Thoughts like butterflies

Various things come to mind lately.  Fluttering by like butterflies.  (I seriously think the word "butterfly" came from a dyslexic person trying to say flutter-by and it just stuck.)

Lately, while trying to revive my dormant eclectic side (you know the old Me who wrote for "Tangents" and fit in with the artcore intelligente kids), I unearthed my iPod's college radio playlist and upon listening to Pizzicato 5's "Playboy Playgirl", the only part of the lyrics in English (and the rest are in Japanese), I realized that the rest of the lyrics could be the narration to a Japanese porno flick and we'd never know it.  That made me laugh.

At Whole Foods I picked up some of their high-dollar "drinking chocolate" as an experimental treat, and made some with coconut milk on the stove last night.  Highly heavenly.  I mean, there's hardly any way you can go wrong with chocolate, cinnamon, cardamom, coconut, and vanilla (the flavoring in the coconut milk), but it's even better than you think.

Lately I've been trying to explore my drum-n-bass side.  But not just ANY drum-n-bass; it has to be rather atmospheric/ambient, or else it's a bit grating and less artsy.  You can never have too much snare and bassline if it's done right.   (Oh for f*ck's sake, I had to make my browser learn the word "bassline".  Really, Safari?)

Did I mention how gleefully relieved I am at having dodged the Having Children Bullet?  Talk about clean apartment, spare time, unbroken sleep, fewer messes (other than the cats), a bit more disposable income, worry-free weekend getaways, and much more peace and quiet (not to mention that any noise made is on MY terms and probably something I actually want to listen to).  No sippy cups, no teething rings, no baby swings, no co-sleeping debates, no food processing baby food, no diaper washing, no diaper blowouts, nada.  We can stay up late, swear, play loud music (limited only by neighbors), watch whatever we want on TV, listen to Butt Trumpet without worry that kids will learn bad words, not have to worry about some crapsack harming or scaring the cats, etc.  It's bliss.

Finally got my hair done.  My hair colorist is the bomb.  Not only is she a wizard with red color (no easy feat, especially with my cooler semi-olive skin tone and the darkest hair possible without it being black), but she's also probably one of maybe 6 people in San Antonio who actually know who The Sounds and Manitoba are.  And my hairstylist (a different lady) is a young child-free person who actually recoiled, "no!" to my "do you have kids?"  I smiled and said, "good for you."  And we proceeded to talk the entire time about how we're relieved and free and all that.  And my hair looks like a million bucks again.  It's about time.  It's been two years.

And last but not least, I'm thinking of shaving...there.  Maybe not fully, but at least most of it.  Talk about monthly cycles being made easier!  Not that I have a whole lot of them left anyway, but let's face it.  If the hair bunches, matts, or snags, it sucks.  So I'm considering giving it the heave-ho.

And...yeah.

Miscellaneous things that annoyed me today

Dear fellow bluebird flockmates:

Can we work something out? Like maybe if I queue up a single CD, you don't vanish offline until that CD is finished downloading? Or maybe if I queue something up at noon and there are only a couple hundred tracks in your queue, that I might have what I need by, say, 7pm? Seven hours is long enough to rot in your queue, right?

And folks? I AM sharing. A lot. That means when my files down show up the first 4 times you browse me, maybe you might consider giving it a rest. You can even add me to your buddy list to see how many files I'm sharing. Yep, go ahead. See? It's a REALLY big number. So please stop fucking freezing my computer all the time. Really, 6 times in a row? Talk about OCD. I mean, I understand the desire to make sure everyone downloading from you is also sharing and not leeching (I mean, that's just responsible queue management), but jeez...

Dear Firefox:

We need to talk.

Sometimes I really mean to type "flockmates". I do not need you to babysit my spelling by autocorrecting it into "flock mates" because that's not what I meant. Even with your helpful navy blue underline. It's grating. Why can't you simply underline my supposed misspellings in red to call my attention to them and then let me deal with them like an adult? Please tell me people see the red underline and that this new autocorrect change wasn't brought about by dumbshits complaining that they lost job opportunities because of typos in their emails to potential employers or something. Please tell me you wouldn't cave into something like that.

Dear Vitacare gum company:

I like the premise of your gum. It's got whitening features, along with xylitol and vitamins. You even thought ahead enough to leave out what we don't want - aspartame and artificial flavors and gluten and whatnot. However, NOWHERE on your packaging (which is magenta and white) did you ever mention the word "peppermint" as a flavor. That would've been helpful to know, since I HATE peppermint. With a passion. It immediately irritates me. I would've liked to have known. Or at least, make the packaging green or something, to possibly tip me off to check the flavor. Magenta is relatively misleading.

That is all.

European, I'm a-peein' ... oh wait--scratch that

Yes, that lovely day came when I got to visit my surgeon to have my bladder evaluations done before my hysterectomy. These evals (ha! The newly-automatic web browser spellchecker-slash-annoying-autocorrector turned "evals" into "evils"!) are supposed to tell us which flavor of surgery I will need, i.e. which combo of procedures I should have done while he's in-nair.

That day came yesterday.

I was not prepared.

I went downtown myself. I successfully reached the place (act of Goddess). I found a parking spot (another blessed act). And it was close by! (Is Her Highness going for a hat trick?) I only had to wait about half an hour (what's with these conventional docs and the WAITING? Wow, no wonder why our new patients think it's no big deal to be 15 mins late - at any other office, they wouldn't be seen for ANOTHER 15 mins!)

Anyway... then the fun starts. Weight: I lost 4 pounds!! Dunno how. Blood pressure: Wrist-based blood pressure cuffs suck. The readings are inaccurate. Take 20 points off of each of the numbers, both top and bottom, and you'll have your actual blood pressure. Then, a private room. Strip from the waist down. Everything. Lie back on the table, put your feet in the stirrups. (Yeah, that's always fun. Stirrups are never a GOOD sign, are they?)

Then I was told I'd give a urine sample. No problem, just show me a cup and a restroom. Nope, completely passive process - you lie there. At first I was like, oh good, because I don't think I could pee right now. I was OK with letting them just take the urine from me. So she siphons it. I feel burning and stinging pain. Not too bad. Not something I'd like to repeat, but it could've been worse.

Then we need to fill the bladder with water and look around inside with a tiny camera. Supposedly looking for abnormal cell growths (early cancer) or whatever. Yes, the ridges mean overactive bladder. Overactive? You're talking to someone who could hold a gas tank in her kidneys. I mean, when I was a kid I peed maybe every 12 hours. Seriously. Consolation prize: I got to see my urethra and bladder on TV!

It went downhill from there. They moved me to another room where I sat in some reclining birthing chair (hard as hell), put my feet in stirrups (again), and had another instrument (a catheter) inserted into my urethra (joy) only this time, it was in there for a while. When you're talking about something inserted in your urethra, 2-5 minutes is a WHILE. A good LONG while.

There was a catheter and some electro leads and pads in areas I never imagined you'd ever stick a lead. They measured pressures in my urethra. I have irregular tension on my urethra - normal is 20. Mine was between 11-14. This means that sometimes, when I cough, sneeze, or laugh too hard, I pee myself. Well hell, I knew that.

They did give me a local anesthetic. Only a partial, though, not complete, because they wanted me to feel pressures and report back about different things as they tested. Yay. I would've preferred the total anesthetic!

They warned me that I might feel burning pain and tenderness in that area for a while. Heh. Try, I can't pee for the whole day. No, really - my body would not let me void urine for the. Whole. Day. Now these days, I'm used to peeing every 2-3 hours or so - sometimes less often. My body did not even crave water at all. I am used to existing in a relatively perma-dehydrated state, so that wasn't a problem. But by nightfall, I tried to pee...and couldn't. It wasn't a physical blockage, but rather pain too great to allow urine to flow. So I abandoned the idea, took a whack-ton of natural muscle relaxers, and dropped like a rock in a urinary anti-gravity position on the sofa.

Only at 7am this morning was I able to pee. For the first time since noon yesterday, mind you.

I've never been so grateful to be able to drink (and even to crave!) water.

I haz a funny: websites that make you howl

I've had a rough week. So sometime tonight, I look forward to sitting on my ass on the couch in front of some quasi-OK reality show on the idiot box, and laughing my ass off at various funny websites, just to add the years back onto my life that this week took off.

Oh, what was that? You want a rundown of this week before we start? Sure, why not? OK, here goes: I'm having trouble with my 2 major staff members (my lead massage therapist, through no fault of her own, and my office manager, through many faults of her own), my jaw and tooth pain quickly progressed to an advanced abscess that will most likely require a root canal and an extra $2 grand to go with it, a strange initial patient visit that I hope will go more smoothly next visit, an upstairs neighbor who walks like an elephant and lets his dog out of its crate for 2-3 hours a day (in the LATE night when we're all trying to go to bed!) despite being complained on and talked to by SAPD several times, the resulting loss of sleep, and...yeah.

Anyway, back to the funny stuff.

No, the above paragraph was not funny. The following websites are funny.

engrishfunny.failblog.org
Failblog's family of humorous snapshots of 21st century (sub)human life are all pretty laugh-worthy, but EngrishFunny takes the cake. This is a blog-style collection of iPhone-captured snapshots of various signs in countries whose major languages are very clearly NOT English, but host tourist destinations aimed particularly at attracting or catering to English speakers. These typically involve countries such as China, Korea, Taiwan, the Philippines, India, etc. The people in charge of deciding on the phrasing for these signs know, in their own language, what they want to say. However, they can't quite seem to nab someone with enough knowledge of English to get their ideas across. The results are pure hilarity.

peopleofwalmart.com
This website is another blog-like conglomeration of pictures taken by smartphone of various people who patronize Walmart. It ends up being an illustrated version of Jeff Foxworthy's famous "You Might Be A Redneck If..." comedy routine. These pictures are typically NOT staged or Photoshopped as far as we know; they're the real deal. Good morning America, how are ya?

notalwaysright.com
I know I mentioned this one before (hell I probably mentioned all of these in the Websites That Rule series), but this site is a fantastic collection of various stories from the customer service world. Submitted anonymously by various blessed individuals from around the world, it'll make you shake your head and laugh your ass off at the same time.

granolasdodallas.blogspot.com/

Seriously, this lady will make you spit your coke all over your computer keyboard. She'll make you laugh out loud in class. She's a smart-ass with a good-girl Mormon twist. But even if you're not all that fond of religion or religious people, she's still friendly and funny enough to make up for it all. She talks about burping, farting, tripping, and things that piss her off. She even swears from time to time. Now that's my kinda Mormon!

www.cracked.com/

As funny and wit-infused as it is, it is also just as informative. Some of the information can be suspect. (Really? They discovered viable lifeforms in a lake of boiling asphalt?) But hey, who am I to judge? (In reality, it's probably true.) But some of the stuff is just damn funny. ("5 Things That Separate Troubled Genuises from Jerkwads" and other adventures.) Makes for an entertaining evening! That's it, go ahead: curl up with a blanket and an iPad. I'll leave you two alone.

Websites that rule, Part 5

Tonight I feel like blogging, but I don't have the mental energy to form a new profound thought of any kind, nor do I even feel like going off on a rant (strange, I know). Then I saw that we're long overdue for another installment of "Websites that rule", so here we are, almost a year later with Numero Cinco.

Site: http://kerryheadley.wordpress.com
Why the site rules: Remember the Snippy Little Thing (snippylittlething.blogspot.com)? Well, she's moved over to the other side (Wordpress) and started/continued a new incarnation of her kickass personal blog over there. It's seasoned and more professional, and aside from being less feisty, it's not missing much else.

Site: http://www.womentowomen.com
Why the site rules: It's a health-related website written by women, for women. And I'm not talking about women with Associates degrees in Psychology who spent 3 months devouring every questionable website out there and now call themselves "experts" on natural health because they've "done their research" and "educated themselves". I'm talking about people with medical degrees (nursing, medicine, alternative medicine) and real licenses to boot.

Site: http://www.appointment-plus.com
Why the site rules: Remember Appointment Quest (www.appointmentquest.com)? Well, they kinda fell short (didn't include any notes fields, point-of-sale, employee timeclock, inventory tracking, etc), and then they pissed me off (their website got slower, and slower, and sloooowwwwer). Then, they really pissed me off (they actually DELETE appointments a year old OFF the calendar! I lost all my stats from when we first opened! Each day, that day's appointments from the previous year drop out of accessibility and into the cybernetherworld forever). So, for our new web-based scheduling software/website, we now use Appointment Plus. Much more functionality, usability, and it's a faster website. Same price, problem solved.

Site: http://www.whitewhine.com
Why the site rules: Remember making fun of your girly-girl blonde, delicate snowflake classmates who cried the Rio Grande every time they broke a nail? Well, this is the adult version of that. It makes fun of problems that aren't really problems. Granted, some of the submissions are retarded (some really ARE legitimate annoyances that these folks make fun of people for getting annoyed at, while others simply aren't enough of an annoyance to be considered for submission). But overall, it's a decent site built on a great concept.

Site: http://www.fantom-xp.com
Why the site rules: If you have ever wanted some really spanking cool full-resolution desktop images, look no further. They have over 100,000 images, and they are all FREE. They're delicious images of all categories, largely available in any screen resolution you want, so you always get the right sizing and dimensions for your screen. I spent hours on this site, combing through everything it had to offer. Very yummy!

Site: http://alley.ethercat.com/cgi-bin/door/door.cgi
Why the site rules: Yeah, I know it's a strange URL. And you've got to copy-paste it exactly as it's written above in order for it to load properly. But if you've ever heard of the cult of Scientology, or you're at a not-so-strong moment in your life (making big changes, kicking an alcohol or drug habit, kicking an eating addiction, lonely, trying to make friends, starting a new school, branching out in your philosophy research, soul-searching, finding yourself, etc), you may be vulnerable to certain charismatic people or cults that paint rosy pictures, make big promises, and hide their true nature. This site focuses on Scientology, the bastard child of a cult cross-bred with a pyramid scheme. It details over 200 different people who have experience with this cult, what attracted them to it, and why they left (more often) or why they stayed (much less often).

Site: http://www.medicineppt.com
Why the site rules: If you're going through med school (of any type - allopathic, chiropractic, osteopathic, or any other type of school like nursing or PT), you'll need to know your anatomy, your endocrinology, etc. This site serves as an awesome study guide by providing link after link to bite-size lectures in medicine education in the form of PowerPoint presentations. Cramming has never been so easy! http://medicalppt.blogspot.com is another such site.

Site: http://www.hamexam.org
Why the site rules: Studying for your amateur radio license? Didn't think so. But I did! Yeah, even though I'm not an old white codger who talks over public airwaves about hemorrhoids and grocery shopping, it's still a fun hobby and I've met some extremely cool people over the radio. It all started here, at this website, which made that first license possible. Yes, the feds (FCC, namely) require you to pass an exam and obtain a piece of paper in order to talk on certain radio frequencies. Suck it up and get licensed - it's easy. I crammed the info in 3 hours using this site, which costs NOTHING (in contrast to other sites that promise they have the question pool - the entire question pool is available on this website for free). (PS: Truth be told, I'm learning all the info for real, just *after* the exam LOL)

Site: http://www.truuconfessions.com/
Why the site rules: Yes, there's a second "u" in there. Why, I don't know. This website is a collection of anonymous confessions from mostly women who complain about various aspects of their lives. What brought me to the site was a link to it from a child-free forum, so that's the section of THIS website that I perused. Now, truth be told, many of the confessions are tame and borderline , and you can still sense that the mothers are holding back, abstaining from expressing feelings that they are denying themselves and refusing to admit to themselves. But reading between the cliche phrases and cheesy emoticons, you can feel what they're REALLY feeling...it's what they're NOT saying.

Site: http://www.jobschmob.com/
Why the site rules: Some survey I read somewhere says that 85% of all workers dislike their jobs. That makes SOME sense; we wouldn't be there if we weren't paid to be, right? (Although how on earth THAT many people can't stand their vocation is a little surprising; you'd think we'd be smart enough on average to pick jobs that are at least somewhat compatible with who we are and what we want out of life, especially since there's such a wide variety of jobs to choose from!) But anyway, maybe your dream job is 8 years of schooling away, or you've lost it through downsizing or outsourcing. Or maybe it doesn't exist. Or maybe your current career path looked good a few years ago when you chose it, but now that you're further into it, you can see it's not all it's cracked up to be. Regardless, if you feel like venting or ranting or just generally complaining about it, this is the site for you. Sometimes you can read the comments or blog posts and begin to feel better about your own crappy situation because it's not as crappy as someone else's.

Site: http://www.cracked.com/
Why the site rules: Remember Templeton, the obnoxious rat on "Charlotte's Web"? And how he sang that song in the middle of the night called about a smorgasbord of apple cores, banana peels, and cookies everywhere? Well, this is how I feel when I visit Cracked.com. It's this amalgam of interesting light-bulb thoughts, comics, and lists that you didn't previously REALIZE were important, but become so in seconds. Today's examples, taken from the front page: "5 Secrets of Making Reality TV They Don't What You To Know About", "If Politicians Ran On Issues the Internet Cares About", "Two Views of Love on Valentine's Day [VENN Diagram]". I'm in love.

For past installments of Websites That Rule, behold:
Websites that rule, Part 4
Websites that rule, Part 3
Websites that rule, Part 2
Websites that rule, Part 1

Another one bites the dust: New Year's Hi-Resolution

Today, we put in some Saturday office hours - the end-of-the-year catching up and regrouping. Now that we're finished brainstorming the "from now ons" and "no more of [x]s", it's time to come back to our serene little corner of the world and do what everyone does (or should do) on New Year's Eve: reflect.

I know you thought I was going to say "drink". Ha.

Let's take a moment to look back on the YouTube video that was 2011.

1. Last year around this time (and up until 6 weeks ago), we were living in a stuffy, crappy, cramped low-income roach-infested apartment, resenting every bit of the boom-boom car stereos, late-night drug deals, and illegal immigrants with tejano music coming up through the floor, cell phones permanently stuck to their ears, and litters of dumpy kids. Don't forget the dryer lint simply tossed out onto the hedges instead of thrown into a proper trash can like we tend to do in developed countries. Yeesh.

This year, we've moved up in the world. We gave up our AT&T Uverse package and a blissfully carefree commute for a much cleaner and more spacious apartment with large windows, more plentiful parking, a serene courtyard, and an ambient view. Bonus: no roaches! Although we're no longer within easy reach of interesting neighborhoods or public transportation (damn), we're also a good comfortable distance away from Honda-driving cholos who race down the wrong side of the road and blow through the stop signs.

2. My health continues to...well, demystify itself, at least. This year brought many more answers than questions, for once - although few solutions just yet. I'm still sporting my baby bump with no fucking baby (don't get me wrong - I don't mind not having the baby on the way. But I don't want the bump, either). I hold steady at 5-6 lbs under the max weight I'd clocked in a year ago. Knowing it's not an adrenal or primary thyroid problem is somewhat comforting, because it would've been frustrating to attempt those protocols without any results. That might've shaken my foundation of faith in what I do and sent me into a tailspin. At least now I know it's not my fault, nothing I can do anything about without probably climbing underneath a scalpel.

3. The practice continues to grow. I got published twice in Natural Awakenings and Jay and I have both made guest appearances on an increasingly-highly-rated health and wellness show on a major AM radio station in our area. I've been on that show twice now. And I also dominate the first page of Google when searching for my type of care in our area. Although it has its ups and downs, fruitful and dry spells, I think it's on the steady (even if gradual) increase overall. Which leads me to...

4. The Headspace - ahh yes, the headspace. I'm still under this crazy impression that I should get paid for what it is I do. I'm also suffering from the delusion that patients will actually appreciate the fact that I do more for them than anyone else, take more time with them than anyone else, include more perks and extras than they've ever seen, respect them more, answer their questions more thoroughly and ALL for a lower cost than they've ever paid. I thought they might show some gratitude. I was wrong, at least for the most part. I could do all that, and it's never enough. They bitched, moaned, whined, protested, and shat all over me. It's not covered by insurance. That testing is too expensive. I can't afford regular visits. I cheated on my diet. It's too many supplements. I don't know what to do on the diet. I want to know what else I can eat, even though you've spelled it out simply and straightforward, in plain language in a well-thought-out, well-written, comprehensive informational handout. I knew I had all week to call you and set an appointment for your undivided attention but I'm going to wait till Friday afternoon and send you cyberdiarrhea about how I have all these "concerns" piled up that I've never mentioned to you, so that I feel better, and who gives a shit if you have a crappy weekend worrying because of it...and I'm going to do that every weekend like clockwork, because it makes ME feel better.

So now, I have taken my life back. Not only am I not available 24/7, and not only am I not working overtime after hours for free anymore, but I've also taken several additional steps to reclaiming my sleep, sanity, and soul.
A) Hobbies - getting back onto my P2P music downloading program. This way, I can enjoy life again.
B) Me Time - this is slightly different than hobbies. This involves watching trash TV like Cops and America's Most Wanted, along with other TV like Family Guy and Flying Wild Alaska. I also read peoples' personal blogs or business blogs (not related to my work) or research non-work-related subjects just for fun.
C) Turn off, tune in, drop out (or something) - I've set gradually firmer boundaries throughout the year. First it was a refusal to check email after I left work. Then I wouldn't check it after a certain time in the afternoon. Then it was setting the vacation autoresponder. Then it was the patient handouts: the first was a pre-emptive "you'll feel worse before you feel better" and the second was a "When To Call Me..." checklist. Then we hired our Office Manager and front desk CA, which was a ray of light from heaven. And now I'm to the point where I don't do ANYTHING work-related when I get home.

And you know what? I'm not fucking sorry. I even stopped apologizing.

This year, we're staring down the barrel of a new office, twice as big as our current one. Are we ready? I think we're as ready as we'll ever be. Every time I think we might not be able to afford it, I'm reminded that we can't afford NOT to. So we're about to embark on yet another journey into the unknown, mapping new territory as we go.

------

So yes, life has become both more challenging and more fun. It's finally worth living again; I still feel I'm spinning my wheels a little, but I also see that there's a break in the clouds, a light on the horizon. This hardship stuff won't last forever. Truthfully, it has already started to let up a little. Finally I have some balls, even though it's not much. I'm a bit more comfortable in my own skin, and I'm adjusting to the idea of telling it like it is. I'm a bit more seasoned and less naively optimistic at this point, but that's because I've been through a few skirmishes and earned a few scratches. And I know that's not over yet.

Next year I have a lot to look forward to...let's see how many of these I can accomplish:
--To grow even bigger balls so that I can not be afraid put my foot down, speak up, and say what needs to be said.
--To finish my CCN education, read the books, take the test, and earn the title.
--To keep a clean house that I enjoy coming home to every night like we do now.
--To explore my uterine options, make a decision, and solve that problem.
--To strike a fair balance between fair compensation and excess expense/nickel-dime/etc.
--To build full-spectrum practice in a nice large office, and expand our advertising/marketing efforts including blogs, etc.
--To rehabilitate my body, including my cerebellum and blood sugar management, adrenals, hormone balance, liver function, and everything else.

-------

Bonus: 2011 "Soundtrack", if you will (probably not complete):

"Not a Crime" - Gogol Bordello
"Matchstick Murder" - Tristen
"Tiki Tiki Kardi" - Arash
"Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster the People
"Distant Lights" - Ivy
"Used To Be" - Beach House

...yeah, definitely not complete yet.

Oh well, 2011's in the books. In light of the apocalyptic predictions surrounding the Mayan calendar, I wonder what 2012's version of this post will look like?

Movies that shaped me

We're a complex web of our experiences. These experiences have some influence on what we become, shaping (in part) who we are. We experience the world through our senses. Our senses detect stimuli. And that stimuli can take on a number of forms - sight, smell, sound, etc. The media (TV, radio, press/publishing, internet) use multiple channels (shows/movies, music, books, websites) to reach us. I've devoted a lot of time to music ("25 CDs" and "Playlist" post series) and websites ("Websites That Rule" post series), and now movies will have their time to shine.

No particular order.

"The Matrix" - taught me that the world isn't what it seems and often, rules that seemed like hard-and-fast givens might be bent, or even broken, or at least manipulated, if you only look at the situation from the right angle and realize that you just might have more power than you thought. (Also taught me that there are some sinister forces controlling everything we do and that we are stuck in an illusion, during which we are being farmed for our resources to feed an ever-growing malicious giant.)

"Anne of Green Gables" - taught me that red-headed outcasts who are dreamy, creative, hot-tempered, talkative, and gullible do have a precious place in the world. Finally, I found solace - someone who reads, talks, and imagines vast, rich fantasy worlds, complete with being particular about her name - both the spelling of her real name, and the various names she wishes she had.

"Other Peoples' Money" - taught me that a do-nothing, make-nothing, serve-no one capitalist can actually be correct and make sense - even when he's in the process of killing off a company during a hostile takeover.

"Terminator 2" - taught me that women can have muscles as big as guys' muscles (if we work out hard enough). Women can be respectably bad-ass.

"Enemy of the State" - taught me that the government really can see what you're doing and that you can be targeted and tracked for something that is no fault of your own.

"Alien" - gave my overactive, fearful, fight-or-flight mind something through which to channel all of that said fear and stress.

"Lolita" - showed me how a dirty taboo subject can be HOT, despite our best efforts to say, "that's just wrong".

"Silence of the Lambs" - made me want to be an FBI behavioral scientist and taught me to think and absorb information in a completely different way. Also discovered some very kick-ass music through that movie.

"Karate Kid" - always makes me want to stretch the major muscle groups of the entire lower half of the body and do some serious roundhouse kicks. Also makes me feel very surreal and meditative. And then I want to move to Japan. Taught me that no matter how bad you get your ass kicked, you CAN have the last laugh.

"Star Wars" - taught me that there is indeed a force that surrounds and permeates everything and that it can be used for good or bad. The bad side is tempting and attractive, but the good side is worth the patience it requires and the softer tread on the world.

"Dazed and Confused" - taught me what life was like in high school in the '70s in East Texas and it makes me want to go back to that simpler time.

"Pump Up the Volume" - made me want to own a radio station - but more for the music than the talk - although the talk was pretty damn funny and/or thought-provoking.

"Office Space" - taught me I'm not alone in despising the corporate world. Reinforces my glee and pride to have not made a resume. Yay!

"Working Girl" - showed me how far we've come just since the '80s (hopefully) and that sometimes you have to lie, pretend, and impersonate just to get to the top - but that it was all worth it and sometimes, you don't even get into trouble for having been dishonest.

"Parenthood" - taught me a really useful diarrhea song that I gleefully sang in impeccably-timed situations. Reinforced my decision to never have kids.

"Fried Green Tomatoes" - taught me about traditional (yet strong) southern women and how to be the tomboy maverick among them well into adulthood. Also taught me the concept of Towanda and that I don't have to sit back and let my gender and the passage of time happen to me. Hint: you don't always have to be a southern belle.

"Volcano" - taught me that there's no history of anything till it happens.

"Angus" - taught me that you can either conform or self-combust...OR you can refuse to do either and stubbornly exert your influence on the rest of your surroundings.

"Green Mile" - taught me that not everyone on death row is guilty.

"The Wall" (Pink Floyd) - illustrated the depths of the human imagination.

"A League of Their Own" - taught me exactly what women had to put up with just because their plumbing is inside the body.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" - taught our generation just how to make the very most of a day of hookie. Also found some kickass music in that movie, too.

"JFK" - taught me that there was an entire underbelly of his assassination that will go with some people to the grave. It really does look like it was an inside job. And they hate Oliver Stone for it, too. Because he's more than likely right.

"Terms of Endearment" - taught me not to live in a dysfunctional relationship. It will eat you alive (literally).

"Clan of the Cave Bear" - taught me that a woman (and one who looks much different, at that) can be different and strong and revered.

"Less Than Zero" - taught me just how badly drugs can fuck up your life. Unbelievably frightening.

"Hackers" - provided the motivation to get into computers. And electronic music. And to never sleep.

"The Net" - showed me just how easily someone can easily overthrow and scramble your life. With the click of a mouse, to change some 1's and 0's. Boom, just like that.

"Neverending Story" - taught me that it's perfectly OK to dream and fantasize. Sticking your head in the clouds just might keep some rock-biter alive somewhere. Made me wonder which books weren't "safe", though!

"Seventh Sign" - implanted a fascination deep inside me of Israel and the whole Biblical Kingdom area. Very deep and visceral, too.

"The Craft" - made me want to summon the 4 Corners. Until halfway through. I'm still Wiccan-to-be, though. (Hint: the movie has hardly anything to do with the religion.)

"X-Files" - made me wonder exactly what *else* the Powers That Be are hiding/covering up.

There are probably more. But dinner's ready.

21 Reasons I'm happy to be child-free

I don't hate kids. In fact, I like other peoples' (well-kept, well-behaved) kids. We just don't want any of our own. Unlike other couples who choose to remain child-free, we haven't (yet) encountered any nosy, borderline-judgmental questions or attempts to convert us to the World of Parenting. I figure as an extra preventive measure, I'll make my list of reasons here and should we encounter any of those shining examples of humanity, we'll simply point them to this blog.

Listed in no particular order:

1. It's a full time job and then some. I already have one of those and since I'm just one person (and not two), I don't need another. Without kids, I don't have to pick between a kid and a career. And make no mistake - you can't have it all. Sorry. You're one person, not two. If you think you can do both, then you're probably not doing either very well.

2. My other half and I have a few major genetic issues that we would prefer not to knowingly pass on.

3. Kids are a major investment. We have plenty of other entities vying for our money (our office, our apartments--two right now, Christmas, Whole Foods, Apple, etc). To meet the expenses that kids create, we'd have to grow money on trees or start drug dealing or something. I like having disposable income to go bowling, upgrade to a nice cable/broadband TV/internet package, get my clothes at Dillard's, or get a spanking new iMac. Daycare, baby food, diapers, clothes, and future college tuition just don't seem nearly as attractive.

4. Kids cost money - Part 2. They only cost MORE money as they get older. You thought daycare, diapers, and baby formula were expensive? Ha! Wait till they want designer clothes, starter makeup, video games, and a smartphone. Wait till they toilet-paper the neighborhood and those homeowners find out it's your kid and want restitution. Wait till they want a CAR. We got lucky - my parents paid for anything we were seriously interested in and wanted to pursue. We got music instrument lessons, ice skating lessons, karate classes, and more. Bless my parents. They wanted everything for us - but we were not spoiled. We worked during the summer and understood exactly what it took to obtain the funding for these activities.

5. Kids take space. We tend to need the 2nd bedroom for a home office for our hobbies. A 3-bedroom is out of the question financially.

6. I strongly dislike snot, puke, and poo. I don't care so much about blood and pee, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Without kids, I won't get puked on, nor will I have to wipe a nose or change a diaper.

7. Kids make noise. I'm overstimulated as it is. Occasional neighbor noise aside, I like to have my peace and quiet when I want it.

8. Kids make messes. I'd rather not HAVE to clean more than once a week. Laundry, dusting, catbox, vacuuming, dishes, and general tidying up already take some time each day/week. Our truck is a mess but it doesn't smell bad - without kids I don't have to worry about milk getting spilled and then smelling really...."nice" a week later on a South Texas July afternoon (true story - ask Mom).

9. Kids get into things. Ugh, I went through this with my kid sister - coming home from school and finding my Lego cities in shambles, my books piled on the floor instead of in the bookshelf, markers and paints all over, stickers peeled off and stuck elsewhere, Barbie dolls undressed and re-dressed horribly, pieces of everything everywhere. I hated going to school knowing she was getting into everything all day and I couldn't do anything about it. It didn't stop with the toddler years, either - we continued into our pre-teens and teens stealing my makeup and clothes. Again, ugh. Why would I want to do that to myself all over again?

10. Kids get into things Part 2 - I remember Mom having to put latches on the cupboards and doors, store guns in locked cabinets, store books/knives/china dishes/etc high up, put away sticky candy, worry about where detergents and cleaners were stored (in the Monsanto-dominates, pre-eco-friendly days), etc etc. Why would I want to relive Mom's experience?

11. Kids break things. Candles, light bulbs, electronics (yes, let's confuse a peanut butter sandwich with a VCR tape. Let's pour apple juice into said VCR, too), you name it. Besides the cats, staying child-free means we get to enjoy the full life of our things without having to replace them prematurely.

12. Kids do kid stuff, I do adult stuff. OK, I'll admit I LOVE playing outside - catch, hide-and-seek, capture the flag, tag, you name it. I also love Nintendo/video games. But I don't do kid-style birthday parties or coloring books or other little games that smaller kids play. I like to go people-watch and the mall or play cards. I like to exercise - walking, biking, working out, martial arts. I like to paint, with very permanent paints. I like to get my hair done. I also refuse to bore a little kid by dragging him/her all over the place to do the adult things I'd rather do instead of parenting. So I don't have kids.

13. I can go on vacation or away on an impromptu overnight without having to worry about A) someone watching the kids or B) having to take the kids with us.

14. We can go out to eat or to a movie (or anywhere!) without having to worry about A) getting (and paying increasingly more for) a babysitter, or B) having to take the kids with us.

15. We don't get any dirty looks or stares or (justifiably) rude comments because our kids are acting up or causing a scene. We don't risk having to leave a restaurant in the middle of a meal or a movie just when it's getting good.

16. Kids are heavy. So is their stuff. The kids themselves need to be carried everywhere - but so does their diaper bag. So does their formula. Their toys. Their stroller, should the place not be conducive to strollers. When they act up, or get tired, irritable, and difficult, they become twice as heavy - dead weight, and they're not moving anywhere if they can help it.

17. Kids get cranky. See above - tired, irritable, and difficult. They do this when they're tired. Hungry. Bored. Hot. Anytime they're not happy, which seems often.

18. Kids stink - puke, poo, pee, etc. They smell up the place, causing embarrassment (and if you're NOT embarrassed, something is wrong).

19. Kids strain relationships. They're something else to fight about. They add stress overall. It's not their fault. They just do. As much as we tell kids it's not their fault (which it's not, exactly) - the stress of adjusting to life with kids and the intimacy/money/free time that go out the window when kids arrive can be enough to expose the instability of a partnership and maybe push it to its breaking point.

20. Kids sap sleep. Whether your baby is crying, your toddler is puking, or the cops bust your teenager for having sex in his/her car after he/she snuck out of the bedroom window. Or your 30-year-old who still lives with you coming home at 3AM, staggering around because they're drunk. My sleep is touch-and-go as it is; I certainly don't need any more help staying awake.

21. No extra doctor bills. No "well-baby" checkups, whatever that means. No school district telling us what to do. No having to express breast milk when it's least convenient. No risk of people chastising you for how you parent, or for having to change diapers/breastfeed in public places. Nobody telling me "they hate me". I don't have to worry that I'm producing the next Hitler, Antichrist, Dahmer, Ted Bundy, David Koresh, Stalin, or Saddam Hussein.

Here are movies that help explain what I *won't* have to go through:
"Parenthood"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead"
"Home Alone"
"Three Men & a Baby"

Etc. The clock chimes, time to leave for the office.

25 MORE CDs one should not be without - Part 6

Hello, and welcome to the (nasally congested) 6th installation of CDs that grace my dusty wooden spinney CD holder.

Your mileage may have certainly varied on the past 5 installations and if it did, it will most likely continue to vary with the next 25 little round discs. So here we go, in (drumroll please) No. Particular. Order.

1. REM - Chronic Town (1980)
2. James Asher - Tigers of the Raj (1998)
3. Smashing Pumpkins - Pisces Iscariot (1994)
4. Zero 7 - Simple Things (2001)
5. No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom (1995)
6. Kitaro - Silk Road (1980)
7. Glass Tiger - Simple Mission (1991)
8. Claude Challe - Karmix ~ Kuon Ganjo (2001)
9. Cranberries - No Need To Argue (1994)
10. Blondie - Parallel Lines (1978)
11. Cypress Hill - Black Sunday (1993)
12. B-52s - Cosmic Thing (1989)
13. Ishq - Sonic Incense Vol. 1 (2002)
14. C+C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat (1991)
15. Madonna - True Blue (1986)
16. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon (1973)
17. EMF - Schubert Dip (1991)
18. Ace of Base - The Sign (1994)
19. Alice Cooper - Trash (1989)
20. Llewellyn - Andean Spirit (2001)
21. Janet Jackson - Control (1986)
22. Right Said Fred - Up (1991)
23. Oasis - Definitely Maybe (1994)
24. REM - Document (1987)
25. Enigma - Cross of Changes (1994)

Previous links for those who wish to explore:
25 CDs - Part 1
25 CDs - Part 2
25 CDs - Part 3
25 CDs - Part 4
25 CDs - Part 5