Stuff that is way better in Canada

To the more ignorant of us, Canada seems like that Little Country That Could, our benign neighbor to the north that does little and says even less. Kind of like a second America that we actually don't know anything about, except for maybe the fact that they say "eh" a lot and pronounce words like "out" and "about"....umm, differently.

The truth is, my fellow Americans, that we're totally missing out. Canada is like just another state and yet a completely different world all at the same time. Its economy doesn't just piggyback off of ours; they have their own that is separate and distinct. They have a subtly different set of customs and culture, one that is unique to them, and it's time it was exposed (at least, as much as one little-known blogger can do) and celebrated.

In my travels there throughout both childhood and so far as an adult, I've noticed some areas in which Canada not only matches but actually surpasses the States. Barely scratching the surface I've listed some of them off the top of my head here, in no particular order...

1. Tim Hortons. Hands down, do not pass go, go directly to Timmy's first thing in the morning. They have something for everyone; donuts, yogurt cups with fruit, muffins, bagels, sodas, smoothies, lattes, and of course, "Coffee-flavored coffee!" Not that I'm a coffee-drinker or anything, but I did fill up on my share of Boston Cremes (normally I'm not much for custard filling but this was *damn good* - I think the secret is a slight hint of butterscotch) and vanilla yogurt with raspberries and strawberries on top.

2. Smoke-free, child-free lounge sections. This is a recently new development, and it is a surprising one, given that it seems like everybody smokes in Canada. (Well, given their winters, that's almost all there is to do, besides watch hockey - that stereotype is true, and it's a sacred cow.) Imagine my pleasant surprise when, upon walking into a restaurant, the host(ess) instead of asking you "smoking or non?" says "table or lounge?" Hint: take the lounge, unless you want to run the risk of being disturbed by children. Canada is like the US in 1985 - there still is more than a shred of common decency left and parents still do live up to their title where childrearing is concerned, but you do have a fair share of American breeders living there and these days you just never know. So, you can now enjoy your dinner without being pestered by someone else's cute little angels without having to suffocate from the haze that tends to hang in the lounges of the States.

3. Radio stations. Even in the most remote, hick areas where the all-there-is-to-do-is-watch-hockey-on-satellite concept is an unavoidable reality, the radio stations are infinitely hipper than their counterparts in the most cosmopolitan metroplexes south of the border. Really. I had waaaay better luck with Saskatoon, Saskatchewan airwaves than I can ever find in Dallas-Ft Worth these days. Fewer commercials and less of that annoying and pointless signal compression are also happy bonuses. I actually read somewhere that the radio station programming is government-mandated to include a certain percentage of native Canadian music. This means that you get exposed to a lot of neat stuff that wouldn't see the light of day in the States, and I think Canada is intangibly richer for it.

4. Canadian music. So, not only do the radio stations play a greater variety than the monotonous playlists that perpetually repeat across American airwaves, but the music itself is also just plain...better. It has more heart, more soul, less processing, and less of a dollar sign motive. There is more variety, a sense of common-sense earthiness, and more of a genuine spirit. It's more organic and less fancy. You don't have to try to decipher layers of compressed, over-produced vocal tracks to figure out which is the real melody. The music is simple but not simplistic in that it does not insult one's intelligence like American pop has the tendency to do. The Tragically Hip is just one example of proof that there is subtle but profound genius lying under the surface of the seeming simplicity. Canada surpasses America's music talent in many instances. Just go to an outdoor Tea Party concert...you'll see what I mean.

5. Shopping. Not to be some co-opting locust consumer whose greatest goal in life is to spend every waking moment in a mall, and nor do I plan my vacation destinations by how their reviews stack up against each other in terms of their shopping potential, but I do notice a stark difference between Canadian and Stateside malls. I'm not exactly sure I can put my finger on it, but I'll do my best. I think it has to do with the individual stores themselves. Or maybe it's the low-key vibe, the NON-need to consume endlessly, but rather to shop when necessary for the things one truly needs. Canadians don't usually put on clicky high heels and designer clothes and make shopping at the mall a status symbol or a socially elite event. And they don't rudely smack into you with their SUV-sized strollers while gabbing on their cellphone (without so much as an apology to you but rather a borderline glare at you that it was your fault for being there in the first place) in the process. Maybe I'm way out of line and the charm of a Canadian mall is its lack of in-your-face scrolling advertising for medical group-clinics that provide elective services. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'll do my shopping up there.

Not that I'm some anti-American who is into bashing the country every chance I get, mind you. It's just that some things are truly better in other places and that the good ol' US of A isn't (and can't be) No #1 in everything all the time. I'm sure that I haven't done Canadians much justice, as I admit that it's been too long since I've been there for an extended stay and I'm too ignorant to be aware of some of the other great gems the country has to offer. But suffice it to say that it's more than just a big white land of nothingness with a Maple Leaf on its flag. That's just not what it's all a-boot...eh? ;)

the early worm gets the book

You asked for it! Here it is...

Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. Look closely; I think the bird is actually symbolic of people like Jesus Christ.
One by Richard Bach. Talk about parallel universes and infinite possibilities!
Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach. If Jesus could talk today...question is, would any of us listen? Would any of us even recognize him? Or any other spiritual figure, for that matter?
The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts. Really sums it up, concisely and brilliantly. Nothing is offensive, but nothing is sacred. The guy slams Santa Claus, for God's sake! LOL.
True Balance: A Commonsense Guide For Renewing Your Spirit by Sonia Choquette. Takes you through the chakras one by one, how to tell if the chakra is strong or weak, and what to do about it if it's not up to par.
Joining Hands & Hearts: Interfaith, Intercultural Wedding Celebrations--A Practical Guide For Couples by Susanna Stefanachi Macomb. If you want something other than a run-of-the-mill church wedding but you're not sure what else to do or where to turn for information, this is for you. Incorporate whichever elements you want, and as much or as little as you want; mix and match. We designed our entire wedding *custom* using this book - and we *still* get strong compliments on our ceremony well afterward!
Educated Heart by Nina McIntosh. A must-read for any massage therapist, reiki practitioner, or any other bodyworker. Even chiropractors and physical therapists would do well to read this, as some elements will apply to them. Remain compassionate and heart-to-heart while maintaining your separate and healthy boundaries.
The Way of Herbs by Michael Tierra. Interesting, easy read, and a crash course in herbs and nutritive therapy. Hippocrates said, let food be your medicine and let medicine be your food. A good building block for anyone interested in herbs and nutrition!
Ayurveda: A Life of Balance by Maya Tiwari. A fantastic book by a fantastic woman. She overcame her own terminal cancer and lives in full force today, cancer-free. Comprehensive guide on how to eat and live according to Ayurvedic standards. Doing this will enhance your health and clear up many of the chronic issues that plague us. Is is through this book that I cleared up my own eczema!
13th Gen: Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail? by Neil Howe, William Strauss, R. J. Matson, and Ian Williams. For you later Gen X-ers, here's a lone sympathetic voice that can be heard through the din. For once, you can feel spoken to and identified with. Written in 1991, it came out when I was 13-14, but its relevance continues today.
What Color Is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual For Job-Hunters and Career-Changers by Richard N Bolles. While this book didn't directly help me choose my career, it has had lasting influence on its direction by encouraging me to tweak an existing job into a special niche that fits me better and creates more of a demand for my services and my vision.
Microserfs by Douglas Coupland. A Gen-X fiction book that is hilarious and well-written, something benign and nostalgic. It won't get your heart pumping or your adrenaline rushing, but it will keep you turning pages until well into the night. A good-natured book about a good-natured group that decides to leave safe and secure mediocrity for an unpaved but exciting life path--and all the twists and turns and evolutions that accompany it.
Daughters of Eve by Lois Duncan. Written primarily for adolescents, but still bestowes both nostalgia and genuine stimulation upon the adult. A bit freaky - not in a huge thriller kind of way, but once you really start to put yourself in the girls' situation!
You're Being Lied To by Russ Kick. A collection of various viewpoints from different analysts and op-ed writers regarding various subjects, mostly cover-ups and behind-the-scenes facts. This book is solely responsible for my decision to enter the field of natural healthcare; it got me interested in holistic therapy in the first place, and my natural instinct upon the discovery was to share it with the world. I can only wonder about the effects it can have on the lives of others.
The Eleventh Plague by John S Marr and John Baldwin. Yes, it could happen. Here's now...
Toxin by Robin Cook. So, you think managed health care is a good idea, do you? Bureaucracy is egalitarian and utopian, and it can do no wrong? And your meat supply is safe, right? So many, many inconvenient pesky questions...

This is just for starters; I'm sure there'll be more, so look for those funky "Part 2" posts!

Kitty Immortal

I have found the secret to immortality. It trumps the Fountain of Youth, oh yeah. Not even Groundhog Day or Neverending Story compare. Here it is: if you can survive the first 30 hours or so without sleeping, you probably never need to sleep again, as long as you also don't eat. Well, you can have a banana, a donut, a couple handfuls of potato chips, some yogurt, or a Dr. Pepper. What you have to stay away from are those bigger Standard American meals--you know, where you fill a plate.

After that, it becomes a piece of cake. Well, of course it helps to get a phone call from your sister around midnight to tell you that both of your parents have been seriously injured in a car wreck and are in a hospital version of a halfway house, something between a regular room and ICU. Running on pure adrenaline, we somehow managed to squeeze 3 full earth rotations into a single (albeit deranged) circadian rhythm.

The whole thing was rather surreal, really. One minute we were dosing off on the couch to a movie at home in steamy north Texas and in what seemed like a split second, we were driving in the sun across North Dakota and then through tiny little towns in southern Saskatchewan, where gas stations are literally a half hour apart. It's like it wasn't even real. Somewhere along the returning darkness, in the midst of radio stations with signal strength that ebbed and flowed with the hilly terrain, the internal bath of caffeine and adrenaline almost gave in, but then my body must've realized that I was going to do everything in my power to circumvent the normal biological rhythms, because eventually it said "screw it" and kept the adrenaline coming at a slow but steady drip.

We arrived after 22 hours of traveling. That was surreal, too. There is something simply wrong with the concept of your strong, adult, guiding role-model parents suddenly being reduced to frail semi-lifeless shadows of what they were a matter of hours ago. Suddenly the tables turn and it's your turn to take care of them. It can be disturbing to see them so...vulnerable. In such great need.

And then we find out that the person who hit them was an older guy, and that he walked away from the accident. Well good for him. His family doesn't have to change their plans on a dime. They don't have to worry intensely about the health and stability of the two people they love the most. They don't have to miss school or arrange for someone else to care for their patients at the public clinic. They don't have to run an endocrine glandular marathon, remaining awake for 67 hours straight, or work themselves into mental pretzels trying to learn a screwed-up healthcare system that makes no sense and then try to make significant decisions with such scanty information. Why is it that we protect those who no longer deserve the privilege of driving just so that they can haul off and with a single miscalculation, hurl a family into such turmoil and trauma?

Yesterday morning was brutal; we made our way down the dark quiet hallway, only the hissing, whirring, and beeping of all the various machines masking our footsteps. We peeked in and found them, miss-the-mark Chinese recreations of what they were supposed to look like. Lifeless, motionless, and unconscious. I actually felt faint when I saw each of them. I got a little nauseous, so I bent forward at the waist. I was so glad they were fuzzy and asleep; I wouldn't have wanted either of them to see that I wasn't strong.

Things improved drastically throughout the day, and that offered us a lot of relief. There was strength from then on. Already, the day was brighter. The situation didn't look so heavy. They started talking, lucid and coherent. Their vital signs gradually improved.

I continue to be amazed at the capabilities and mechanisms of the human body. Whether it's to stay up for 67 consecutive hours and remain surprisingly functional, or to heal itself miraculously, even if only given half the chance. We haven't yet mastered eternal life, but who knows--at this rate, we just might get there in my lifetime.

when in rome...

Food for thought: how many of these characteristics are we seeing in modern-day society? All of these different phenomena happened in Rome, and various scholars argue that most of these were principal contributors to the fall of Rome. They'll sound familiar, sometimes spookily so. Some might not sound so bad at first glance, but then, if you want a sneak preview of what's in store for us should we allow these various concepts to materialize further and perpetuate, well, just look at how it turned out for the Romans. Ask the Romans how allowing these issues to flourish worked out for them.

Distant wars, acquiring the land of strangers. Let's face it; it seems as though we're trying to serve as the world's unsolicited police force. OK, maybe we're not outright turning these regions into additional states just yet, but we are definitely mettling where some might argue we should not be, and for amounts of time well beyond reasonable.

Escalating taxation. I read somewhere that the average American pays out about 2/3 of every dollar earned toward taxes of some kind. I've also heard about the horrendous tax structures in other parts of the world. TEA parties don't originate for no reason. These days, TEA is not necessarily a ground plant to be thrown overboard a ship like it was in history, but rather, it's an acronym that stands for "Taxed Enough Already". It's pretty sad when the average family needs 2 wage-earners, despite lower overhead due to having fewer children than in the past.

Reliance on slaves/underclass. Although slavery was outlawed almost 150 years ago, there have been other groups throughout recent history that have served the same purpose. I know there are numerous ways to break the cycle of poverty out there, and lots of programs in place for those who wish to seek a better quality of life, but often, they're easier in theory than in practice. I hear the indignant defense of "they do the jobs that no one else wants!" but this is simply not the case. I know people who would do plenty to feed their families. These same indignants are usually yuppie middle-management paper pushers who are themselves expendable, who are all-too-happy to let someone else do the grunt work.

Welfare for the non-working poor ("bread and circus" or "food and entertainment"). I'm going to say it, and it may offend some, but there is too much redistribution of income. Far too many benefits are going to waste. The recipients themselves sometimes squander them, or they consume them without contributing anything back to society. Mental illness, temporary hard luck situations, and the deserving working poor aside, society should *not* be subsidizing people who are simply too lazy to work. Anytime a behavior is rewarded, it is expanded (i.e. you see more of it) and that spells doom to a workforce. Nothing kills a workforce's morale like watching their hard-earned money go to lazy people who won't go bring home their own bacon. I dare any liberal to challenge me: if you're so bleeding heart, send ME money! I can assure you it will not go to waste.

Exposures to heavy metals like mercury and lead. Let's see...lead pipes and lead paint. And if you think we're out of the woods on lead paint, think again. Just because you can't buy lead paint for your walls doesn't mean you own children don't come in contact with it every single day. You know those cheap toys from Walmart you bought for your kids? Yeah, those... Oh, and mercury? Now that you wave your thermometer over your child's forehead like a magic wand and pharmaceutical companies are now starting to develop thimerosal-free vaccines, we think mercury is slowly being phased out. But au contraire! It's making its way IN--to food ingredients like high fructose corn syrup (which is in everything, and often as a main ingredient!), and to those lovely lightbulbs that, thanks to recent legislation, will become one of our only legal light bulb options. Just look at the protocol for what to do if one of those things breaks...

Poor agricultural practices that drain the soil of much-needed nutrients and render food produce (and those who consume it) malnourished. By 1938, the US government issued a report stating that our farmland soil was practically dead, devoid of nutrients. We've done little to change it since; in fact, we've only made things much worse. So, I don't think I need say more.

Lost values and the "anything goes" mentality, including being soft on crime and excessive intoxication. I understand peoples' fear of totalitarian states, and I've also heard the (untrue) statement that we can't/shouldn't legislate morality. As cool as this hippie state seems, and as prone as we all can be to this mindset from time to time, we shouldn't take the "anything goes" stance too literally and start believing that it's the default philosophy and the way to go in most cases, because it's not. Advanced societies have order and standards, basic agreed-upon values. Animalistic societies do not. "Anything goes" is a dangerous road to head down...unless you actually want to end up like the Romans.

Runaway inflation. Inflation is now a government-engineered mechanism. It is also destined to get us into some serious financial trouble, setting us up for an era of perpetual debt and possible implosion. That's cool if you don't believe what I'm saying; do your own research. Deflation, where people actually get less money, is actually OK, because then each dollar is worth more and those with savings actually end up having a bit more buying power. Inflation isn't always great because once you start down that road, it's tough to go back or slow down, and it can get away from you very quickly.

Hoarding and extreme materialism. Wow, that's kind of eerily on-the-mark, isn't it? I mean, how materialistic do we have to get before we start caring about whether or not the Nike symbol is on our sweatshirts, or thinking about getting that second flatscreen plasma TV...or when your 8-year-old has an Ipod...or a cellphone with an unlimited texting plan. And the parents are now working 80 hour weeks, never seeing their kids, so they can buy each of them their own Wii system. Or lease another new BMW, take your pick. When you subconsciously tally your self-worth by the value of your house compared to the rest of your friends or family, you've reached a new low. Time to get real, people.

Political corruption. I don't even think that needs an explanation.

Military spending. No 'splaining here, either.

Lack of border enforcement, leading to vulnerability. Wow, that one stung, too, huh?

Centralization of too large an area. Rome spanned a rather large area, in its heyday. Too large, in fact, for it to govern efficiently or effectively. Failing to learn from history, we're dooming ourselves for a repeat. Only it's getting worse. It's coming, folks. The European Union started things off--great little prototype, and largely a successful one. The world government wanna-be powers-that-be are gleaming. Now they've organized the world into 10 entities that will eventually consolidate under a single world-wide governing body. Sounds benign, even beneficial in some respects, but your autonomy goes away. Don't like the way things are run? Tough. You have no escape, no other option at all, unless you want to go to the moon. Don't laugh. Instead, Google "North American Union" and see what's coming to a quality of life near you.

Wow, sorry to be so doom and gloom. But, look on the bright side. It doesn't have to be this way. The Constitution and Libertarian parties do look promising, don't you think?

For massage therapists: Mood music

Hello, massage puppies :) I've been asked about music, the tastes of which are almost as personal as those of wallpaper, but I see no harm in naming off some various favorites that have stood the test of time. I bring you this list, which is in no particular order and by no means conclusive...

Artist: Govi
Album: practically any
Style: Spanish-style guitar. Relaxing, yet cheerful and upbeat.
Especially good for: any session that is not lymphatic massage or cranial-sacral work. Good for either cheerful clients (because it won't bring them too far down) and also for depressed clients (because it will cheer them up a little, or at least not let them sink any further). Also good for the client you don't necessarily want to fall asleep. Especially useful for massage therapists who do corrective work and to intentionally deviate away from the spa.

Artist: Llewellyn
Album: practically any
Style: varies. Anything from Andean Mountain-style guitar (not quite as pick-me-up as Govi) to calmly bright peaces with light but cheerful drumbeats (Color Healing album) to totally beatless ambient music.
Especially good for: depends on which album and what effect you're gunning for. Choose the Andean style guitar for the relaxation massage, the oceans and dolphins for the lymphatic or cranial-sacral clients, or the Color Healing album for that pain management client you don't want falling asleep on you.

Artist: William Orbit
Album: Hello Waveforms (especially--although many are good)
Style: electronic music without vocals, some light beats, hi-tech sound. Usually mellow.
Especially good for: the younger, hip client who likes a cerebral curveball every now and then, or the middle-aged client who simply can't stand Enya or any of the other typical "massage music". Very useful to break up the monotony.

Artist: 2002
Album: practically any
Style: ambient, with piano, harp, keyboards. Ethereal, but no rafter-high female vocals or chanting. Good warm sound, very dreamy.
Especially good for: a deeply relaxing massage, especially if it's a long session. Good for the severely over-stressed person, or someone so revved up it's hard to get them to come down. Useful for the person who wants to drift away, perhaps off to sleep.

Artist: Ishq
Album: Sonic Incense
Style: Dreamy, very ambient, high-tech sound without much percussion, no vocals.
Especially useful for: same as 2002. It's not depressing music, but don't use with anyone who's depressed, or with the extremely right-brained person.

Artist: Enya
Album: any
Style: a combination of ambient, dreamy, adult-contemporary, light pop, instrumental, and female vocal. Anything from some rhythm to completely beatless.
Especially useful for: the client who likes to stick with tried-n-true typical massage music.

Artist: James Asher
Album: pretty much any
Style: a combo of good strong African/Asian percussion, with flutes, keyboards. Very salty, earthy, grounding.
Especially good for: the chakra rebalancing session where there is a weak first or third chakra, a pain-management session where you don't want the patient to fall asleep, a cortical hemisphere rebalancing session where the client is too far right-brained or depressed, or the client who comes in feeling too rowdy, stressed, or energetic and has a hard time settling down. It'd be a good segue into more relaxing music, because it meets the high-strung client at their level first, all the while grounding them.

Artist: Makyo
Album: especially Yakshini
Style: a very East-meets-West style of new electronic beats and instrumentation with accents of traditional Indian/Middle Eastern vocals and instruments.
Especially good for: the open-minded client who needs a little something different, a client with an appreciation for world music, the upscale world traveler, the exploratory college student. Very calming and trancelike, without being fast-paced at all.

Artist: Diane Arkenstone
Album: Echoes of Egypt
Style: soundtrack-quality music, some with beats and some not, some upbeat and some haunting. Good fit for a pivotal scene in a "Braveheart"-esque movie set in Cairo.
Especially good for: the client on a journey, someone spiritual and deep, someone who sees the true deeper body-mind-soul connection and gets bodywork for that purpose.

Artist: David Arkenstone
Album: In the Wake of the Wind
Style: also soundtrack-quality music. Mostly with beats, some more upbeat, some more calm. A bit less haunting than Echoes of Egypt.
Especially good for: the client who wants something a bit different, something more upbeat than typical dreamy massage music. Has catchy melodies and crafty arrangements, good use of the different audio textures of different instruments.

Artist: Michael Benghiat
Album: Meditation
Style: varies from simplistic Middle-Eastern style solo guitar to near-beatless ambient
Especially good for: the client who likes more of the typical massage music, but without the ethereal rafter-level vocals or instrumentation. It gives traditional massage music an earthy spin. Good for someone who wants to fall asleep also.

I'm sure I'll add more later. As always, feel free to add your own! Just post a comment.

child-free zone: fines double

Not that we've fielded many questions about this (at least not yet), but I'll answer the unspoken question preemptively: we have consciously decided not to have children. I know, I know, it goes against the "next logical step"...you know, the whole conventional "graduate from college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids"--wait--when were we ever known to be conventional? What logical steps? Whose logic? (Hint: not ours!)

Not that I dislike children; quite the contrary, actually. I like children a lot. I often want to hang their (non-)parents from tall hickory trees on remote rural acreage, but that's beside the point. Kids themselves are fine; I just don't see the need, nor do I have the desire to have any of my own. At first I thought my hormone levels were a little off. After all, doesn't there come a point when the biological clock starts ticking, and it gets so loud that it starts to run a woman's life? Mine had always seemed like this nearly-inaudible sound that every time it so much as threatened to pop up, I hit the snooze button. Now, I don't even need to go that far.

And apparently, I'm not alone. I unexpectedly stumbled upon an internet community, a plethora of websites, devoted entirely to this one single decision: the non-desire to have kids. It's a diverse group, too. Contrary to the vibe that the most militant of its members portray, I respect the decision of most everyone to chooses to have kids. I have nothing against them (as long as they actually parent them, that is - to raise them, pay consistent attention to them, teach them basic morals and values, and lest no one forgets, provide proper guidance and supervision). I just choose not to join their ranks.

I've done some soul-searching and the closest basic "it all boils down to this" theme is: I'm honest with myself. I don't think I'd make a bad mother, per se, but I wouldn't make a great one. My life has taken a different path than that which would provide the proper amount of time and energy it takes to raise a child properly. I'm supposed to do accomplish different goals with my life, at least this time around (I believe in reincarnation). The clincher, though, are the biological issues, from both sides--mine and my husband's.

At first I thought it'd be neat to bring a creation into the world, to contribute something to society, to somehow make it better, even after we pass on. I thought it'd be interesting to see how our genes would come together, what we're capable of. I thought it'd be cool to raise a child properly, to compensate for someone else who hadn't been. I don't need anyone to call me mommy, follow me around, shower praises on me, love me unconditionally, depend on me for survival, look up to me as their idol, or anything else. I didn't want to make any decision mindlessly, just because it's what society expects will happen next. I most certainly didn't want a child in order to strengthen a relationship, secure a commitment, to change a man (these aren't problems for us), or to change myself.

I really cherish freedom--so much so that I'm almost anal about retaining lots of it. If we want to take a weekend trip to San Antonio just the two of us, I'd rather not think about trying to persuade my parents to take them for the weekend. I'd rather not get woken up by some reverse gastrointestinal mishap in the middle of the night. I don't want an intimate moment to get interrupted by the fearful possibility that little eyes might've prematurely seen too much. I want to be able to watch a rated-R movie in its entirety, without concern. I'd rather hang on to more disposable income, using it to take a trip abroad or maybe retire a little more comfortable. I'd rather not worry about how a rambunctious toddler might (inadvertently or not) harm the cats. I enjoy having late nights, extra home office space, sleeping through the night without interruption, sleeping in on a weekend, listening to the music I want, deciding on a whim to stay out with our other (child-free) friends a little later. This is a semi-carefree lifestyle that I'm not just going to give up. It's peaceful. It's cheaper. It's one less source of stress. And what does my husband think about all this? Actually, this is his stance also, only he's fairly hardcore about it.

Thank *insert deity here* that I haven't had to endure the interrogation by the self-righteous among us who can't imagine that a couple would decide to actually not want to have a little bundle of joy or two running around. I've heard the stories of those who proclaim to a child-free woman that she'll "change her mind!". These poor women (the child-free) have endured a lot. I totally draw the line at homosexual accusations. Just because a woman has not decided to use her reproductive organs does not mean she is a lesbian. I hope, for their sake, that the militant few who are so sure we're going to "regret our decision later" don't direct their questions at me. Don't make me locate a few more of those handy hickory tree branches!

To all the customers I've loved before

A few days ago I stumbled upon a "Customers suck" blog, and a few of its knock-off cousins. These blogs serve as sanity-sustaining sounding boards for anonymous rants about asshole customers endured by overworked and underpaid people, usually from the retail and other service sectors. In the interest of pure class-time-wasting entertainment, I continued reading. I even laughed out loud, while knowingly nodding. Baristas and sales associates, I've been there and done that.

My personal current chiropractic patients and massage clients? I love them. You won't hear any complaints from me. I haven't had any recent material to contribute to message boards like that. However, I have had my share of asshats and douchebags such as those described by the pour souls run ragged for barely above minimum wage. I understand perfectly the terms "suck" and "WTF", both used as nouns.

Because I'm more of a follower than I'd ever admit in a personally identifiable way, to keep with the spirit of those blogs, I'll add my own "(past) customers suck" comments.

1. (Background: I used to work in a fairground concession stand behind hot machines filled with 425-degree vegetable oil. That's the kind of temperature the burns to the bone, if enough anatomical surface area is involved. I was fast - not the type to let the donuts pile up in the glass cage. When we were slammin' busy, the machines were fast, pumping out 36 donuts every minute, but I was seasoned, and I was faster.) To the customers that insisted on FRESH donuts: I understand you don't want stale donuts. I even agree with you. But it's quite clear that if my hand is in the way when the donut falls down the little chute, you can see that I wince as that hot little sucker burns my hand. Don't you think that's fresh enough?? BTW, I watch you as you walk away - you let them cool off for a while anyway. So quitcher bitchin!

2. Restaurant customers:
a. When you order a well-done steak, don't complain when your food doesn't show up in 10 minutes. It took our place at least 20 minutes to cook a steak all the way through.
b. Contrary to what you'd like to believe, I don't make a gold mine as a waitress. My minimum wage isn't $5.15 (at the time) like everyone else. It's $2.13. That's because it is understood that we'll make up the difference in TIPS. And there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what tipping is or why they should do so at a full-service restaurant.
c. The money we do make? Is not "under the table". We don't just skate out the door with our tips in hand every night and thumb our nose at the IRS come tax time. No, they have a formula. They tax us on a certain percentage of what we SELL, not what we MAKE. Yes, this means that if, due to your social refusal to believe in and take part in the tipping system, or your claim that you got less than 100% perfect service, or whatever other pathetic excuse you can come up with to justify what is usually just being cheap, you fail to leave a decent tip, not only did we "lose" money from the standpoint that we could've made more money waiting on someone else with the time we devoted to your sorry ass, but we actually LOST money waiting on you. That's right, we PAID to wait on you. Do you go to work and do your job and then instead of getting paid, you pay someone else? Well, that's what cheapskates do to us. This is because since we're taxed based on our SALES, which are tracked, and we didn't make tips on those sales, we're taxed on "income" that we didn't actually make. We pay money out of our own pocket to cover the taxes based on those phantom tips that you were too cheap to give us. And mind you, I'm NOT talking about bad service here. I'm talking about either cheapskate customers, or perhaps a backed up kitchen or a slow bar. If I'm depending on other staff members for certain parts of your order, then understand that I'm not entirely responsible when you have to wait a few extra minutes. I will smile, be nice as pie, apologize, keep watching for your order to come up, and get it right out to you when it does, while monitoring your table for any of your other needs in the meantime. Don't take your frustration out on me financially.
d. Contrary to what else you might think, I'm not a high school dropout, a single mom, a drug user, a slut, a robot, or perfect. I am a human being, who has thoughts, feelings, beliefs, a life outside of the restaurant. I am someone with skills and emotions and I can make mistakes too. I'm not some loser with no further direction in life. I'm also not your slave, your concubine, your prospective girlfriend, your babysitter, a dog to be whistled at, or someone you can order around, hit on, grab, or snap your fingers at. Kapiche?
e. Complements, while nice to receive, do NOT make up for poor tips. They don't count as income. Do not smile at me and tell me what a great server I am while handing me a 10% tip. Complements are great, but they don't pay my mortgage. I have bills to pay too, and flattery ain't currency.
f. Often, take-out orders are rung up by the waitress and--you guessed it--they are included on her sales for the night. This means that the government is going to assume she made money on those sales and they will tax that "income" accordingly. So, don't make her pay out of her own pocket to ring up your order - throw her at least a couple bucks. On a take-out order, 10% is the minimum. (15-20% as a sitdown customer for decent service, and 25% for great service.)

3. Former or prospective massage clients:
a. Dear price-shopping unpromising prospective massage client: I am not going to give you a discount off your first massage. You get a discount when you schedule your next massage on your way out after a massage, for a month or less from that day. You don't just get a discount right off the bat. My prices are my prices. Why should I give you a lower price? What have you done to deserve that? What makes you different than anyone else who would have to pay full price?
b. Dear certain former massage clients for whom the following became a habit: when you cancel on short notice or you do not show up, this puts a serious cramp in both my schedule and my ability to pay my bills and feed my family. When you reserve a massage time slot, that slot can't be given to anyone else. When that time rolls around and you don't show up, that time slot expires, and the income I was counting on is gone. I can't sell that time to anyone else and make up the lost income. When you cancel with 30 minutes to spare (or even several hours), this is also a huge letdown. I am not a high-volume massage franchise, so I don't field tons of calls every minute and I cannot simply fill that slot on such short notice. This is why a 24-hour cancellation policy is STANDARD among practically every independent massage therapist. Anything less, and we can't fill the spot.
b (continued). Also, think of how you would feel if you were a prospective client who seriously pulled a muscle. You're in pain and you know a massage will go a long way toward fixing or at least alleviating the problem. You call your favorite therapist; he or she apologetically states that they have nothing available for that day. You're bummed. You really could've used the work. What if you found out that one of the people on her schedule that day just simply didn't show up, and wasted the time slot that could've been yours? You'd be pissed. The therapist, now missing income, would also feel totally bad for you, now knowing that had she known the dufus was going to go AWOL on her, she could've fit you in. But she had no way of knowing because the asshat didn't bother to make a simple phone call. Yes, flakes, when you decide to flake out and skip your appointment, and you forego the phone call because you want to "avoid confrontation" (or whatever other pathetic reason), you seriously impact multiple people. And no, the money isn't always as easy to make up as you think. Most therapists are low-volume, and only have 3-5 available slots on any given day - and before you start calculating hours, this doesn't mean they work part-time. They do plenty of work outside actual massage time. They're doing laundry, returning phone calls, updating their website or intake forms, doing promotions, replying to emails, making newsletters for their clients, doing more laundry, washing hot stones or other tools, cleaning their studios, restocking water, setting up or cleaning up, and a lot more.
c. Dear chatty clients - I have loved you all. But I have scheduled my day with your appointment in mind. This means that I have allotted a certain amount of time for you, which I enjoy every minute of, but when I schedule you from 1 to 2, this does not mean you can hang out and gab until 3 or 3.30. An hour is an hour. I have a life, too - other things to do, and I need to get on with it. My schedule is not wide open. Just because I work out of my house doesn't mean you don't have to leave.
d. Certain former massage therapy clients, after watching you come in twice a year for the past three years only when the pain has now permeated and interfered with every aspect of your life and you can't take it anymore, we've extolled the benefits of receiving regular massage therapy and how taking a bit more aggressive (read: frequent) treatment plan might help you stay on top of the pain better. And still, you continue to wait until you can no longer move, then you schedule an hour and then want us to "fix it" all in one session. I got news: won't happen. You live in your body 24 hours a day, inflicting the micro (or macro) trauma on it that you do. We only get to see you a couple hours a year. Top secret: we're not the ones with the house advantage in this situation.
d (continued). Also, same said clients, it's forgivable to call us after 6 months of AWOL status to ask for a same-day appointment (well, once or twice). Getting pissy with us because we don't have any more openings left or we can't fit you in in 1-2 hours from now is totally unproductive and irrational. Don't give us that northern hairball-caught-in-your-throat sound, either. You know the one. It's usually accompanied by a rolling of the eyes and the refusal to admit that it's not us who are in the wrong here. If it matters that much to you to get an appointment, call a few days in advance. And do not wait until the pain becomes unbearable, because then you get to live with it if we can't fit you in right away. Our time is on a first-come, first-serve basis.
e. (Background: I used to provide massage therapy at a place that had a small service menu of basic modalities. Some of the prices were different than others.) No, member of this place, you cannot schedule a cheaper relaxation-type massage and then once we'd gotten settled into the room safely away from the cashier at the front desk, pull me aside and tell me that what you really want is some deeper or more advanced work that naturally has a deeper and more advanced price tag. Only you were too cheap to spring the extra $10-20. Come on. The prices are dirt cheap to begin with - an extra $10-20 when you have a Lexus or a Beemer parked out front is SO not going to break the bank. Why do *I* care, you ask? Because I get paid extra to do advanced work, because I have skills other therapists don't, and thus can provide advanced services that other people can't. Oh, and acquiring that advanced knowledge wasn't free to me, either. The tuition for those extra classes adds up fast. I had to give up normal workdays to attend them, which means I lose the potential income for that day (because unlike many, we don't get any benefits or vacation pay at the vast majority of massage jobs), but on top of that I also had to SPEND money from my savings account to pay for the class. So yes, when you get advanced work, it's going to cost you extra. Bonus: when I am actually in the room around the corner, unseen but able to hear every part of the exchange with the receptionist where you're hemming and hawing, really wanting Deep Tissue but not wanting to pay the extra price and then signing up for the cheaper Swedish instead. I heard everything. You're not going to sucker me!
f. And no, member of same said establishment, I cannot go an extra 5-10 minutes on you to get "just one more area" or to get "my neck just a few more minutes". Another therapist needs the room after me. Or, I have another client right after you. It doesn't matter, actually - you paid for an hour massage, you get an hour massage. I do not go over on time--especially if you were late to begin with! You want more time? No problem. Schedule a longer massage. And then, show up on time. Problem solved.

we're the Deadbeat Club

Tonight is a couch night. We did put in some studying dues; there's a Clinical Nutrition exam to prepare for. Luckily for me, I find it interesting, which means I study less and retain more. For the remainder of the night, though, my husband is watching "Far and Away" on satellite TV and I'm reclined on one of eight Lay-Z-Boy sections that make up our sofa, with my laptop that has about 40 Firefox windows and 3 Word documents running, contemplating the nature of the world. Among the browser windows are this blog, my basic Facebook page, my Vampire Wars, Mafia Wars, and Fashion Wars games (all are Facebook applications), the fruits of a "revenge+telemarketer" search, a San Antonio message forum on city-data.com, and more. Both cats are off somewhere, probably laying on their backs with their feet spread, secluded in individual rooms, where they can minimize our pestering them.

I click back and forth between my browser windows. Suck someone's blood, gain 2000 units of lifeforce. Bail a fellow vampire out of insane asylum, collect 2000 units. Do a bank heist, collect $5k and an Eight of Hearts. Rob a jewelry store, collect $10k and put it toward an AK-47. Run low on energy? Visit the Godfather for a refill. Yes, boys and girls, since I 90/90'd Clinical Psychology, this is how I plan to spend the remainder of my days in that post-prandial class. Sure, I'll listen. There's something in me that actually finds borderline personality disorder interesting. I'm well aware of the danger they potentially present to a practice. And Lord knows we'll have to deal with them in our practice. Hell, I'm positive I already have. I understand the value of the information we're receiving, and I'm happy to receive it. It's just that it shares mental energy with the bodyslam of a rival mobster.

What aspiring chiropractors need to know... Part 2

OK, that takes care of the materialistic opportunists looking to make a quick buck. For the rest of you who are still with me, here's the next thing you need to know: not all schools are created equal. In fact, while there are some common features set forth via accreditation board mandate, stark differences remain. The main point is that you need to do some soul searching and preliminary research to get a feel for what's out there and to figure out who you are, what kind of doctor you want to be, what direction you want to go in, what you'd like your education to emphasize, how you want to practice, what you'd like to specialize in (if anything), and so forth. Then research each school heavily to see if it's a good fit for you. Do yourself a favor and don't choose a school based on climate or the caliber of neighborhood it's located in. It's only 3 years of your life; after that, you're free to go. Don't cheat yourself out of a good education because of a bad climate. You'll want to live close to school anyway; your budget will be so tight it squeaks. Please also don't pick a school based only on their National Board exam score ranking; while a school's placement in comparison to other schools can be indicative of the quality of instruction received there (at least in that particular area), it may or may not necessarily be the whole story, as many schools are resorting to more drastic methods of manipulating scores, such as only allowing those with a certain GPA to take Board exams, or hiring outside companies to come in and teach board review classes. (Most schools do the latter, and this is a legit phenomenon, but please understand that this will inflate the scores and since these companies are filling in the gaps, the Board scores may not reflect the actual quality of the instruction itself.)

Next, understand that whichever school you do choose, there are pros and cons. As of now, unfortunately, all of the schools are privately owned (usually non-profit, but still...) which keeps tuition high, political underbellies rampant, and curriculum largely unstandardized. Some of the Presidents of some of these schools are really flaky. Do not form your opinion of a school by what the recruiters have to say, or only by attending a sanctioned open house or tour. Talking with recruiters and attending open houses and tours are smart things to do; just understand that no matter which school you go to (and this is not exclusive to chiropractic schools!) you will be fed the company line an treated to a dog and pony show. If students assist or host these events, understand that they are typically ultra-positive-thinking yes-men and women handpicked by administration to portray a carefully crafted image.

Once you apply to a school, you're put on the prospective student list, even if you're not slated to start for another 3-4 years. During this time, you may receive invites to attend seminars or talks or other school-related events. These events often consist of captivating speeches and anecdotes expertly delivered by charismatic motivational speakers. Come with an open mind, but don't get swept up too quickly in the feel-good vibe of the event. These speakers may tell you stories about how they treated this or that with chiropractic. These stories are often true. Even if the speaker made them up, chances are, what they claimed happened, probably has to someone. Chiropractic is like that. Indeed, it's the gift that keeps giving, providing people with many unexpected pleasant effects--that is true. However, take the actual speakers with a grain of salt--an open, but uncommitted mind.

Because see, even though certain speakers will tell you that peoples' asthma or diabetes disappeared while they were under chiropractic care and chances are that has actually happened, you're going to spend the first year wondering when you're actually going to learn to treat someone's underactive thyroid or heart murmur, and sometime during the second year, after listening to different professors make conflicting claims about what is or isn't actually in your scope of practice to diagnose and treat, you're going to finally discover that you better diagnose any little problem--it's your ass if you don't--but you can do exactly dick to treat it. You're going to get depressed at some point during your education because all of your Business classes are going to revolve around submitting insurance paperwork (which fewer and fewer chiropractic doctors are opting to do), which only pays you for treating musculoskeletal conditions--what I call the Stereotypical Triad: back pain, neck pain, and headaches. I.e., you're a glorified physical therapist without the advantages of a master's degree, hospital access, or a solid network of MD referrals. At this point, you're going to want to hang yourself, and shoot out the tires of the BMWs driven by the excessively-paid charismatic speakers who convinced you to get tangled up in this mess in the first place. This is known as The Collapse, where most of your higher aspirations of helping people with any condition (after all, you are a doctor), through any natural means possible, without the use of drugs or surgery, all fall flat onto a thick ICD-9 book full of senseless codes. Forty bucks and you can use maybe 8 of those codes. After all, chiropractic is considered a specialty, and you have a small window of conditions you can claim to treat. With the treatment of practically every condition being considered outside of our scope of practice, you start to wonder if you're becoming a real doctor at all. The doubt sets in. But the rah-rah cure-all seminar guys sorta forgot to mention that part.

I went through my Collapse about halfway through, where I realized that despite the fact that I was attending probably one of the best schools there is, my education still had the completeness of Swiss cheese, and I could've bought a Lincoln Continental brand-new for the same price. During your final year, though, you start to come around, realizing that you're too far in to back out, and what the hell, it's just another year anyway, most of which is resident internship. My saving grace is the fact that I discovered the neurology fellowship. While it's post-doctoral, you can start before you graduate. I also started researching a little more heavily and I realized that I'm not relegated to the back pain, neck pain, and headaches regime, that I can indeed help peoplep with certain conditions, it's just that I'd have to approach it in such a way that I wouldn't get bitchslapped. Most people find their way; there is more than one way to filet a fish. Just know that the dark days do happen and weather the storm.

Know that in the end, if you truly like to help people, and if to help those people get their life back gives you warm fuzzies, you're in the right place. You're doing the right thing. And if you have a good heart, a sharp mind, a good memory, good people and communication skills, and a little business sense, you will go very far. Most peoples' main obstacle is not prejudice from the MDs (although there is, and you should be aware of that), it's themselves--a combo of laziness (mediocrity, the mentality of just doing the minimum to get by) and lack of self-confidence (i.e., if you don't believe you can treat a certain problem or help someone in a certain way, you won't). You also have to be fully aware of the power of an adjustment, for good or bad, and be mentally present with that patient at the time you're delivering that adjustment. Above all, don't be lazy and blame every condition on subluxation and every treatment setback mere chance or a lack of patient compliance--the only way we'll feel like, and be considered, real doctors is if we act like it.