothing - the average discount is 15% off that day's purchases; well, they'll probably get that 15% back in fees, and probably more.

Saving money isn't tough, but to really do it requires common sense. What people think they're doing to save money (i.e. opting for cheap products, or scaling back on a server's tip, etc) often isn't the way to go. In reality, you need to think before you purchase and exercise long-lost virtues like discipline and resisting the temptations of instant gratification.